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Up the election.
May. 4th, 2010 10:04 amUnusually for me, I've rather stayed off the subject of the election lately - mostly because for all the media say it's the most exciting election we've had in years, in my case it's all I can do to prop my eyelids open with matchsticks to stay awake when the news turns to politics.
In reality, all David Cameron had to do to win the election was walk round holding a placard with a picture of Gordon Brown on it and hope that Madeleine McCann wasn’t found in his cellar until after polls had closed, but in a strategic error he agreed to a series of 3-way leader’s debates presumably on the assumption it would be kinda fun and no danger to him at all – like boxing Noddy and Big Ears, perhaps. However, it’s turned out that whilst Big Ears has just lain on the ground braying like an epileptic donkey, Noddy has proven surprisingly popular with the electorate and every time he nodded his head and made the bell on his hat jingle he added another ten thousand votes.
Conservative reaction to this has been to try a series of new and different strategies in billboard and poster advertising; everything from slick images of Cameron looking serious to negative messages about Gordon Brown, until it dawned upon them that all they really needed to do to make an impact was use posters with complex images as backgrounds to make it really difficult for people on the internet to edit comical messages onto them.
For the Liberal Democrats their exposure has led to a scene reminiscent of Kill Bill part 1, in which they have lurched awake from their political coma only to find Gordon Brown lying on top of them licking their face. Unsurprisingly Nick Clegg promptly indicated his preference for working with the Conservatives in the event of a hung parliament after an evening of political thought, rational consideration and heart-searching revolving around the fact that David Cameron is going to win. This has been greeted with horror by the more sandal-wearing type of LibDem supporters, who were hoping for a Labour/Libdem coalition to pursue their agenda of pacifism, nuclear disarmament and electoral reform. Plainly it has passed them by that Labour has just spent the last decade gleefully starting wars, buying atom bombs and not reforming the electoral system, but then again they’re LibDem voters and that alone demonstrates a lot has passed them by. Pretty much everything since 1927, in fact.
Meanwhile on the campaign trail, Gordon Brown has gone from flogging a dead horse to just plain looking like one. The skin has sagged on his face, he’s taken on the grey, waxy sheen of an extra in Dawn of the Dead, and he spent most of the leader’s debates gurning in a way which I’m told was him smiling but instead just made him look like he was about to make a grab for David Dimbleby and start tearing lumps out of his throat. As a strategy that couldn’t have worked any worse for him than anything else he’s tried and might even have got him a few votes from viewers impressed by his directness. However, for most on the time trying to get his message across Gordon has been at pains to emphasise his tenacity and stability – perhaps not the best message to give when you look like something which normally has to be shot in the head before it stops trying to eat you.
So that’s the choice; we have the walking dead (soon to be put out of his misery by Peter Mandelson, who has been seen in a shotgun shop), Noddy furiously jingling his hat and hoping that will be enough to give him a seat at the top table without anyone asking him any difficult questions (like his favourite colour, or the time), and a man whose facial skin tone, colour and expression just makes him look like someone has drawn a frown on a spacehopper. It's all still to play for. Wake me when it's over.
In reality, all David Cameron had to do to win the election was walk round holding a placard with a picture of Gordon Brown on it and hope that Madeleine McCann wasn’t found in his cellar until after polls had closed, but in a strategic error he agreed to a series of 3-way leader’s debates presumably on the assumption it would be kinda fun and no danger to him at all – like boxing Noddy and Big Ears, perhaps. However, it’s turned out that whilst Big Ears has just lain on the ground braying like an epileptic donkey, Noddy has proven surprisingly popular with the electorate and every time he nodded his head and made the bell on his hat jingle he added another ten thousand votes.
Conservative reaction to this has been to try a series of new and different strategies in billboard and poster advertising; everything from slick images of Cameron looking serious to negative messages about Gordon Brown, until it dawned upon them that all they really needed to do to make an impact was use posters with complex images as backgrounds to make it really difficult for people on the internet to edit comical messages onto them.
For the Liberal Democrats their exposure has led to a scene reminiscent of Kill Bill part 1, in which they have lurched awake from their political coma only to find Gordon Brown lying on top of them licking their face. Unsurprisingly Nick Clegg promptly indicated his preference for working with the Conservatives in the event of a hung parliament after an evening of political thought, rational consideration and heart-searching revolving around the fact that David Cameron is going to win. This has been greeted with horror by the more sandal-wearing type of LibDem supporters, who were hoping for a Labour/Libdem coalition to pursue their agenda of pacifism, nuclear disarmament and electoral reform. Plainly it has passed them by that Labour has just spent the last decade gleefully starting wars, buying atom bombs and not reforming the electoral system, but then again they’re LibDem voters and that alone demonstrates a lot has passed them by. Pretty much everything since 1927, in fact.
Meanwhile on the campaign trail, Gordon Brown has gone from flogging a dead horse to just plain looking like one. The skin has sagged on his face, he’s taken on the grey, waxy sheen of an extra in Dawn of the Dead, and he spent most of the leader’s debates gurning in a way which I’m told was him smiling but instead just made him look like he was about to make a grab for David Dimbleby and start tearing lumps out of his throat. As a strategy that couldn’t have worked any worse for him than anything else he’s tried and might even have got him a few votes from viewers impressed by his directness. However, for most on the time trying to get his message across Gordon has been at pains to emphasise his tenacity and stability – perhaps not the best message to give when you look like something which normally has to be shot in the head before it stops trying to eat you.
So that’s the choice; we have the walking dead (soon to be put out of his misery by Peter Mandelson, who has been seen in a shotgun shop), Noddy furiously jingling his hat and hoping that will be enough to give him a seat at the top table without anyone asking him any difficult questions (like his favourite colour, or the time), and a man whose facial skin tone, colour and expression just makes him look like someone has drawn a frown on a spacehopper. It's all still to play for. Wake me when it's over.
