An insight into Westminster.
Sep. 2nd, 2004 09:47 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
davywavyRunning your own business really makes you aware of just how iniquitous the tax regime in this country really is; the government sneaks it’s hand into your pocket using any pretence – except, of course, by using the word ‘tax’ directly. It can be bloody frustrating to hear the wide selection of politicians claiming just how much less you’re paying to HMG in real terms, when it’s bloody plain from even the briefest of perusals of your finances that nothing could be further from the truth. How this has come about was something of a mystery to me until it came to me in a flash of realisation; at some point in 1998-1999 Tony Blair must have realised that he couldn’t actually afford to pay for all the stuff he’d promised, and so he and Gordon Brown sat down and had a conversation which will have gone something like this:
TB: Gordon, I need more money. I was wondering if perhaps you could get the gnomes to dig a little harder? There’s lots to pay for; new quangos to create, a big tent to get put up, Peters friend Pablo needs a new flat, and Prescott’s Jaguars won’t drive themselves, you know.
GB: Gnomes, Tony?
TB: Yes, the gnomes. In the gold mine.
GB: Gold Mine?
TB: Why, yes. Where else would all this money you have in the exchequer come from? I always assumed that there was a big gold mine under Westminster and it was just being dug up. After all, there always seems to be lots of it!
GB: Och, Jings! Ye Bampot! There’s nae gold mine! It’s all taxes, Tony, taxes.
TB: Taxes?
GB: Aye, Taxes. Everyone in the country gives some of their money to the government.
TB: Do they, by God? I never thought of that. Does this mean I have to give all of them knighthoods and positions too?
GB: Och, no. Ye only have tae do that if they give voluntarily. Most people have tae pay tax or else we send ‘em to prison!
TB: Well, I have to say it seems very generous of them all the same. Certainly more generous than I’ve ever been, and I’m a pretty generous kind of guy.
GB: Aye.
TB: It doesn’t really seem very fair that we send them to prison if they don’t pay, don’t you think?
GB: Ye disnae understand. If ye add up aal the tax they pay, they have tae work seven months of the year to pay it aal! If we get it up tae twelve then that’s true socialism!
TB: So who decides how much of this ‘tax’ they give us?
GB: Why, Tony, ye and me. Ye and me.
TB: Why, there are simply lots and lots of people out there, so if each of them gives us just a little bit then we've get a great big amount of money?
GB (Smugly): Aye.
TB: So if each of them gave is a bit more, then it'd all add up to lot's more money! Gordon. I have a radical idea which I will call "raising" the "taxes." It's brilliant! It can't fail!
GB (Goes white as a sheet): Hoots! Ye Sassenach eejit! Ye caanae do that or else they’ll vote us oot!
TB: But I’ve got to have more money to give to the European Union? Where will it come from? There are only so many more army divisions I can disband you know.
GB: Aye, well, I’ve had a braw canny idea, if’n ye’re interested.
TB: Go on?
GB: Well, there’s this tax called ‘National Insurance’ that everyone thinks pays for health and pensions and so on – but it disnae. The bawbees we get from that just go into the exchequer, same as everything else. But the public dinnae know that, on the whole – we can raise that.
TB: Sounds good. Any other ideas?
GB: Crivvens, aye. We can lift tax relief on pensions. Naebody will notice how much this’ll impact on them for years – and by then we’ll be long retired to Mustique and wilnae have to worry about getting re-elected!
TB: But what about my pension? I can’t ask Cherie to pay for everything, you know.
GB: Dinnae fash. Oor pensions are index-linked so we wilnae feel the pinch.
And that’s the way it happened.
TB: Gordon, I need more money. I was wondering if perhaps you could get the gnomes to dig a little harder? There’s lots to pay for; new quangos to create, a big tent to get put up, Peters friend Pablo needs a new flat, and Prescott’s Jaguars won’t drive themselves, you know.
GB: Gnomes, Tony?
TB: Yes, the gnomes. In the gold mine.
GB: Gold Mine?
TB: Why, yes. Where else would all this money you have in the exchequer come from? I always assumed that there was a big gold mine under Westminster and it was just being dug up. After all, there always seems to be lots of it!
GB: Och, Jings! Ye Bampot! There’s nae gold mine! It’s all taxes, Tony, taxes.
TB: Taxes?
GB: Aye, Taxes. Everyone in the country gives some of their money to the government.
TB: Do they, by God? I never thought of that. Does this mean I have to give all of them knighthoods and positions too?
GB: Och, no. Ye only have tae do that if they give voluntarily. Most people have tae pay tax or else we send ‘em to prison!
TB: Well, I have to say it seems very generous of them all the same. Certainly more generous than I’ve ever been, and I’m a pretty generous kind of guy.
GB: Aye.
TB: It doesn’t really seem very fair that we send them to prison if they don’t pay, don’t you think?
GB: Ye disnae understand. If ye add up aal the tax they pay, they have tae work seven months of the year to pay it aal! If we get it up tae twelve then that’s true socialism!
TB: So who decides how much of this ‘tax’ they give us?
GB: Why, Tony, ye and me. Ye and me.
TB: Why, there are simply lots and lots of people out there, so if each of them gives us just a little bit then we've get a great big amount of money?
GB (Smugly): Aye.
TB: So if each of them gave is a bit more, then it'd all add up to lot's more money! Gordon. I have a radical idea which I will call "raising" the "taxes." It's brilliant! It can't fail!
GB (Goes white as a sheet): Hoots! Ye Sassenach eejit! Ye caanae do that or else they’ll vote us oot!
TB: But I’ve got to have more money to give to the European Union? Where will it come from? There are only so many more army divisions I can disband you know.
GB: Aye, well, I’ve had a braw canny idea, if’n ye’re interested.
TB: Go on?
GB: Well, there’s this tax called ‘National Insurance’ that everyone thinks pays for health and pensions and so on – but it disnae. The bawbees we get from that just go into the exchequer, same as everything else. But the public dinnae know that, on the whole – we can raise that.
TB: Sounds good. Any other ideas?
GB: Crivvens, aye. We can lift tax relief on pensions. Naebody will notice how much this’ll impact on them for years – and by then we’ll be long retired to Mustique and wilnae have to worry about getting re-elected!
TB: But what about my pension? I can’t ask Cherie to pay for everything, you know.
GB: Dinnae fash. Oor pensions are index-linked so we wilnae feel the pinch.
And that’s the way it happened.
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no subject
Date: 2004-09-02 02:17 am (UTC)Let's go fucking gnome hunting.
no subject
Date: 2004-09-02 02:18 am (UTC)Oh, hang on, it is to him.
no subject
Date: 2004-09-02 02:28 am (UTC)Expanding economic and educational opportunity for all
Sure, how about those top up fees then?
Personalizing public services
What the hell does that even mean? My Doctor will now call me Tiffany instead of Mrs. Craig?
Tacking the problems of poor families and deprived neighborhoods
1. A lack of access to adequate education due to expense
2. Those insane Ofcom regulators who are making it difficult to even run a school, nevermind do it well.
3. Welfare reliant folks
4. Economic deprivation, caused by a lack of access to jobs and education which in turn fuels race conflict and drug use.
Pursuing tough law and order agenda
That's right, throw them all into prison. That's an excellent idea.
Promoting retirement as an opportunity, not a threat
Hahahhahahahhahahahah, with what fucking pension?!!
Promoting a tolerant multi-cultural society while tackling abuse of asylum and immigration procedures
Do people actually believe this? I thought the number of applications had gone down? Does David Blunkett really believe The Sun?
Building international support for problems such as climate change and the poverty of Africa
That's just. Holy Christ. Do people actually believe this shit?
no subject
Date: 2004-09-02 02:29 am (UTC)Ah well, you get the idea.
no subject
Date: 2004-09-02 02:30 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-09-02 02:30 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-09-02 02:31 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-09-02 02:32 am (UTC)There actually is a party platform for our Democrats, which is nice. (The Republicans are doing the Tony Blair thing at the moment, lots of warm fuzzies that don't mean anything.)
no subject
Date: 2004-09-02 02:32 am (UTC)The conservatives not so much haven't got a clue as don't even know what a clue is in the first place.
We're doomed I tell you.
no subject
Date: 2004-09-02 02:33 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-09-02 02:34 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-09-02 02:34 am (UTC)I wonder if there are pics of my Giovanni? He was based on Blair.
no subject
Date: 2004-09-02 02:36 am (UTC)People who can think without turning to page three and go "Oooo boobies" seem to be in a depressing minority.
The situation in the US is ridicious, it's half politics, half character assassination, half powermongering... okay, so I can't add.
I'm not going to comment on which of the two I'd rather won...
no subject
Date: 2004-09-02 02:36 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-09-02 02:37 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-09-02 02:38 am (UTC)British politics? It's dead mate.
Nah, it's resting.
no subject
Date: 2004-09-02 02:41 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-09-02 02:43 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-09-02 02:44 am (UTC)Theior rather neat expose of the Lib Dem election strategy (they produced a pamphlet to their candidates basically advising them to SAY ANYTHING to get elected) kinda put me off them.
no subject
Date: 2004-09-02 02:44 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-09-02 02:46 am (UTC)Ick, I hadn't seen that expose, I'd like to see the article...
no subject
Date: 2004-09-02 02:47 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-09-02 03:04 am (UTC)I can make a decent case for us having had no decent peace time leadership in 110 years.
no subject
Date: 2004-09-02 03:09 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-09-02 03:13 am (UTC)Of course, it does depend a bit on what you think of that insane destructive bitch in the 1980's, but I hope we can agree to differ there.