W.W.T.A.T.D?

[davywavy]

In How to win friends and influence people, Carnegie suggests that before we take any action which might backfire we ask the question: "What would Abraham Lincoln do?", Lincon being, in his eyes, the epitome of diplomacy and politeness. Asking what others would do in a given situation is a good way of looking at things from another perspective and opening up other avenues of behaviour.

It's pretty much a given that two heads are better than one, but what is the optimum number of heads before too many cooks spoil the broth? I'd say that history tell us the answer: four, because that's the number of members of the A-team, possibly history's greatest problem-solving group.

We're lucky enough today to have the members of the A-Team taking a break from their hectic lives as soldiers of fortune to give you the benefit of their advice. So - do you have a problem? Can nobody else help? Send your questions and problems in answers and the gang can solve your woes.

Comments

[robinbloke.livejournal.com]

Dear A-Team,

my lawn just keeps growing, I cut the <deleted> time and time again but it keeps fighting back and growing and growing mow more. No-one else can help me, gardeners are trying to extort me into regular monthly contracts and drug dealers are hiding in my hedge, what can I do?

X

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

You have a lawnmower and you're asking that question? Wow, buddy, you do need help.
Do you have some fertilizer and and hundredwieght of potatos as well?

[robinbloke.livejournal.com]

I do; I even have a garage full of powertools as well.

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

Okay, here's what we're going to do. We're going to train an entire army of bugs. Big, googly-eyed bugs with big deely-bobs and feelers. They're gonna swarm out of your outhouse all over those drug dealers and make them fall over. If they blacken their faces and push their ties aside, so much the better. Then the bugs will all die and poison your grass so you never have to cut it again. Hey?

[robinbloke.livejournal.com]

You sir, are a genius of unmeasureable proportions!
Not to mention also my hero.

Bugs for everyone!

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

He's a crazy foo'! There ain't no bugs 'cept in his head!

[vulgarcriminal.livejournal.com]

Dear A-Team,

The temp in my office WON'T STOP WHISTLING and old men keep trying to feel me up. WHAT SHOULD I DO?

Love,
Tiffany

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

Now why don't you just sit yourself down and let the Faceman handle all of this?

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

What you should do is ask your invisble friend what you should do. A lot. All the time. All day.

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

He's a crazy foo'! Don't listen to him! Just throw that sukka over her desk! And break those old-man arms. With brittle bones they should snap like twigs!

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

Nothing could be simpler! Get one of your friends to dress up as a doctor and come round to give you your 'medication'. When it is administered, pretend to go into a seizure, and some other friends - dressed as orderlies - can wheel you out on a gurney. Nobody will suspect a thing.

[tooth-fairy.livejournal.com]

I don't have enough hours today to do everything I need to do. Can the A-team slot a couple of extra hours in for me, say at round about 7pm?

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

You see, miss, when you're with me every hour seems but a moment, but every moment lasts an hour. I can fit you in between seven and eight if you like?

[tooth-fairy.livejournal.com]

but Face, how will I be able to concentrate on what I am meant to do if I am in your glorious presence?

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

Now, you gorgeous woman, there's only one thing you're meant to do when you're with me.

[tooth-fairy.livejournal.com]

oh Face

*swoons*

[vulgarcriminal.livejournal.com]

LOL

[belak-krin.livejournal.com]

Dear A Team

I'm growing tired of this 9-5 office life and am considering a career change. What's the best way to become a soldier of fortune?

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

Well, you can start out by joining the US military, who are famed worldwide for their competance, professionalism and aim. Then, once you've been trained to the peak of military skills, get yoruself unjustly accused of robbing the Bank of Saigon, escape to the underground of any major conurbation and respond to advertisements like this one.

[madwitch.livejournal.com]

Dear A Team

My next door neighbour has a worrying tendency to wander up and down the corridor in his underwear, complaining about there being too much noise at 7pm. Sometimes he knocks on our door and we are subjected to the horrifying sight of his short, pudgy self clad only in badly fitting boxers.

Help us.

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

See now, what you need to do is get yourself a fire extinguisher and crank up the power a bit - maybe eight or ten times. Then spray that sukka through your letterbox all over his pasty fat frame. He'll scream, wave his hands about, and then tumble down a flight of stairs and out the door.

[daegaer.livejournal.com]

Dear A Team

A major deadline is looming at work, and I'm receiving requests for extensions (on top of already granted ones) that would go past the deadline. This is impossible. How should I deal with the grief and trauma, not to mention the villanous and corrupt bankers trying to foreclose on my bit of the office that will follow my saying no?

Miss Totally Reasonable

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

Necessity is the mother of invention. Get your students to use our strategies: Lock them in a shed with some pens, paper, books and so on and ensure that the only way out of the shed is by completing their projects on time. You'll be amazed at their ingenuity.

Dear A-Team

[calligrafiti.livejournal.com]

I'm overseeing a major (long overdue) website redesign at work, and I'm caught between the graphic designers and the software coders. Each group has far too many fools for pity to be properly distributed. Neither one wants to listen to the other. I've managed to keep automatic weapons out of it so far (the coders would have far too great an advantage), but that's hardly likely to last. Suggestions? Comments? Criticisms? Animadversions?

Re: Dear A-Team

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

Okay, here's the plan.
First up, start up your own IT network. Design your own website and set it up in direct competition to the one that everyone else is working on. When yours works out so much better than theirs, they'll complain and try and shut you down. When they do that, blow up all their computers with the wired granades you planted earlier. They'll stagger away with blackened faces and ties askew and your website design will be the one which the company goes for.

Re: Dear A-Team

[calligrafiti.livejournal.com]

Thanks! That's clearly far too brilliant a plan to fail twice.

Re: Dear A-Team

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

Perhaps you'd care to thank us over...dinner?

Re: Dear A-Team

[calligrafiti.livejournal.com]

You betcha! Just get Murdock to fly you over to Carrboro, NC, and look me up.

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

Maybe we can work something out. I hate this crazy foo' I got to work with, but Hannibal always stops me when I try an' kill that sukka.
I'll 'deal with' your problems if you 'deal with' mine.

Oh, gotta run. If Hannibal asks, we ain't been talkin'.

Dear Sirs,

[godzuki.livejournal.com]

My village (milton keynes) is very poor, but is under the thrall of a local mexican bandit, we have no money to pay you, but have a seemingly endless supply of grubby faced starving children to give you for whatever purpose you may see fit.

Can you please come and drive anyone suitably swarthy looking out of town allowing us to send our children to the univeristy of the americas, to learn to kill communists.

Re: Dear Sirs,

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

This village of yours - does it have any other resources? A rich source of nitrates, perhaps? Fields full of cabbages? Even a giant spring factory and some abandoned agricultural machinery could be useful. Think, man, think!

Re: Dear Sirs,

[godzuki.livejournal.com]

Other than grubby orphan children, we also have generous supplies of 80s hair clad senoritas up for romantic sub plots, are storage for the European Mook mountain, after the slump in the mook export market due to fierce competition from asian ninja manufacture.

Our abandoned firework factory, enormous conveyor belt manufacturing plant, and abandoned mecha-hitler are at your disposal.

Re: Dear Sirs,

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

I see that you have some concrete cows.
Here's what we're going to do. BA will inspire the kids to haul the cows to the top of one of your tower blocks. When the banditos ride into town, we'll down the cows behind them, blocking their escape. Then Murdoch will fly over them in a jury-rigged hang-glider shooting at them whilst Face lays down covering fire.
When the shooting stops, they'll have changed their ways.

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

You should awaken some criminals - four should be about right - from a maximum security cryo-stockade where they are unjustly imprisoned for crimes they didn't commit. Once out, they can solve all your social problems.
Oh, and if you could remove BA's fear of flying whilst under hypno-therapy, that'd be great.
Whatever you do, don't wake up any lone wolf psycho-killers.

[davedevil.livejournal.com]

I was wondering if you could come change my flat tire?

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

Sure I can, youngster.

Say - you wouldn't be on the lookout for that gang of outlaws who just skipped town, would you?

W.W.A.L.D?

[applez.livejournal.com]

Maintain a guise of civil discourse while unleashing alchoholic and depressive warlords on his enemies?