Inappropriate wedding readings.

"David", he said to me with the air of one who has something on his mind. "Can you do me a favour?"
"Old chum", I replied. "This is your wedding, and I'm your usher. As far as I'm concerned, my ushing is at your beck and call. Simply direct, and I shall ush. Tell me who is it needs ushing because" - and I cracked my knuckles - "when I'm done ushing they won't know what's ushed them."
"It's not that. You see, Marc is supposed to be doing a reading during the ceremony and he's not shown up."
I stared, amazed. "Surely not."
We shared a moment, silently contemplating the unliklihood of Marc not showing up for something. He went on. "And we were wondering if you would..."
"Get up in front of a crowd of mostly strangers and give a reading for which I'm utterly unprepared?"
"Erm..yes."
"You betcha I will. Lead me to 'em. I'll knock 'em dead, don't you worry. Me and public speaking? Like that"> I showed him a pair of crossed fingers. "What would you like me to read? The lyrics to Bad Touch*"
"Ah. No. You see..."
"Okay, understood. The Ballad of Chasey Lain?** Because I've heard those stories, you know. Is it true that you..."
"We've already chosen something and we really, really don't need your input on this one", and he handed me a sheet of paper. It was a poem, perhaps fifty lines long comparing being in love to owning a dog. Funny, romantic, cute and just a bit suggestive. Naturally I fixated on the suggestive bits.
"I'm thinking a voice like Barry White might work."
"No."
"Okay. Apparently devalmont can beatbox. How about he does that and I rap it?
"No."
"Just a straight reading?"
"Just a straight reading".
"God, this wedding is all about you isn't it?"

Anyway, I got through it. I was fantastic, as you'd expect. Learning from the master of the suggestive, Benny Hill, at the slightly rude bits I gave a slight pause and a meaningful eye roll which got a laugh from the audience and it all went well, the wedding went off without a hitch, I don't think I ruined anything much, and at no point did the bride hop from her chair and punch me in the face.

I've been to three weddings in the last three weeks so I've seen the variety that people choose for their happy day; flywingedmonkey got someone to read The owl and the pussycat during his ceremony, and the reader earned my respect by getting almost halfway through before cracking***. On the other hand, the other wedding chose a short speech about how being a socialist means you want to make the world a better place, during which the she-David just kept kicking me under the table for some reason.

But this got me thinking, and my question for the day is this - what innappropriate or suggestive text would you want read to your relatives were you to wed? I'd give serious consideration to Ezekiel 13:18 (Thus saith the Lord GOD; Woe to the women that sew pillows to all armholes, and make kerchiefs upon the head of every stature to hunt souls!) for being my favourite completely bats verse in the Bible. I kind assume that God was just in a really bad mood the day he abhorred pillows and hankies, or maybe he was just had abhorring momentum and didn't know when to stop.
And then there's Ezekiel 23:20 (Ezekiel is a rich vein. As it were) There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses, which might be a bit in your face (as it were) and give the game away. I reckon you could get away with the Song of Songs 4: 5,6: "Your breasts are like two fawns, like twin fawns of a gazelle that browse among the lilies. Until the day breaks and the shadows flee, I will go to the mountain of myrrh and to the hill of incense.".

But what do you think?


*Not work safe.
**Even less so.
***From context I'm assuming that James was intended to be the owl, which would make him the wise one. Now, not wishing to be rude but if you were to say to me "James and Anna. Which is the wise one", James wouldn't be top of my list. Frankly, he wouldn't be in the top two.