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I sometimes wonder if the MI6 spooks down on the South Bank have a big staff outing to the premiere whenever a new James Bond film comes out. I mean, it would be dead easy for them to hack the booking computer at the Odeon if they wanted the best seats.
Watching Casino Royale and then Quantum of Solace back to back recently, something struck me; just exactly how much James Bond actually drinks. In Casino Royale, he invents a cocktail he calls the Vesper - three shots of gin, one of vodka and one of Kina Lillet which, whichever way you look at it, is a heck of a lot of alcohol. He then sits there tipping this devilish concoction down his neck whilst playing poker for tens of millions of pounds. Later, in Quantum of Solace, he sinks six of these drinks before leading a bunch of special forces soldiers a merry dance. Six! I was sure that if I drank that many I'd have trouble standing, never mind running parkour over the rooftops of Bogota.
Naturally, I decided to find out. It was here I made my first, basic error. I neglected to take into account the fact that James Bond's liver is fictional and mine isn't.
A trip to the shops secured the gin and vodka. I couldn't lay my hands on any Kina Lillet so I made do with three shots of gin and two of vodka, reasoning that this would be just as efficatious - and phew, was it ever. After one, I was mildly woozy. After two, I felt like what![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
ukmonty must feel like all the time*. After three, I'd lost my shirt on internet poker and decided that any more could do me lasting harm.
The retooling of the Bond franchise has produced two of the best action films of recent years; however, I think they could have been made even better if they'd shown realistically the effects of Bond's drinking...
Cashino Royale
[Scene: Exterior, the British Embassy in Prague on a snowy winter night. A sleek Aston Martin pulls up outside, knocking the bins over. After several attempts, JAMES BOND climbs out and steadies himself against the car before being noisily sick. He staggers into the building.]
[Scene: Interior, The British Embassy. Bond is pointing a gun at a treasonous diplomat.]
Bond: You know, M really doeshn't mind you making a bit of money on the shide. That illegal bootlegging operation for all the shpies and sho on, but shhe doesh draw the line at shelling shecretsh.
Villain: Say "She sells sea shells". Go on, I dare you.
Bond: You're overconfident.
Villain: You aren't going to kill me. M would have sent a 'double 0' for that, and I'd know if you were. It'd be on your file. You need two kills for that.
Bond: I've got more.
Villain: Really?
Bond: Yesh, I shkidded into a bush stop on the way over. Maybe shix or sheven. Difficult to shay.
Villain:...
Bond: Didn't know the licenshe to kill included people on pelican crossingsh, did you?
Villain: How did he die?
Bond: Your contact?
Villain: Yes.
Bond: I backed over him in the car park. Mirror, shignal, manouever? You can't exshpect me to remember that every time, come on.
Villain: Did he make you feel it?
Bond: God, yesh, firsht thing I knew there was a hell of a bump as I went over him. It'll cosht me five hundred nicker to get the dentsh out. Bang goesh my no claimsh. Of courshe I legged it out of there ash quick ash I could, but then it turned out he was KGB and I wash a hero.
Villain: Well, you'll find that the kills get...
Bond: [Fires gun] Yesh, conshiderably.
Villain: [Looking at the broken picture on the wall behind him] What the hell was that?
Bond: Bugger, thish alwaysh happens. Hang on, I'll get you with the nexst one. [Fires again].
Villain: You're wrecking my office!
Bond: Shtand shtill, both you you! [Fires wildly].
Bond: [His gun clicking empty] Cobblers. I don't shuppose you have any bulletsh, do you?
Villain: Certainly. They're in the drawer...next to the bottle of scotch.
Roll titles.
*Which leads me to suspect that Monty could actually be a secret agent and all those times he doesn't return phone calls or reply to texts, it's because he's fighting a man with metal hands on a rickety gantry and not just because he's ignoring me.
Watching Casino Royale and then Quantum of Solace back to back recently, something struck me; just exactly how much James Bond actually drinks. In Casino Royale, he invents a cocktail he calls the Vesper - three shots of gin, one of vodka and one of Kina Lillet which, whichever way you look at it, is a heck of a lot of alcohol. He then sits there tipping this devilish concoction down his neck whilst playing poker for tens of millions of pounds. Later, in Quantum of Solace, he sinks six of these drinks before leading a bunch of special forces soldiers a merry dance. Six! I was sure that if I drank that many I'd have trouble standing, never mind running parkour over the rooftops of Bogota.
Naturally, I decided to find out. It was here I made my first, basic error. I neglected to take into account the fact that James Bond's liver is fictional and mine isn't.
A trip to the shops secured the gin and vodka. I couldn't lay my hands on any Kina Lillet so I made do with three shots of gin and two of vodka, reasoning that this would be just as efficatious - and phew, was it ever. After one, I was mildly woozy. After two, I felt like what
ukmonty must feel like all the time*. After three, I'd lost my shirt on internet poker and decided that any more could do me lasting harm. The retooling of the Bond franchise has produced two of the best action films of recent years; however, I think they could have been made even better if they'd shown realistically the effects of Bond's drinking...
Cashino Royale
[Scene: Exterior, the British Embassy in Prague on a snowy winter night. A sleek Aston Martin pulls up outside, knocking the bins over. After several attempts, JAMES BOND climbs out and steadies himself against the car before being noisily sick. He staggers into the building.]
[Scene: Interior, The British Embassy. Bond is pointing a gun at a treasonous diplomat.]
Bond: You know, M really doeshn't mind you making a bit of money on the shide. That illegal bootlegging operation for all the shpies and sho on, but shhe doesh draw the line at shelling shecretsh.
Villain: Say "She sells sea shells". Go on, I dare you.
Bond: You're overconfident.
Villain: You aren't going to kill me. M would have sent a 'double 0' for that, and I'd know if you were. It'd be on your file. You need two kills for that.
Bond: I've got more.
Villain: Really?
Bond: Yesh, I shkidded into a bush stop on the way over. Maybe shix or sheven. Difficult to shay.
Villain:...
Bond: Didn't know the licenshe to kill included people on pelican crossingsh, did you?
Villain: How did he die?
Bond: Your contact?
Villain: Yes.
Bond: I backed over him in the car park. Mirror, shignal, manouever? You can't exshpect me to remember that every time, come on.
Villain: Did he make you feel it?
Bond: God, yesh, firsht thing I knew there was a hell of a bump as I went over him. It'll cosht me five hundred nicker to get the dentsh out. Bang goesh my no claimsh. Of courshe I legged it out of there ash quick ash I could, but then it turned out he was KGB and I wash a hero.
Villain: Well, you'll find that the kills get...
Bond: [Fires gun] Yesh, conshiderably.
Villain: [Looking at the broken picture on the wall behind him] What the hell was that?
Bond: Bugger, thish alwaysh happens. Hang on, I'll get you with the nexst one. [Fires again].
Villain: You're wrecking my office!
Bond: Shtand shtill, both you you! [Fires wildly].
Bond: [His gun clicking empty] Cobblers. I don't shuppose you have any bulletsh, do you?
Villain: Certainly. They're in the drawer...next to the bottle of scotch.
Roll titles.
*Which leads me to suspect that Monty could actually be a secret agent and all those times he doesn't return phone calls or reply to texts, it's because he's fighting a man with metal hands on a rickety gantry and not just because he's ignoring me.
