The very model of a modern Parliamentarian

[davywavy]

I'd apologise to Gilbert & Sullivan, but in all honesty I don't think they'd mind.

I am the very model of a modern Parliamentarian
I never hold opinions either pers’nal nor contrarian,
I toe the line of party, and I vote the way they tell me to
From ID cards to going to war, I know what I’m supposed to do;
I'm very well acquainted, too, with shopping from the public purse,
I understand the new Green Book, for signed expenses reimburse,
About essential living costs I'm teeming with a lot o' news,
But on truth and liberty I’m afraid I’ve not got any views.
I'm very good at working out the maximum expense allowed;
You needn’t think I am at all by pu’b’lic opinion cowed
I’ll even watch and claim the fees for porn that is Hungarian,
I am the very model of a modern Pariamentarian.
I claimed for broken toilet seats and then some ladies underwear;
My flat holds as much furniture as the new James Bond villain lair,
I wangled a big discount and then claimed it all for council tax,
I wrote the rules and I made sure they are so very, very lax.
I can tell undoubted porkie-pies from half past nine ‘til ten to two,
And then break off for lunch and drinks so very kindly bought by you
I’ll fly away to find the facts in Grand Cayman or Timbuctu
How dare you think to question whether I am worth the work I do!
I’ll get my rosebush manicured and maybe add a garden gnome
And charge a new wet room for my agreeable new second home
But still I keep commitment to ideals egalitarian,
I am the very model of a modern parliamentarian.
I went to Brasenose College and I took a first in PPE
I’m surely overqualified to have to buy a lavatory
From NUS to TUC and then to my constituency
I’ve worked so hard to say these words: I never carry cash with me!
It simply isn’t fair to say that all MPs are hypocrites,
You’ve never been elected and so you don’t get the politics;
When it comes to treating with contempt the voter proletarian,
I am the very model of a modern Parliamentarian!

Comments

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

Delighted to have you on board - I'm always happy to be pimped.

[(Anonymous)]

Very good, now sell some adverts.

[(Anonymous)]

You two would make an excellent Double Act you know.

D

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

Little and Large? I leave it up to you to decide whether that describes intellect or girth.

[morgan303.livejournal.com]

Oh god, thank you for that. You're one of the main reasons it's nice to be back on LJ.:)

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

Of course you may.

I actually sent this one to your employers, but they said they didn't want it, alas. (Which from experience probably means it'll be on Radio 4 by the end of the week under someone elses name...)

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

There's the Elliott Morley song as well:

He came from Scunthorpe he had a thirst for money,
He studied education at Hull City College,
That's where we,
Caught his eye.
He thought the taxpayer was loaded,
He thought we’d pay his mortgage and free loaded
He thought it was fine
And in thirty seconds time, he said,

"I want to live like Commons people,
I want to do whatever Commons people do,
I want to expense like Commons people,
I want to sponge like Commons people,
off you."

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

Yes, that's lovely. I'm deleting this as it fails the 'family friendly' test for postings round here young man.

[(Anonymous)]

You jus' playa hatin'

[ddraiggwyrdd.livejournal.com]

I've been wondering if there is a minimum number of votes cast to make an election legitimate.
The main problem with MPs is they think there is no alternative and even if the entire electorate is bored to the back teeth and can't possibley spare half an hour to put a cross on a bit of paper, there are enough paid supporters to get a result.
But what if, as a protest, no one voted? If we started a campaign to boycott all elections until the mess was cleared up, how few votes would it take to keep them in there? There has to be a minimum for each candidate to reach or they lose their deposit, don't they?