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The Bride of Mandelstein.
Jan. 22nd, 2010 11:04 amThe howling of wolves and the crash of thunder. The opening chords of Bach’s Toccata and Fugue in D. Then, a booming knock at a door. The music stops.
A voice of great evil: Enter?
A door creaks open.
Flunky: Gordon Brown to see you, Lord Mandelson.
Peter Mandelson (for it is he):Bid him enter.
Gordon Brown (entering): Oh, hallo, Peter. Gordon Brown. I’m the Prime Minister?
Peter Mandelson: Yes, yes, I remember you, what is it?
Gordon Brown: It’s about, uh, it’s about this list of demands you’ve sent me. About your continued support for me as leader of the Labour party?
Peter Mandelson: Yes? What’s the problem.
Gordon Brown: Well, there might be a few issues. This first point for example. You no longer want to be Lord Mandelson of Hartlepool.
Peter Mandelson: No.
Gordon Brown: You want to be Count Mandelson.
Peter Mandelson: I think it has a ring to it, don’t you?
Gordon Brown: Well, we don’t really have Counts in this country?
Peter Mandelson: A mere legislative problem. Stick a bill through or something. You know, whatever it is you do in Parliament.
Gordon Brown: Well, I suppose so, but…um…this next point. This new tax you want putting in the next budget.
Peter Mandelson: I can’t see there being any problem with it. After all, we’re taking fifty percent here and forty percent there. It’s quite a small thing, really.
Gordon Brown: A fifteen percent levy on the blood of virgins?
Peter Mandelson: You think that a little low? Am I being underambitous in my targets? Perhaps I should ask for twenty five percent?
Gordon Brown: No! No, no. I’m sure fifteen percent will be fine… I hope. We just won’t announce it until after the next election, and maybe slip it into the NHS reforms or something.
Peter Mandelson: Was there anything more?
Gordon Brown: Well, one final thing. You say you don’t want to oppose the Tories tax benefits for married couples?
Peter Mandelson: That’s right. You see, I have, for some time, considered that I should take myself…a bride.
Gordon Brown: A bride? No offense, Peter, but I didn’t think you were the marrying kind what with you being… you know.
Peter Mandelson: Gay?
Gordon Brown:No, undead.
Peter Mandelson: A count should have a bride, Brown, and I believe I have found her. Behold!
The sound of a curtain being pulled aside
Gordon Brown: Heaven Help me!
Peter Mandelson: Is she not beautiful? Soon, she will live! Can you hear the storm grow in intensity?
The storm grows in intensity
Peter Mandelson: A single bolt of lightning shall awaken her, and she shall rule at my side as my bride! Listen…it is happening!
A bolt of lightning, the crackle of electricity. Chains rattle and then…the first, uncertain steps
Peter Mandelson: She lives! See! She walks! Isn’t she beautiful, Gordon? Look – she’s going to speak!
Margaret Thatcher:YOU TURN IF YOU WANT TO, THE LADY’S NOT FOR TURNING
Peter Mandelson: Yes!
Gordon Brown: Actually, she's quite sexy.
A voice of great evil: Enter?
A door creaks open.
Flunky: Gordon Brown to see you, Lord Mandelson.
Peter Mandelson (for it is he):Bid him enter.
Gordon Brown (entering): Oh, hallo, Peter. Gordon Brown. I’m the Prime Minister?
Peter Mandelson: Yes, yes, I remember you, what is it?
Gordon Brown: It’s about, uh, it’s about this list of demands you’ve sent me. About your continued support for me as leader of the Labour party?
Peter Mandelson: Yes? What’s the problem.
Gordon Brown: Well, there might be a few issues. This first point for example. You no longer want to be Lord Mandelson of Hartlepool.
Peter Mandelson: No.
Gordon Brown: You want to be Count Mandelson.
Peter Mandelson: I think it has a ring to it, don’t you?
Gordon Brown: Well, we don’t really have Counts in this country?
Peter Mandelson: A mere legislative problem. Stick a bill through or something. You know, whatever it is you do in Parliament.
Gordon Brown: Well, I suppose so, but…um…this next point. This new tax you want putting in the next budget.
Peter Mandelson: I can’t see there being any problem with it. After all, we’re taking fifty percent here and forty percent there. It’s quite a small thing, really.
Gordon Brown: A fifteen percent levy on the blood of virgins?
Peter Mandelson: You think that a little low? Am I being underambitous in my targets? Perhaps I should ask for twenty five percent?
Gordon Brown: No! No, no. I’m sure fifteen percent will be fine… I hope. We just won’t announce it until after the next election, and maybe slip it into the NHS reforms or something.
Peter Mandelson: Was there anything more?
Gordon Brown: Well, one final thing. You say you don’t want to oppose the Tories tax benefits for married couples?
Peter Mandelson: That’s right. You see, I have, for some time, considered that I should take myself…a bride.
Gordon Brown: A bride? No offense, Peter, but I didn’t think you were the marrying kind what with you being… you know.
Peter Mandelson: Gay?
Gordon Brown:No, undead.
Peter Mandelson: A count should have a bride, Brown, and I believe I have found her. Behold!
The sound of a curtain being pulled aside
Gordon Brown: Heaven Help me!
Peter Mandelson: Is she not beautiful? Soon, she will live! Can you hear the storm grow in intensity?
The storm grows in intensity
Peter Mandelson: A single bolt of lightning shall awaken her, and she shall rule at my side as my bride! Listen…it is happening!
A bolt of lightning, the crackle of electricity. Chains rattle and then…the first, uncertain steps
Peter Mandelson: She lives! See! She walks! Isn’t she beautiful, Gordon? Look – she’s going to speak!
Margaret Thatcher:YOU TURN IF YOU WANT TO, THE LADY’S NOT FOR TURNING
Peter Mandelson: Yes!
Gordon Brown: Actually, she's quite sexy.
