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Telling the ladies how it is.
Oct. 28th, 2008 09:40 amIn the 1980’s, back when he was funny, Lenny Henry created a character called Theophilus P. Wildebeeste, an outrageously sexist soul singer who was utterly unable to edit what his brain thought before it came out of his mouth.
I thought of this the other day when I was handed a copy of “The Re-education of the female”. Only the fact that the name of the author – Dante Moore – and his picture were on the book stopped me being convinced that it was some sort of spoof, possibly written by Henry in his Wildebeeste persona. But no. Instead it's a book which has already garnered a certain amount of press attention.
Dante Moore calls himself “The Re-Educator”, and sees it as his given role to tell women – especially single ones – what it is they are doing wrong when it comes to getting and keeping a man. He claims that his book comprises everything he has ever learned about men, women and their relationships. I don’t agree, as reading the book makes it abundantly clear that he could have done that in about four pages.
Sadly for him, Dante has not written an intelligent self-help book. He has instead written what may well be the funniest book I’ve ever read in my life. “The Re-Education of the Female” is not a book to be read cover-to-cover, or on your own – it would rapidly get depressing were you to do that. Rather, it is a book to be read with a group of friends, opening it at random and reading out choice excerpts in silly voices because – and you have my cast-iron guarantee on this – every single page of the book has at least one laugh-out-loud moment on it. Trust me: I just spent an entire weekend doing this and it didn’t get old once.
Dante claims to be a graduate of Morgan State University and a Computer engineer. Unfortunately for him he promptly undermines this claim with statements like If there was one beautiful person for every thirty thousand that would mean about 3.5 per cent of Earth’s population would be beautiful.
I don’t know what academic requirements Morgan State University puts on entry to its IT programmes, but I reckon it’s a dead cert that mathematics isn’t amongst them.
But let’s have a few highlights shall we?
Dante on why conversations with your man sometimes don’t go the way you might like:
Men like to zone out – a lot. We just want to clear our minds for a while and chill. This is how we get rid of our stress without killing somebody. Watching TV, sleeping, relaxing outside on the porch or hammock while having a drink or smoke are a few ways that men zone out. This is why men get so mad when women interrupt these moments. We’re trying to relax and here you come with some bullshit like, “We need to talk” or “Did you take out the trash?” or “Do I look fat in this?”. Yes, bitch, you look fat. If you need to ask, then yes, damn it, your big ass looks fat. Now go do some laps and leave me the hell alone.
Did you notice the subtle - almost subliminal - way that the author segued from talking about relationships to suggesting that you may be fat and you ought to take some exercise? He does this a lot. About once every 2-3 pages, on average.
Dante on how a man talks:
A man does not ask. A man commands.
Bear that one in mind, ladies. If your man says “Would you pass me the salt, please?” over dinner that’s not a polite request it's a command, and you’d better pass that damn salt like your life depends upon it.
Dante on how to spot if your man might be gay:
Ladies, no straight man is going to walk down the street looking other dudes in the face. Number one, it’s gay. Number two, it’s a waste of time and energy. Why look other dudes in the face when we can be watching phat-asses walk by when our woman ain’t looking?
In fact, Dante writes several chapters on male homosexuals. Far more than might be needed in a book ostensibly about helping women to find a good man, but just enough to make the perspicacious reader start asking some very searching questions about Dente himself. In fact, one of the principal joys of this book is that the author is so unwittingly revealing about himself. The lengthy chapter on the iniquity and unfairness to men of the child support system of payments is rendered unintentionally hilarious by the author admitting that he has a child from a 'previous relationship'.
Through all of this, the author remains unapologetic as to whether his language or tone might cause offense - he's just 'telling it like it is'. Delightfully, though, Dante didn't offend me once. However, he did once make me laugh so hard that coffee came out of my nose, and that's a success in my book - just not the success I think he was hoping for.
I know what most of my friends are getting for christmas.
I thought of this the other day when I was handed a copy of “The Re-education of the female”. Only the fact that the name of the author – Dante Moore – and his picture were on the book stopped me being convinced that it was some sort of spoof, possibly written by Henry in his Wildebeeste persona. But no. Instead it's a book which has already garnered a certain amount of press attention.
Dante Moore calls himself “The Re-Educator”, and sees it as his given role to tell women – especially single ones – what it is they are doing wrong when it comes to getting and keeping a man. He claims that his book comprises everything he has ever learned about men, women and their relationships. I don’t agree, as reading the book makes it abundantly clear that he could have done that in about four pages.
Sadly for him, Dante has not written an intelligent self-help book. He has instead written what may well be the funniest book I’ve ever read in my life. “The Re-Education of the Female” is not a book to be read cover-to-cover, or on your own – it would rapidly get depressing were you to do that. Rather, it is a book to be read with a group of friends, opening it at random and reading out choice excerpts in silly voices because – and you have my cast-iron guarantee on this – every single page of the book has at least one laugh-out-loud moment on it. Trust me: I just spent an entire weekend doing this and it didn’t get old once.
Dante claims to be a graduate of Morgan State University and a Computer engineer. Unfortunately for him he promptly undermines this claim with statements like If there was one beautiful person for every thirty thousand that would mean about 3.5 per cent of Earth’s population would be beautiful.
I don’t know what academic requirements Morgan State University puts on entry to its IT programmes, but I reckon it’s a dead cert that mathematics isn’t amongst them.
But let’s have a few highlights shall we?
Dante on why conversations with your man sometimes don’t go the way you might like:
Men like to zone out – a lot. We just want to clear our minds for a while and chill. This is how we get rid of our stress without killing somebody. Watching TV, sleeping, relaxing outside on the porch or hammock while having a drink or smoke are a few ways that men zone out. This is why men get so mad when women interrupt these moments. We’re trying to relax and here you come with some bullshit like, “We need to talk” or “Did you take out the trash?” or “Do I look fat in this?”. Yes, bitch, you look fat. If you need to ask, then yes, damn it, your big ass looks fat. Now go do some laps and leave me the hell alone.
Did you notice the subtle - almost subliminal - way that the author segued from talking about relationships to suggesting that you may be fat and you ought to take some exercise? He does this a lot. About once every 2-3 pages, on average.
Dante on how a man talks:
A man does not ask. A man commands.
Bear that one in mind, ladies. If your man says “Would you pass me the salt, please?” over dinner that’s not a polite request it's a command, and you’d better pass that damn salt like your life depends upon it.
Dante on how to spot if your man might be gay:
Ladies, no straight man is going to walk down the street looking other dudes in the face. Number one, it’s gay. Number two, it’s a waste of time and energy. Why look other dudes in the face when we can be watching phat-asses walk by when our woman ain’t looking?
In fact, Dante writes several chapters on male homosexuals. Far more than might be needed in a book ostensibly about helping women to find a good man, but just enough to make the perspicacious reader start asking some very searching questions about Dente himself. In fact, one of the principal joys of this book is that the author is so unwittingly revealing about himself. The lengthy chapter on the iniquity and unfairness to men of the child support system of payments is rendered unintentionally hilarious by the author admitting that he has a child from a 'previous relationship'.
Through all of this, the author remains unapologetic as to whether his language or tone might cause offense - he's just 'telling it like it is'. Delightfully, though, Dante didn't offend me once. However, he did once make me laugh so hard that coffee came out of my nose, and that's a success in my book - just not the success I think he was hoping for.
I know what most of my friends are getting for christmas.
