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Every Christmas the bookshops are full of annuals and novelty books, for the sort of people who go into bookshops once a year without much of an idea what to get for relatives who they don't see very often and don't really know what they like. As I ambled through Waterstones before Christmas this year, one book which caught my eye was There's Probably no God: The Atheist's Guide to Christmas
My immediate assumption was that this had to be a spoof novelty; full of advice on how to sit moodily over a candle muttering "Bah! Humbug!" whilst people around you enjoyed themselves. However, it turned out that (as usual) my assumptions were wrong and it was perfectly serious. I picked it up and had a browse and found it was full of short essays by prominent atheists like Richard Dawkins, Simon le Bon and Josie Long (although her inclusion stretches anyone's definition of 'prominent') about how you can enjoy Christmas without having to believe any of that religion stuff. It turns out - get this, it's good - that you can have parties and give presents at Christmas even if you're an atheist.
My reaction to this wasn't disbelief of mockery or anything like that; it was simply me thinking There's people out there willing to pay good money to be told that?, and as usual when there's money to be made, my mind got to working. There are, after all, plenty of other religious festivals for books to be written about them from the atheist point of view.
There's probably no Bunny: An Atheist Guide to Easter: "...and don't forget when giving children their easter eggs - do make sure they know they're from you and not an anthropomophised cartoon rabbit!"
There's probably no Jehovah: An atheist guide to Passover: "Unleavened bread is high in carbs, so don't overdo it - and remember that spreading blood from a freshly sacrificed lamb on your lintel may breach EU food hygiene regulations".
There's probably no Moon Goddess: An atheist guide to Beltane: If you want to light a bonfire and dance naked around it, knock yourselves out. Just, please, don't do it when the author is anywhere nearby. It's never attractive."
There's probably no virgins: An atheist guide to suicide bombing: "Blowing yourself up on public transport has a long history, and there's no reason why the irreligious can't get some of that action."
In fact, pretty much every weekend has some sort of religious festival so if I put my mind to it I reckon I can churn something out every week which with luck people who don't believe in any God but feel the need to tell everyone will give me their hard-earned loot for. This coming weekend we can have:
There's probably no wise men: an atheist guide to the fourth Sunday after Epiphany: According to the order of service the lesson for this Sunday is Matthew 8:23 - 34 which deals with the taming of the tempest on the sea of Gallilee and the casting out of devils, so I recommend atheists get into the swing of things by booking themselves into a floatation tank this weekend and then making plans to vote against the Labour Party in the upcoming elections.
That'll be £5.99, please.
My immediate assumption was that this had to be a spoof novelty; full of advice on how to sit moodily over a candle muttering "Bah! Humbug!" whilst people around you enjoyed themselves. However, it turned out that (as usual) my assumptions were wrong and it was perfectly serious. I picked it up and had a browse and found it was full of short essays by prominent atheists like Richard Dawkins, Simon le Bon and Josie Long (although her inclusion stretches anyone's definition of 'prominent') about how you can enjoy Christmas without having to believe any of that religion stuff. It turns out - get this, it's good - that you can have parties and give presents at Christmas even if you're an atheist.
My reaction to this wasn't disbelief of mockery or anything like that; it was simply me thinking There's people out there willing to pay good money to be told that?, and as usual when there's money to be made, my mind got to working. There are, after all, plenty of other religious festivals for books to be written about them from the atheist point of view.
There's probably no Bunny: An Atheist Guide to Easter: "...and don't forget when giving children their easter eggs - do make sure they know they're from you and not an anthropomophised cartoon rabbit!"
There's probably no Jehovah: An atheist guide to Passover: "Unleavened bread is high in carbs, so don't overdo it - and remember that spreading blood from a freshly sacrificed lamb on your lintel may breach EU food hygiene regulations".
There's probably no Moon Goddess: An atheist guide to Beltane: If you want to light a bonfire and dance naked around it, knock yourselves out. Just, please, don't do it when the author is anywhere nearby. It's never attractive."
There's probably no virgins: An atheist guide to suicide bombing: "Blowing yourself up on public transport has a long history, and there's no reason why the irreligious can't get some of that action."
In fact, pretty much every weekend has some sort of religious festival so if I put my mind to it I reckon I can churn something out every week which with luck people who don't believe in any God but feel the need to tell everyone will give me their hard-earned loot for. This coming weekend we can have:
There's probably no wise men: an atheist guide to the fourth Sunday after Epiphany: According to the order of service the lesson for this Sunday is Matthew 8:23 - 34 which deals with the taming of the tempest on the sea of Gallilee and the casting out of devils, so I recommend atheists get into the swing of things by booking themselves into a floatation tank this weekend and then making plans to vote against the Labour Party in the upcoming elections.
That'll be £5.99, please.
