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The A-Team
Mar. 28th, 2013 12:03 pmIn 1972 a crack commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn't commit. These men promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground. Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire... the A-Team.
The scene: A back alley in Limassol, Cyprus. VLADIMIR PUTIN is walking down the alley holding a piece of paper which he occasionally glances at. He stops to look in doorways and behind bins. An elderly greek man with a moustache doing some sweeping hails him.
Greek man: Hey, mister? What you doing back here? It can get pretty rough in the back streets?
Putin: Wasting my time, I think. I was supposed to be meeting someone who could help me, but I have been sold, how do you say it? Sold a pup?
Greek Man: Now just hold on a minute there. Looking in back alleys for someone who can help you? That's mighty strange!
Putin: Da, it seems it, yes? But I have got the lot of trouble, yes? And a desperate man...he does desperate things.
Greek man: So what is your problem?
Putin: There is this woman...
Greek Man: I might have known it.
Putin: No! Not in that way. I is happily married President!
Greek Man: So what is it?
Putin: She threatens to put vital Russian industries out of business. Unless we can get billions of Roubles out of Cyprus, she will steal them and impoverish many, many of my friends.
Greek Man So why can't you just get your money?
Putin: She has closed the bank where we keep it. She controls bank, she closes bank, she steals money, my friends...they are left almost penniless!
Greek man: In that case, President Putin (peels off moustache to reveal it is Hannibal Smith!), you just hired The A-Team.
The scene: Interior, the Russian Embassy to Cyprus. The walls and floor are bare, and Vladimir Putin is sitting on an old orange crate talking to the A-Team.
Putin: ...so you see, Angela Merkel has stolen all our money. We have had to sell our furniture and are burning books to keep warm. Without all those Roubles, Russian will be bankrupt in a week.
BA: What I don't understand is why she needs all that money anyway?
Face: It's easy, BA. The bank Angela runs is bankrupt and unless she takes all this money the pension fund goes broke.
BA I don't see any reason why innocent Russian savers should pay for German pensions. That's isn't justice!
Face: That's their choice, BA. Steal or go broke.
Murdoch: Actually, Face-man, I think you'll find that there is an option. Cyprus could re-denominate away from the Euro and leave the European Union. Insolvent banks would be allowed to go under whilst depositors would be guaranteed in the new local currency, with unsecured creditors paid in bank stock pro-rata for whatever is left.
BA: Leave the EU? You're crazy, foo'!.
Hannibal: Don't worry, Mr. Putin, we'll get you your money back.
BA: You got a plan, Hannibal?
HANNIBAL JUST GRINS.
The scene: The Bank of Cyrus. ANGELA MERKEL is sitting behind the manager's desk, smoking a fat cigar and counting money. Enter FACE, dressed in a suit, and MURDOCH, wearing a cod-military uniform.
Merkel: Can I help you gentlemen?
Face: I think you may be able to (he flashes a wallet with some identification far too quickly for her to see). I'm Costas Peck from the Cypriot department of financial authentication, and this is my colleague, Captain Dememtrios Murdoch. We're here to check the validity of your banknotes.
Merkel: The validity of my banknates? Nein! They're mine!
Face: I'm afraid this is a Federal matter, Ms Merkel. If you don't comply, well...I'm afraid you would be in breach of European directive 887.4/vf/6.
Merkel: In breach of A European Directive? Pfft. Those weak-minded fools do what I tell them. Rumpuy! Get in here!
Enter HERMAN VAN RUMPUY
Rumpuy: Yes, mistress?
Merkel: Who run European Union?
Rumpuy (muttering): Merkelblaster.
Merkel: Who run European Union?
Rumpuy (louder): Merkelblaster run European Union.
Merkel: That'll do. Get out.
Exit HERMAN VAN RUMPUY
Face: Well, now, see. If I don't do my job, I'll get into a lot of trouble. I'm sure I beautiful woman like you could see your way to helping me out here?
Merkel (giggles): Well, perhaps I could. Perhaps we could discuss it later? Just the two of us?
Face: You know, I'd like that. Just the two of us? At nine? I know a little place down on the seafront. The fish, the wine. It will be so romantic!
Merkel (Batting her lashes): I'll see you then.
The scene: The Limassol seafront. The A-Team hide in the van.
Hannibal: ...so that's the plan. Face. Are you ready?
Face: I'm ready, Hannibal.
FACE climbs out of the van and walks to the restaurant, where ANGELA is waiting. He puts her arm round her shouders and guides her into the restaurant, making small talk. When he takes her coat and bag, he slips the key to the bank vault out of her handbag and (music starts) slips it to BA, who is dressed as a waiter.
BA passes it to MURDOCH through the kitchen window, who runs to the bank where he and HANNIBAL open up and remove several huge sacks of banknotes marked "Roubles". They load these into the van, before Murdoch passes the key back to BA. He walks two plates to the table and slips the key back the FACE who knocks a napkin off the table, bends down to pick it up, slips the key back into the handbag, sits up and...looks straight down the barrel of a .45 being held by a coldly smiling Merkel.
Merkel: Do you think I'm stupid, Peck? Rumpuy is a big fan of Dave repeats, and recognised you as soon as he saw you earlier. He warned me about you in return for my support on a financial transaction tax.
Face: Now, Angie, baby! I thought we were getting on fine! There's no need for...
Enter the rest of the team, being ushered in by HERMAN VAN RUMPUY and JOSE BARROSO carrying AK47s.
Merkel: You two - take these idiots away and lock them up. By the time they get out, we'll be off this stinking little island and have all their bank deposits with us. Go!
The team are frogmarched through the streets to the Bank of Cyprus, where they are locked in a shed round the back.
Hannibal: Heck, it's crowded in here.
BA: Hannibal! You got to see this! Merkel has got the entire population of Cyprus locked in here!
Murdoch: So that's why they can't leave the EU.
BA: Cut yo' crazy jibber-jabber!
Face (From behind the crowd of Cyriots) Hannibal! You've got to see this!
The camera pans to reveal a stack of machine tools, a ride-on lawnmower, several pipes, a printer, a sack marked "Fertilizer", and similar.
Hannibal: Nice, Face.
Cue Montage. BA welding, Face chatting up pretty cypriot girls, Hannibal using a wrench, Murdoch mixing liquids, etc.
The scene: The next morning. RUMPUY and BARROSO are carrying sacks of cash out of the bank and loading it into a van, overseen by MERKEL. They arew suddenly startled by the roar of a powerful two-stroke engine.
Merkel: What's that -
The shed doors are burst open by the mower covered in steel plates and driven by Hannibal. On the back sits the printer, operated by Murdoch as Face and BA load paper in the back. With the high-pitched whine the superchanged printer begins firing euro notes at merkel, Rumpuy and Barroso who fire their guns but are quickly overwhelmed.
Murdoch: I said printing was the answer to this problem!
BA: I've had just about enough of you, foo'!
Hannibal: Well, guys, we've saved Vladimir's money, and rescued the people of Cyprus from Angela Merkel. Not bad for a day's work, though I say so myself.
There is the distant sound of sirens.
Murdoch: That sounds like Colonel Dekker!
Hannibal: Our cue to split.
The hurry past a crowd of Cypriots, who are scooping up euros.
Anonymous, random Cypriot: Thank you A-Team, you have saved our country!
Vladimir Putin: And my fortune!
TITLES.
The scene: A back alley in Limassol, Cyprus. VLADIMIR PUTIN is walking down the alley holding a piece of paper which he occasionally glances at. He stops to look in doorways and behind bins. An elderly greek man with a moustache doing some sweeping hails him.
Greek man: Hey, mister? What you doing back here? It can get pretty rough in the back streets?
Putin: Wasting my time, I think. I was supposed to be meeting someone who could help me, but I have been sold, how do you say it? Sold a pup?
Greek Man: Now just hold on a minute there. Looking in back alleys for someone who can help you? That's mighty strange!
Putin: Da, it seems it, yes? But I have got the lot of trouble, yes? And a desperate man...he does desperate things.
Greek man: So what is your problem?
Putin: There is this woman...
Greek Man: I might have known it.
Putin: No! Not in that way. I is happily married President!
Greek Man: So what is it?
Putin: She threatens to put vital Russian industries out of business. Unless we can get billions of Roubles out of Cyprus, she will steal them and impoverish many, many of my friends.
Greek Man So why can't you just get your money?
Putin: She has closed the bank where we keep it. She controls bank, she closes bank, she steals money, my friends...they are left almost penniless!
Greek man: In that case, President Putin (peels off moustache to reveal it is Hannibal Smith!), you just hired The A-Team.
The scene: Interior, the Russian Embassy to Cyprus. The walls and floor are bare, and Vladimir Putin is sitting on an old orange crate talking to the A-Team.
Putin: ...so you see, Angela Merkel has stolen all our money. We have had to sell our furniture and are burning books to keep warm. Without all those Roubles, Russian will be bankrupt in a week.
BA: What I don't understand is why she needs all that money anyway?
Face: It's easy, BA. The bank Angela runs is bankrupt and unless she takes all this money the pension fund goes broke.
BA I don't see any reason why innocent Russian savers should pay for German pensions. That's isn't justice!
Face: That's their choice, BA. Steal or go broke.
Murdoch: Actually, Face-man, I think you'll find that there is an option. Cyprus could re-denominate away from the Euro and leave the European Union. Insolvent banks would be allowed to go under whilst depositors would be guaranteed in the new local currency, with unsecured creditors paid in bank stock pro-rata for whatever is left.
BA: Leave the EU? You're crazy, foo'!.
Hannibal: Don't worry, Mr. Putin, we'll get you your money back.
BA: You got a plan, Hannibal?
HANNIBAL JUST GRINS.
The scene: The Bank of Cyrus. ANGELA MERKEL is sitting behind the manager's desk, smoking a fat cigar and counting money. Enter FACE, dressed in a suit, and MURDOCH, wearing a cod-military uniform.
Merkel: Can I help you gentlemen?
Face: I think you may be able to (he flashes a wallet with some identification far too quickly for her to see). I'm Costas Peck from the Cypriot department of financial authentication, and this is my colleague, Captain Dememtrios Murdoch. We're here to check the validity of your banknotes.
Merkel: The validity of my banknates? Nein! They're mine!
Face: I'm afraid this is a Federal matter, Ms Merkel. If you don't comply, well...I'm afraid you would be in breach of European directive 887.4/vf/6.
Merkel: In breach of A European Directive? Pfft. Those weak-minded fools do what I tell them. Rumpuy! Get in here!
Enter HERMAN VAN RUMPUY
Rumpuy: Yes, mistress?
Merkel: Who run European Union?
Rumpuy (muttering): Merkelblaster.
Merkel: Who run European Union?
Rumpuy (louder): Merkelblaster run European Union.
Merkel: That'll do. Get out.
Exit HERMAN VAN RUMPUY
Face: Well, now, see. If I don't do my job, I'll get into a lot of trouble. I'm sure I beautiful woman like you could see your way to helping me out here?
Merkel (giggles): Well, perhaps I could. Perhaps we could discuss it later? Just the two of us?
Face: You know, I'd like that. Just the two of us? At nine? I know a little place down on the seafront. The fish, the wine. It will be so romantic!
Merkel (Batting her lashes): I'll see you then.
The scene: The Limassol seafront. The A-Team hide in the van.
Hannibal: ...so that's the plan. Face. Are you ready?
Face: I'm ready, Hannibal.
FACE climbs out of the van and walks to the restaurant, where ANGELA is waiting. He puts her arm round her shouders and guides her into the restaurant, making small talk. When he takes her coat and bag, he slips the key to the bank vault out of her handbag and (music starts) slips it to BA, who is dressed as a waiter.
BA passes it to MURDOCH through the kitchen window, who runs to the bank where he and HANNIBAL open up and remove several huge sacks of banknotes marked "Roubles". They load these into the van, before Murdoch passes the key back to BA. He walks two plates to the table and slips the key back the FACE who knocks a napkin off the table, bends down to pick it up, slips the key back into the handbag, sits up and...looks straight down the barrel of a .45 being held by a coldly smiling Merkel.
Merkel: Do you think I'm stupid, Peck? Rumpuy is a big fan of Dave repeats, and recognised you as soon as he saw you earlier. He warned me about you in return for my support on a financial transaction tax.
Face: Now, Angie, baby! I thought we were getting on fine! There's no need for...
Enter the rest of the team, being ushered in by HERMAN VAN RUMPUY and JOSE BARROSO carrying AK47s.
Merkel: You two - take these idiots away and lock them up. By the time they get out, we'll be off this stinking little island and have all their bank deposits with us. Go!
The team are frogmarched through the streets to the Bank of Cyprus, where they are locked in a shed round the back.
Hannibal: Heck, it's crowded in here.
BA: Hannibal! You got to see this! Merkel has got the entire population of Cyprus locked in here!
Murdoch: So that's why they can't leave the EU.
BA: Cut yo' crazy jibber-jabber!
Face (From behind the crowd of Cyriots) Hannibal! You've got to see this!
The camera pans to reveal a stack of machine tools, a ride-on lawnmower, several pipes, a printer, a sack marked "Fertilizer", and similar.
Hannibal: Nice, Face.
Cue Montage. BA welding, Face chatting up pretty cypriot girls, Hannibal using a wrench, Murdoch mixing liquids, etc.
The scene: The next morning. RUMPUY and BARROSO are carrying sacks of cash out of the bank and loading it into a van, overseen by MERKEL. They arew suddenly startled by the roar of a powerful two-stroke engine.
Merkel: What's that -
The shed doors are burst open by the mower covered in steel plates and driven by Hannibal. On the back sits the printer, operated by Murdoch as Face and BA load paper in the back. With the high-pitched whine the superchanged printer begins firing euro notes at merkel, Rumpuy and Barroso who fire their guns but are quickly overwhelmed.
Murdoch: I said printing was the answer to this problem!
BA: I've had just about enough of you, foo'!
Hannibal: Well, guys, we've saved Vladimir's money, and rescued the people of Cyprus from Angela Merkel. Not bad for a day's work, though I say so myself.
There is the distant sound of sirens.
Murdoch: That sounds like Colonel Dekker!
Hannibal: Our cue to split.
The hurry past a crowd of Cypriots, who are scooping up euros.
Anonymous, random Cypriot: Thank you A-Team, you have saved our country!
Vladimir Putin: And my fortune!
TITLES.
