The election manifestos in full.

You might not have noticed, but there's an election coming up. As everyone knows, election time is a tremendous time to be on social media - everyone is really friendly and reasonable and puts forth well-argued and polite points of view to support their case. But it's not what polite and reasonable complete strangers on the internet say which will decide things - it's what the political parties will say.

So, using the miracle of time travel, I've popped into the future and looked at what the various election manifestos will say and can now share a precis of the content with you.

Conservative: We've been a tremendously good government, and would have been even better were it not for the bunch of buffoons we were forced into coalition with.

Liberal Democrats: We've been a tremendously good government, and would have been even better were it not for the bunch of buffoons we were forced into coalition with.

Labour: There has never been a Labour government in the past, and so we cannot have ever done anything wrong. No, you're wrong, there hasn't. Don't ask any difficult questions. Er...Tories?

UKIP: We support nationalisation, protectionism, high unemployment benefits, loose monetary policy, a sovereign wealth fund and not liking puffs. God knows how, but we've somehow become the 1970s Trades Union movement.

Green The introduction of our policies would immediately result in a huge recession and a spike in aggressive nationalism. We'd not only deny responsibility for this, but wouldn't even understand it.

SNP: We'd like you to vote for the thing you just voted against. Please don't look at the oil price.

So where will you place your cross?