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Personal information.
Nov. 29th, 2013 11:37 amBack when my dad was in the army, he took part in an officer selection process to try and get commissioned. One of the psychological tests they gave him was he had to write two essays about himself; one written by his worst enemy, and one written by his best friend - the idea presumably being to get an insight into whether the candidate was capable to identifying their strengths and weaknesses.
I was always mildly disappointed that he didn't write the worst enemy essay as it if were written by someone with serious educational difficulties and that his best friend essay didn't begin: "Lo, for this is my good and loyal servant, who doth pleaseth me well..."
Anyway, as part of the writing project I've been asked to submit an author's bio. Now, you might think that after a decade or more of shameless self-aggrandisement on here that wouldn't present much of a problem, but you'd be wrong. Instead of simply tossing something off and sending it I've found myself sitting cluelessly at the keyboard, fingers poised for ideas which never come, my mouth swaying open loosely like one of those 16% that Boris was talking about the other day.
Writing a personal biography is easy. Writing a good one is hard. People who've got it right, like Terry Pratchett and Douglas Adams, succeed because they're intelligent, witty, interesting and self-deprecating. Unfortunately I'm none of those things, which does't help. On the other hand people who get it wrong, like Tom Holt or Mark Gatiss, fail because they try ever so hard to be self-deprecating and wacky but you can perceive the boiling mass of desperation to look cool and really clever bubbling just below the surface. For example, Tom Holt's authorial bio reads something like this:
Tom was born at an early age and at the age of seven was horrified to be identified as a child prodigy when he won the Nobel prize for cleverness three years in a row, which he keeps prominently on his mantlepiece but never mentions because he doesn't want people to think he's showing off. No matter how he tried to avoid it, success dogged his every move - which was probably just luck! - including scholarships to St Clevererthanyou's academy for the gifted, several patents for things which were described as "so clever other people wouldn't understand them" - and nor did Tom! - and writing his first six published books before he could talk.
And so on.
From trying to write something, it's clear that it's nigh impossible to put a bio together which doesn't make you sound like a complete wanker and an additional problem is that asking someone else to write it is probably worse. For example, if I asked my brother:
David is a fat puff. 'nuff said
I'm not sure I'd want that printed, but asking my mum:
I remember David when he was a little boy. He did ever so like playing in his paddling pool naked but for a cowboy hat and a spacehopper
might be worse as she might learn that I still do, which would be difficult to explain over Christmas dinner.
I suppose I could go strictly factual:
Date of Birth:
Height:
Weight:
Likes:
Dislikes:
but that's actually quite boring.
So how do you do it? How do you write a bio which doesn't make you look like a twat? Or do you just accept that anything you write will have that effect and get on with your life?
I was always mildly disappointed that he didn't write the worst enemy essay as it if were written by someone with serious educational difficulties and that his best friend essay didn't begin: "Lo, for this is my good and loyal servant, who doth pleaseth me well..."
Anyway, as part of the writing project I've been asked to submit an author's bio. Now, you might think that after a decade or more of shameless self-aggrandisement on here that wouldn't present much of a problem, but you'd be wrong. Instead of simply tossing something off and sending it I've found myself sitting cluelessly at the keyboard, fingers poised for ideas which never come, my mouth swaying open loosely like one of those 16% that Boris was talking about the other day.
Writing a personal biography is easy. Writing a good one is hard. People who've got it right, like Terry Pratchett and Douglas Adams, succeed because they're intelligent, witty, interesting and self-deprecating. Unfortunately I'm none of those things, which does't help. On the other hand people who get it wrong, like Tom Holt or Mark Gatiss, fail because they try ever so hard to be self-deprecating and wacky but you can perceive the boiling mass of desperation to look cool and really clever bubbling just below the surface. For example, Tom Holt's authorial bio reads something like this:
Tom was born at an early age and at the age of seven was horrified to be identified as a child prodigy when he won the Nobel prize for cleverness three years in a row, which he keeps prominently on his mantlepiece but never mentions because he doesn't want people to think he's showing off. No matter how he tried to avoid it, success dogged his every move - which was probably just luck! - including scholarships to St Clevererthanyou's academy for the gifted, several patents for things which were described as "so clever other people wouldn't understand them" - and nor did Tom! - and writing his first six published books before he could talk.
And so on.
From trying to write something, it's clear that it's nigh impossible to put a bio together which doesn't make you sound like a complete wanker and an additional problem is that asking someone else to write it is probably worse. For example, if I asked my brother:
David is a fat puff. 'nuff said
I'm not sure I'd want that printed, but asking my mum:
I remember David when he was a little boy. He did ever so like playing in his paddling pool naked but for a cowboy hat and a spacehopper
might be worse as she might learn that I still do, which would be difficult to explain over Christmas dinner.
I suppose I could go strictly factual:
Date of Birth:
Height:
Weight:
Likes:
Dislikes:
but that's actually quite boring.
So how do you do it? How do you write a bio which doesn't make you look like a twat? Or do you just accept that anything you write will have that effect and get on with your life?
