The A-Team

In 1972, a crack commando unit was sent to prison for a crime they did not commit. They promptly escaped from a top security military stockade to the Los Angeles underground, where they survive as soldiers of fortune. And now, if you have a problem and nobody else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire...

The A-Team.

Scene: A back alley in London’s swanky Kensington neighbourhood. An elderly Chinese man is sweeping the floor when a window in a large, red-brick building opens behind him and a man who looks oddly like John Inman out of Are you being served leans out.
Julian Assange (for it is he) (calling to the Chinese man): Hey, hey sport.
Chinese man: Me?
Julian Assange: Yeah, sport, you. Have you seen anyone else about?
Chinese man: Me no see nobody. Me just sweep street. Why you ask?
Julian Assange (sighs): I thought it was a long shot. I was hoping for...someone else.
Chinese man: Who you hoping for?
Julian Asange: A guy by the name of Hannibal Smith.
Chinese man: Hannibar Smit’? What you wanting him for?
Julian Assange: You know him? Hey, that’s bonzer! It’s kinda a long story, but I’m trapped in this building and I need his help to get away.
Chinese man: Trapped?
Julian Assange: Yeah, by some local big-shot. Calls himself William Hague. If I leave this building– bang! – I’m a dead man.
Chinese man: Dead man? What he want you so bad for?
Julian Assange (sighs again): They’ve fixed me up on some crazy made-up charges so they can put me away for a long time. A long time. I’m an innocent man, but I went up against some heavy-hitters and now they want me put away bad. Bad enough to frame me for a crime I didn’t commit.
Chinese man: A crime you didn’t commit? That sound famiriar.
Julian Assange: Yeah. Trumped up charges to get me out of the way. But, hey. I’m sorry to unload all this on you, I was just hoping...
Chinese man Maybe you should stop worrying.
Julian Assange: Yeah? Why’s that?
Chinese man (peeling off a wig and false beard to reveal he is Hannibal!): Because, Mister Assange, you just hired the A-Team. (lights cigar).

[CUT]

scene: The Equadorian Embassy, interior. JULIAN ASSANGE is waiting impatiently, biting his fingernails and with his knees knocking, when through the door comes THE A-TEAM (Hannibal, Face, Murdoch and BA) plus intrepid reporter ANY ADAMS.
Julian: Oh, thank God you’re here!
Hannibal: Now, Mister Assange, you can relax. We’re here to get you out of here and away from trouble. This is my team; Face, Murdoch, and BA, and this is Amy Adams. She’s a reporter who’ll be putting out your story on the biggest newswires on the West Coast.
Julian: Amy! I’m really pleased to meet you! (He goes over to shake her hand and puts his hand down her top instead)
Amy: Hey!
Julian(sulkily): You didn’t say I couldn’t.
Face: Wow, Hannibal, I like this guy’s style.
Murdoch: Me too. A freedom fighter, taking on the big man with only the power of truth and justice to win the day. Just like (he whips out a domino mask and puts it on) The Masked Avenger!
BA: Hannibal, did we have to bring this crazy foo’?
Hannibal: Now guys. The tactical situation is this. The local law, William Hague, is threatening to set his bully-boys on him if he sets foot out of this building, put him in a box, and send him to Sweden.
Face: Sweden? The Communist country?
Hannibal: Yep. The Red Menace itself.
BA: But what is a high placed member of the British government doing in bed with the commies, Hannibal?
Julian: I got the dirt on them all, and it goes right the way to the top. As soon as they get me over the Iron Curtain into Sweden, I’ll never be heard from again.
BA: Hannibal, we can’t let this guy fall into the hands of the reds. We’ve got to get him out of here. But how?
Hannibal (Turning to Murdoch): Masked Avenger, do you think that you could hotwire us an ambulance?
Murdoch: The Masked Avenger does not fear puny British security precautions on motor-vehicular patient transportation!
HannibalFace: Can a bird fly, Hannibal?
Hannibal: Then I think we may just have a plan.
[Cut]

The scene. Outside the Ecuadorian embassy. Armed policemen hide in cover and point automatic weapons at the building. WILLIAM HAGUE, dressed in a cheap, ill-fitting suit, is shouting through a loudhailer.

Hague: Okay, Assange. You get your butt out of that building and give it up and I promise no harm will come to you. You hear me, Assange, you get the heck out of there or under International Convention 19/b of 1962 by heck we’ll come in and get you.
He is interrupted by an ambulance, sire s wailing, coming round the corner. It screeches to a halt outside the building and HANIBAL SMITH, dressed as a hospital orderly climbs out, followed by AMY ADAMS dressed as a nurse.
Hague: Say, what the hootin’ heck is going on here?
FACE dressed as a doctor exits the building, followed by BA pushing a gurney with a recumbent, covered body on it.
Face: William, isn’t it? William Hague? We’ve got a medical emergency, a serious medical emergency. I’m going to have to ask you and your men to move back at least fifty feet from the contagion area for your own safety.
Hague: What are you trying to pull, mister? I’ve got a fugitive inside that building, and if you think I’m going to...
Face: Now sir, this is one of the worst outbreaks of Orinoco River Dyspepsia I’ve ever seen and it’s highly contagious. Have you had your shots against Orinioco River Dyspepsia sir? Because Colonel Oliveira over there is at the transmission stage.
Hague (Going pale): Contagious?
Face: Very contagious, sir. Now on that gurney we’ve got Colonel Oliveira, a very senior member of the Ecuadorian government. If we don’t get him back to Quito for treatment fast the consequence could be very severe. You don’t want to be responsible for an International Incident, do you sir?
An arm clad in military olive falls from beneath the cloth. The hand can be seen to be covered in large red spots.
Hague: Of, of, course not. Contagious, you say? (Turning) Back away, men!
Face: Nurse, help the colonel with his arm.
AMY ADAMS goes to the gurney where the arm pushes up her skirt.
Amy: Hey!
Julian (from under the cloth): You didn’t say I couldn’t.
Face Oh, God, wandering handitis. It’s started. Nurse Baracus, Nurse Smith, get that man into the ambulance, stat!
BA and HANNIBAL load the gurney into the back of the ambulance. FACE climbs into the front.

Shot: Interior, Ambulance cab.

Hannibal(leaning through from the back): Hit it, Murdoch.
Murdoch: (In the driving seat) Where to?
Hannibal: Where else? Heathrow airport!
[Cut].
The scene: Heathrow airport. A jet with “Ecuadorian airlines” stencilled on the side sits on the tarmac. The Ambulance pulls up alongside and screeches to a halt. BA Climbs out and stares at it.
BA: I ain’t getting on no plane, Hannibal!
Hannibal: I haven’t got time for this. Murdoch!
Murdoch: The Masked Avenger strikes!
MURDOCH steps forward and jabs a hypodermic in BA’s neck. BA swoons to the ground.
Hannibal: Good job, Murdoch. Let’s get these bodies on board!

Scene: Interior, the jet.

HANNIBAL runs down the aisle to the cockpit.
Hannibal: Pilot! Let’s get this crate airborne!
He pulls aside the curtain dividing the cockpit from the cabin to reveal WILLIAM HAGUE pointing a gun.
Hague: You didn’t think you’d get away with this, did you, Smith? (shouting) Okay, round ‘em up!
Policemen and women appear from behind seats and the crew compartments and round the Team and Assange up. Assange takes the opportunity to run his hands over a Policewoman’s backside.
Policewoman : Hey!
Julian: You didn’t say I couldn’t.
Hannibal: So what now, Hague?
Hague: We’ll take you back to Number Ten, Smith. Then it’s back to the stockade for you, and a sealed crate delivered behind the iron Curtain for Assange!
[Cut]
Scene: The garden of No. 10 Downing Street. Hague and his armed goons surround the Team and Assange.
Hague: Okay, put them in the shed. I need to make some calls,
The team are bundled into the garden shed. A panning shot shows us that the shed holds a powerful ride-on lawnmower, several sacks of nitrate fertilizer, some pipes, a workbench, an oxy-acetylene torch, some steel plate and other useful paraphernalia. A Montage sequence then follows; BA lifting steel plates, Face using the blowtorch, Murdoch loading the pipes with fertilizer, Julian sneaking up behind Amy and grabbing her breasts, etc.

[Cut].

Scene: The gardens of No. 10. Armed police stand round guarding the shed. WILLIAM HAGUE is speaking on a mobile telephone.
Hague: Yes, sir, Mister Chairman of the Swedish Communist Party. Assange is locked in the shed. There’s no way he can escape. We’ll be loading him onto an unregistered freighter and shipping him to Tromso as soon as possible. Then you can do what you like to him. As for the A-Team...well, let’s just say nobody will hear from them again...
He is distracted by a powerful roar from inside the shed.
Hague: What the-?
The shed door bursts open as the souped-up two-stroke engine of the mower driven by MURDOCH powers through it. The mower is covered in steel plates and from pipes attached to the sides from which large bound copies of Hansard are being fired. The armed police shoot back, but are soon overcome. Eventually, HANIBAL walks out of the shed to where HAGUE cowers on the ground, his face blackened and his tie askew.
Hannibal: You lose, Hague. Assange gets to go free.
Hague: Yes, anything! Just don’t hurt me! It was all Barack Obamas idea really! I’m just his pawn!
Hannibal: Obama? Maybe we need to pay him a call, eh?
Murdoch: I don’t know, Hannibal, he’s got a great record on the economy.
BA: You crazy foo’, Murdoch!
They are distracted from their fight by the sound of sirens.
Face: Colonel Decker! But how?
Julian: Oh, I posted all your photos, known aliases and current location to Wikileaks. I guess he must have seen it.
Face: But... we helped you! Why?
Julian: Because it was the right thing to do. I think information should be free, and I can’t let personal feelings get in the way of doing the right thing. I’m obviously grateful to you all for your help but it’s important that people know and the greater good must come first, you know.
Face: Julian, you’re a proper twat, aren’t you?
Julian: There’s no need to be so personal. Why can’t we just all be chums?
BA: I’m gonna kill you, foo’,!
Julian: If you’ll excuse me, Jemima Goldsmith is waiting for me in her Ferrari. She understands the difficulty of my struggle. I’m hoping to get to shag her, unless she says I can’t.
JULIAN leaves.
Hague: You idiot, Smith! I tried to warn you about him!
Hannibal: But he was accused of a crime he didn’t commit, just like us!
Hague: You moron, you didn’t buy that, did you? He was accused of a crime he almost certainly did commit, which is why he went into hiding to try to escape justice!
Hannibal: Then Mister Hague, you just hired...The A-Team

TITLES.