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Victorian Blind Date.
Oct. 15th, 2009 10:17 amVictorian Blind Date
Drum Roll
My Lords, Ladies and Gentlemen, Your Majesty, it’s Previously Unseen but Suitably Chaperoned Assignation – and here’s your host, Mrs Priscilla Black!
Black: Good evening and welcome to Previously Unseen but Suitably Chaperoned Assignation. We’ve got some lovely young ladies hoping to meet the perfect young gentleman and make a fine matrimonial alliance tonight! It’s going to be a lorra lorra fun! So lets meet our gentleman – come on in!
Man: Good evening, Mrs Black.
Black: Good evening. Now who are you and where do you come from?
Man: My name is James Edward Ernest Wilberforce, 3rd Duke of Llandudno.
Black: And what do you do, your Grace?
James: I recently returned from commanding a platoon of cavalry in the overseas dominions.
Black: And did you kill many benighted heathens, chuck?
James: Scores. If one Briton is worth a dozen foreigners, then I must be worth a dozen Britons!
Black: Isn’t he a card, ladies and gentlemen! Now lets meet our young ladies! Are you there contestant number one?
Lady: I am, Mrs Black?
Black: Who are you and where are you from?
Lady: My name is Chastity Flora Smith, Priscilla, and I’m from Bognor.
Black: And what do you do in Bognor, Chastity?
Chastity: I’m adept at needlepoint and scripture knowledge.
Black: Eeeeeeeh, she sounds a proper one, eh, James?
James. Indeed.
Black: Are you there contestant number two?
Lady 2: I am.
Black: Who are you, and where are you from?
Lady 2: My name is Faith and Temperance Anderson, and I’m from Maidenhead.
Black: And what do you do in Maidenhead, Faith?
Faith: I make polite conversation when I am spoken to, and submit to the will of my father at other times.
Black: And contestant three! Are you there?
Lady 3: Aye.
Black: Who are you, and where do you come from?
Lady 3: Me names Tuppenny Upright and I’m from Bow in the East End.
Black:…And what do you do, Tuppenny?
Tuppenny: Most things fer a penny and owt for a shillin’.
Black:…
James: …
Black: Well, James. What questions do you have for our ladies tonight?
James: My first question is: Are you fertile?
Black: Good question, chuck. Chastity?
Chastity: I pray that, when I am wedded in Holy Matrimony, the Lord shall bless my union with many fine, strong children.
Black: Faith?
Faith: My father says that if I am not, you should send me home in disgrace.
Black: Your father sound like a proper upstanding man! And Tuppenny? Are you fertile?
Tuppenny: Eeeh, I ‘opes not. That sort o’ fing costs a packet in gin an’ I’ve not ‘ad sight o’ an ‘ot baff since ‘ ‘fore Michaelmastide.
Black: Er…
James: …
Black: So, um, James. What’s your next question?
James: Is your father titled, a landowner or a major industrialist?
Black: Eeeh! That one’s always important. Chastity?
Chastity: My father owns almost five hundred acres of prime arable land in Hampshire, and nigh two hundred head of cattle.
Black: By Jove, she’s an attractive woman is our Chastity! What about you, Faith?
Faith: My father owns several large mills in Birmingham, plus he holds almost two thousand coolies in indentured servitude making cotton undergarments in China.
Black: And what man could ask for more in a wife? And finally, what about you Tuppenny – what does your father do?
Tuppenny: Buggered if I know. Me mam ‘asn’t got a clue ‘oo ‘e were, what wiv ‘er working making ‘ats since she stopped as a barmaid. The Mercury got into ‘er brain, like. Fer all I knows me dad might be the Prince of Wales hisself!
Black: Not something for a girl in your position to say, Tuppenny! So, James – what’s your last question?
James: Oftimes I am overcome with animal urges which cause my bestial parts to become engorged. At those times I am nigh overcome with an urge to clean the streets. How would you help me overcome these times?
Black: Chastity?
Chastity: I should provide strong restraints and read extracts from Saint Paul’s Epistle to the Corinthians until the time had passed.
Black: Faith?
Faith: I should run you a cold ice-bath and flagellate your sin from you with birch rods.
Black: And finally, Tuppenny?
Tuppenny: I’d toss yer off fer a farthin’?
James: …
Black:…
James:…
Black: Well, James, that’s your questions. Let’s hear our Graham help you decide.
Graham: Well, Priscilla, James and his lucky lady will be swept off with an appropriate escort to the asylum at Bethlehem hospital, where they will have their date watching the amusing caperings and gibberings of the afflicted! But will you take Chastity, who sews and reads the Bible, Faith, who adheres to her fathers wishes and will bring a dowry of cotton mills in China, or Tuppenny, who’ll do anything for a shilling and some gin.
Black: Well, James?
James: Well, I have to say it’s a hard choice, but I’ll go to bedlam with Faith, and I’ll meet Tuppenny round the back of the theatre in five minutes with a handful of loose change and a surgeon’s bone-knife.
Drum Roll
My Lords, Ladies and Gentlemen, Your Majesty, it’s Previously Unseen but Suitably Chaperoned Assignation – and here’s your host, Mrs Priscilla Black!
Black: Good evening and welcome to Previously Unseen but Suitably Chaperoned Assignation. We’ve got some lovely young ladies hoping to meet the perfect young gentleman and make a fine matrimonial alliance tonight! It’s going to be a lorra lorra fun! So lets meet our gentleman – come on in!
Man: Good evening, Mrs Black.
Black: Good evening. Now who are you and where do you come from?
Man: My name is James Edward Ernest Wilberforce, 3rd Duke of Llandudno.
Black: And what do you do, your Grace?
James: I recently returned from commanding a platoon of cavalry in the overseas dominions.
Black: And did you kill many benighted heathens, chuck?
James: Scores. If one Briton is worth a dozen foreigners, then I must be worth a dozen Britons!
Black: Isn’t he a card, ladies and gentlemen! Now lets meet our young ladies! Are you there contestant number one?
Lady: I am, Mrs Black?
Black: Who are you and where are you from?
Lady: My name is Chastity Flora Smith, Priscilla, and I’m from Bognor.
Black: And what do you do in Bognor, Chastity?
Chastity: I’m adept at needlepoint and scripture knowledge.
Black: Eeeeeeeh, she sounds a proper one, eh, James?
James. Indeed.
Black: Are you there contestant number two?
Lady 2: I am.
Black: Who are you, and where are you from?
Lady 2: My name is Faith and Temperance Anderson, and I’m from Maidenhead.
Black: And what do you do in Maidenhead, Faith?
Faith: I make polite conversation when I am spoken to, and submit to the will of my father at other times.
Black: And contestant three! Are you there?
Lady 3: Aye.
Black: Who are you, and where do you come from?
Lady 3: Me names Tuppenny Upright and I’m from Bow in the East End.
Black:…And what do you do, Tuppenny?
Tuppenny: Most things fer a penny and owt for a shillin’.
Black:…
James: …
Black: Well, James. What questions do you have for our ladies tonight?
James: My first question is: Are you fertile?
Black: Good question, chuck. Chastity?
Chastity: I pray that, when I am wedded in Holy Matrimony, the Lord shall bless my union with many fine, strong children.
Black: Faith?
Faith: My father says that if I am not, you should send me home in disgrace.
Black: Your father sound like a proper upstanding man! And Tuppenny? Are you fertile?
Tuppenny: Eeeh, I ‘opes not. That sort o’ fing costs a packet in gin an’ I’ve not ‘ad sight o’ an ‘ot baff since ‘ ‘fore Michaelmastide.
Black: Er…
James: …
Black: So, um, James. What’s your next question?
James: Is your father titled, a landowner or a major industrialist?
Black: Eeeh! That one’s always important. Chastity?
Chastity: My father owns almost five hundred acres of prime arable land in Hampshire, and nigh two hundred head of cattle.
Black: By Jove, she’s an attractive woman is our Chastity! What about you, Faith?
Faith: My father owns several large mills in Birmingham, plus he holds almost two thousand coolies in indentured servitude making cotton undergarments in China.
Black: And what man could ask for more in a wife? And finally, what about you Tuppenny – what does your father do?
Tuppenny: Buggered if I know. Me mam ‘asn’t got a clue ‘oo ‘e were, what wiv ‘er working making ‘ats since she stopped as a barmaid. The Mercury got into ‘er brain, like. Fer all I knows me dad might be the Prince of Wales hisself!
Black: Not something for a girl in your position to say, Tuppenny! So, James – what’s your last question?
James: Oftimes I am overcome with animal urges which cause my bestial parts to become engorged. At those times I am nigh overcome with an urge to clean the streets. How would you help me overcome these times?
Black: Chastity?
Chastity: I should provide strong restraints and read extracts from Saint Paul’s Epistle to the Corinthians until the time had passed.
Black: Faith?
Faith: I should run you a cold ice-bath and flagellate your sin from you with birch rods.
Black: And finally, Tuppenny?
Tuppenny: I’d toss yer off fer a farthin’?
James: …
Black:…
James:…
Black: Well, James, that’s your questions. Let’s hear our Graham help you decide.
Graham: Well, Priscilla, James and his lucky lady will be swept off with an appropriate escort to the asylum at Bethlehem hospital, where they will have their date watching the amusing caperings and gibberings of the afflicted! But will you take Chastity, who sews and reads the Bible, Faith, who adheres to her fathers wishes and will bring a dowry of cotton mills in China, or Tuppenny, who’ll do anything for a shilling and some gin.
Black: Well, James?
James: Well, I have to say it’s a hard choice, but I’ll go to bedlam with Faith, and I’ll meet Tuppenny round the back of the theatre in five minutes with a handful of loose change and a surgeon’s bone-knife.
