Dear Diedrovka

[davywavy]

One of the interesting side effects of the sudden rise of rampant capitalism in the former Soviet Union has been the appearence of Western-style tabloid newspapers. Back in the old days, the brainwashed Socialists had nothing to read except party-owned staples like Pravda ("Truth", and never was a newpaper less honestly named) and Trud, the official paper of the Soviet trade union movement. These days, however, there are rather more options, and many of them adopt a more populist, western attitude to reporting. As the editor of the Moscow times recently pointed out when the similarities between his newspaper and The Sun were noted, "The British and the Russians are quite similar - they both like reading about football and looking at girls breasts."

Thanks to this growth in quality, western style journalism in the russias, we are today lucky enough to have Dierdrokva, Russia's answer to The Sun's Dear Diedre agony column.

So post your problems to me here, my worry-molested chums, and Babushka Diedrovka will answer your woes, giving simple, helpful and above all Russian advice.

Comments

[robinbloke.livejournal.com]

Dear Babushka,
I despair of my local taverns, they know nothing of good russian vodka and serve only the antifreeze that is Smirnoff. What can I do?
undrunkenly,
Robinski

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

Undrunken! Oh, by the Saints! No Russian man is even sober, it is a sin! A sin, I tell you!
But what is this complaint of yours? Refusing to drink anti-freeze? Antifreeze is good enough for Boris Yeltsin and it is good enough for you! What is this? You think you are from the Ukraine? Drink your antifreeze and give thanks to the Saints for their bounty.

Babushka.

[daegaer.livejournal.com]

Former Comrade Babushka!

Is it once more allowable to fling serfs Glorious Revolutionary Workers tourists from the back of the sleigh to distract the wolves as one's loyal retainer whips the frenzied horses to ever greater effort?

yours,
Jingelska Bellsovna

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

I think a better question would be: "Is it acceptable not to?"

Babushka

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

You should definitely see the capitalist. They often have watches, cigarettes, American Dollars and other small, easily pilfered items about their person.
If you can get me some new Blue Jeans (Levi's), that would be good.

Babushka.

[raggedhalo.livejournal.com]

Dear Diedrovka,

Until recently, I had been a guard at a gulag near my house. However, guards have now been "outsourced," and I have lost my job. I am looking for a career change, and so do not want to become a bandit like the rest of my former fellows. What sort of work could I do?

Yours,
Uri.

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

Dear Uri

You may have noticed that the Gulags are currently being bought and redeveloped as Holiday Camps by Bilski Butlinov. Similar camps are famous throughout decadent, capitalist West as being the height of sophistication and film stars like Eva Gardner and George Clooney often stay in them. Perhaps you could get a job as a 'vomitcoat' (so named after the long Siberian nights drinking vodka!) as many rich and famous shall soon be visiting you!

Babushka

[vulgarcriminal.livejournal.com]

Comrade,

I hate the English yet am stuck here due to my love of a dirty Imperialist.

How shall I cope?

Yours,
Ulska Petrovich

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

Ulska

You must be honest with yourself. Is it your man who you love, or the thrilling life you live of fast cars, money and nightlife in decadent Wigan? Many an innocent girl from the steppes has had her head turned by promises of the bright lights of Slough or Macclesfield, but in the end they find themselves returning to Mother Russia and the beetroot farm for an honest, hard working life with a solid and dependable Russian man who will beat her every day whether she needs it or not.

Babushka

[christ1974.livejournal.com]

Dear Diedrovka

I have been told that Wales is a lot like mother Russia. Is this true?

Dai Joneseski

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

Dai

I hear that there is a verse in the English national anthem which goes:

The welshman's a theif, he steals when he can
He's short and he's swarthy, more monkey than man
He lives in a hole with a lamp on his hat
And sings far too loudly, too often and flat

So in some ways there are similarities, not least in that our brightest and best move to England as soon as they possibly can.

Babushka

[christ1974.livejournal.com]

P.s.

Is that why Charlotte Church has?

Dai

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

No, she was trafficked by Albanians.

Babushka

[vierkilau.livejournal.com]

I am going to kill you, slowly and painfully

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

Oh no!The traditional Russian method!

[ditzy-pole.livejournal.com]

Дорогое Бабушка,

Как могу я убейте пакостные разыгрыша людей вокруг меня без получать уловлено?

Каролинa

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

Dear Karolina

I suggest you plan very carefully and remember that you must not be seen to benefit from the act, in order to avert suspicion.

Possibly you could tell Vladimir Putin they are Chechnyan. That often works.

Babushka.

[vierkilau.livejournal.com]

Oh wise Babushka what should I do. My best friend is an American

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

Defect, you fool! Or marry them to get a green card!

Oh, you lucky man.

Babushka

Dear Diedrovka

[jonnyargles.livejournal.com]

As a free market capitalist, I have embraced the Western traditions of embezzelment and tax fraud. However, most esteemed government has taken my company from me to cover financial mismanagement and placed me in jail. I am becoming disillusioned with whole perestroika.

Mikhail Khodorkovsky

P.S. I believe my wife is having an affair - see attached photo story

"Son, go to the pig fighting competitions, and take your father. I have someone - er, something I want to do."


"Phew; this cleaning troughs is hard work, and is making my potatoes sweat - I think I shall remove some clothing."


"Beans and gravy, that is one hot baboushka. I shall cuckold her husband."

Re: Dear Diedrovka

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

It is most likely your wife is having an affair with a corrupt government official who has had you put in jail to gain access to her. Did you remember to pay your bribes to the ministry this year? Remember that the rouble is not worth what it once was!

babushka

[sesquipedality.livejournal.com]

Dear Babuska,

As I look back upon my endlessly dreary life, I find myself dwelling on the past wrongs I have commited, and I find that the feelings of guilt for the tragic events that resulted in entire village of Borisgrad throwing themselves under the 8:12 to Moscow, and the bitter bitter chill they experienced waiting for it to arrive (it was 4 hours late, of course) weigh heavy upon my mind. It seems to me that my life is a meaningless and weary trek from endless similar day to endless similar not unlike being imprisoned in a Stalinist gulag, the ice freezing to my copious facial hair.

Do you have any porn?

Yours

Fyodor Dennisovitch Tolstoy

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

Porn! Never! The Tryptych of St Ablovitch the martyr is enough to slake the spiritual needs of any right-thinking Russian.
And why do you complain of an 'endlessly dreary' life? By the sounds of it you have had it easy compared to many and now you come here to boast of your comfortable, pampered existence. I could tell you tale of life in my village which would make your ears bleed with horror! Pull yourself togther and stop complaining.

Babushka.

[colin-boyle.livejournal.com]

Dear Diedrovka

I have recently found many of my fellow ex-Soviet states prefer democracy and/or cosying up to the USA rather than having Russia as their "neighbour, friend and leader". Threatening them doesn't seem to work, and I can't afford to invade any more of them - at least not until I finish sorting out Chechenya anyway. What should I do?

V. Putin

[mrmmarc.livejournal.com]

Little Mother Babushka,

As the long winter nights drawn in and all sons of Mother Russia find their thoughts turn to home, family and vodka, I have been troubled of late.
Anya Delmitavitch is a fine woman, with ample bosums and a good body of hair on her top lip. But she is being woo'ed by Dimitri Alexovitch, who has a large prize pig to offer her father.
I cannot compete with such a prize!
A Westerner I know has offered me a Hershey bar and a fake Thai Rolex if I will give him my bottom for his pleasure. I am wondering if the rolex is still worth more than the pig?
Help me Little Mother, for Anya has good child bearing hips and has already developed a facial mole the size of Georgia! Such a prize I must have.

Mishka Philapotos
(you remember- Little Mishka- you once beat my father into a coma with an ocalot for being lewd and profane before the icon of St. Boris the Diminutive)

PS- When is the best time to start hunting Jews? It must be soon to the opening of the season?

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

Ah, Vladimir. When I was just a stocky young thing, my blessed husband, now in his grave, and I had many, many fractious children. There were so many that we could not possibly beat them all when they were naughty and so we would simply pick one at random and beat them and beat them every so often as a warning to the others.
My children grew up tall and strong and gave me many, many fine grandchildren but they always knew to fear their kindly old grandmother!
I hope this helps.

Babushka

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

Mishka

A Rolex? For an unnatural act? What awful nonsense is this! See how you are weakened by desire for capitalist decadence! You should not succumb to this capitalist because that will only make you weaker. Instead, you should simply take your gun and shoot Dmitri's pig. Then he shall have nothing to offer her father and your love shall be yours. She sounds a true beauty!

This advice also applies to any jews you might happen to meet.

Babushka.