"First of all I should say that I agree with davy" - Norman Tebbit.

We'll only have one , said Monty. It'll just be an hour, said Monty. You'll be home for eight, said Monty.

Oh, God, I'm so drunk.

I may not twerk on our stand at trade shows.

As the Bilderberg Group - a shadowy organisation rumoured to control the destinies of continents - convened in Copenhagen for its annual meeting, Ed Milliband said he was "not bothered" about not being invited.

Speaking from a Little Chef on the M3 where he was struggling with an Olympic Breakfast, the Labour leader said "I have more important things to do than join their rubbish smelly conspiracy for global domination"
"I didn't want to join anyway."

The Group, which is composed of senior figures from finance, government, industry, royalty and the military from around the world, began their week-long meeting behind closed doors today. In the past, figures including George W. Bush, Bill Clinton, Tony Blair and David Cameron have all been invited to attend before they were elected, a move seen by some as proof of the Bilderberg's power.

"Why would I want to go?" asked Milliband, clumsily trying to slice an egg and getting yolk on his tie. "I've got lots of more interesting things to do. In fact, I don't care, so there." Reciting in a nasal monotone from a series of cue cards he added "Austerity, Tory toffs, thatcher, broken Britain, cost of living crisis, Cameron's chums, Eton", before dropping his fork and knocking the ketchup over. "Me and my best friend Ed Balls can do loads of cool stuff and hang out anyway. It'll be lots more fun than being a member of their stupid club.
"Ed? Ed? Has anyone seen Ed?

"Oh God, he's there, isn't he?"

You know that figure of 'only 0.7% of the welfare budget is lost to fraud' figure that gets thrown around in comparison to tax avoidance/ evasion?

Does anyone have a citation with the data that's based on, please? I ask because a 0.7% incidence is lower than any statistically significant margin of error I've ever seen and I'd like to look at the original numbers to see how they came by it.

In an inadvertent twist to their debates in the future of Britain in the European Union, after more than an hour of argument Nick Clegg told Nigel Farage “you complete me”, and the two men agreed to marry without further delay.
Before an audience of millions, the two men declared their complete dependency for the rest of their political lives as, in a crowded hall in front of a picked BBC audience, Nick and Nigel solemnly confirmed their mutual need for each other.
“It was a touching moment”, said one witness. “Of course we’ve all known about Nick and Nigel for years, but to see them make it public like this was wonderful. The way they gazed at each other just made it clear that neither of them has any hope without the other.”

“Without Nigel I’d just be a sorry has-been who everyone ignores”, said Deputy Prime Minister Clegg, “but when he and I were on television I felt alive and important again. He really made me feel like what I said mattered for the first time in years.
“I can’t remember the last time I had more than six people listen to anything I said”, he added. “And that’s if you include the dog and my gerbils.”

Nigel Farage said “I think I first loved Nick when I pointed out that his ‘benefits’ of staying in the EU were nothing a tissue of lies and he started to cry”, said Nigel Farage, coyly running a finger around the rim of his pint. “I do like a man who can show his sensitive side. Especially when he’s also responsible for biggest audience I’m ever likely to have in my entire life.
“I hope we can do this again and again forever.”

When asked about his wife, Nick Clegg refused to make any comment except “I’m very sorry”, a remix of which is now at no.7 in the charts.

Sources close to the couple expect them both to retire from politics after they both come nowhere in the next election and look for work in the light entertainment chat-show business.
“Both Alan Carr and Graham Norton are knocking on a bit, so the BBC needs a couple of bitchy queens to prop up the Saturday night schedules – and Nick and Nigel would seem to fit the bill. .
“And let’s face it, neither of them is cut out for government.”

Member of Ghanaian ruling party blames economic crisis on witchcraft and satanic dwarfs

Because Vladimir Putin has less money to play with now than the Soviet Union did 25 years ago, and that's *before* you take inflation into account.

In the wake of the Bishop of Westminster's comments regarding welfare reforms, David Cameron is reported to be crying "Who will rid me of this turbulent priest!?" at regular intervals, and especially when any ambitious soldiers might hear.

"He was supposed to be inspecting the lads on our return from Afghanistan and thanking us for helping out with the flooding", said Sergeant Greg Miller of the 3rd Mechanised Division, "but every five or six steps he'd stop, look thoughtful like an idea had just come to him, spout the turbulent priest line, and then give a little furtive look round like he was checking to see if anyone had heard.
"It was a bit embarrassing for everyone, really."

Cameron is also reported to have 'left a map to Westminster Cathedral with a fifty pound note stapled to it' on the desk of the commanding officer of the Royal Marine Commandos, and been heard loudly commenting that the bishop "is just like a member of the Taliban when you think about it" within earshot of a company of Gurkhas.

When asked about this behaviour, David Cameron said "By gar, me vill kill de priest; for he speak for a jack-an-ape", before adding "Is that thing on?"

A spokesman for the government said it would be tragic were anything to happen to the Bishop, and if it did they would engage the same people who wrote the Hutton Report to carry out a full enquiry.