The R-Plan diet

"If you had to go on a diet", she asked me, apropos of nothing, "that meant you could only eat food which rhymed, which foods would you eat?"
I gave this question the due consideration it deserved.
"What the heck are you talking about now?", I asked.

I seem to have been thinking about stuff like diets a lot lately. I suppose the brane gets caught up on themes and they have to work themselves out before it will let go.

Anyway, reading about berserk diets in Girl! magazine last week brought it home to me that one way to make pots of cash is to come up with a faddish, novelty diet supported by spurious pseudoscience for people with more time and money than sense and a diet based on rhyming is no less insane than many others. So for the rhyming foods diet - the R-plan, we'll call it, how about:
The human brain has evolved to seek out patterns in nature. By tapping into this innate ability within us all, the R-plan diet harmonises mind and body around these natural patterns. Deep-seated neural responses to neuro-linguistic programmes mean that the R-plan diet is uniquely designed to engage both body and mind in harmonised health and weight-loss activity

By golly, writing pseudoscience is lots easier than writing the real stuff, isn't it?

The only thing is finding rhyming groups of food which won't actually kill you. Sticking to the Liquor and Snickers^tm diet for a month would quite possibly prove fatal. The Bream and Cream^tm diet, whilst being protein and fat-rich, probably wouldn't do you a great deal of good and the scurvy would make life a misery and when you think about it, the Spam, Ham, Lamb, Jam and Clam^tm diet is just an extreme version of the Atkins.
Some foods simply don't rhyme with much at all, so the Onion and... diet isn't going anywhere as the only thing I can come up with to rhyme is "funny'un", and murdering Ronnie Corbett for diet purposes is probably illegal.*
Thinking about it, though, it is possible to come up with workable R-plan diets. The Stout, Trout and Sprout^tm diet not only wouldn't kill you, it'd also pretty much guarantee you got a seat to yourself on the train to work every day. The Beef and Leaf^tm diet would allow you a regular diet of steak and salad, as well as beef-stock soups like Pak Choi, and then would allow you to finish every meal with a large cigar which would help make the health kick you were on rather more bearable.

Possibly the most workable R-Plan diets I can think of are the Fruits and Roots diet or the Beans and Greens diet, both of which are OTT versions of veganism so not only would they give you the health benefits of a diet regime backed by fluent psuedoscience, they'd also give you that air which vegans have which they mistakenly think is moral superiority whilst the rest of us think of it as punchableness.

There you have it. If you'll excuse me, I'm off to make a fortune from Madonna and Gwyneth Paltrow.

^{*Murdering Marcus Brigstocke would count as a social duty, but you wouldn't be able to eat him as he doesn't meet the criteria.}