'scuse me, mate.
Oct. 19th, 2010 09:25 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
davywavy"'Scuse me, mate", he said to me,hopefully.
I'd been sitting by the river vaguely contemplating the world and thinking that from some points of view London can be an attractive enough place in the reddish light of a late afternoon in Autumn, when up he wandered and came out with it.
Anyone who has lived in the city for any length of time will know that nobody, under any circumstances, ever says "'Scuse me mate" unless they're about to ask you for money. It's the ritualised opening to the conversation, or possibly it's a short prayer to the mendicant gods that the next person will be sucker enough to cough up. Whatever the reason it's become the standard opening to the conversation, and what it comes down to is that you're about to be asked to fork over free money in return for nothing.
I've long held a vague conviction that the chancellor of the exchequer should be obligated to preface any budgetary rise in taxation with the words "'Scuse me mate", so you'd have "'Scuse me mate, but have you got an extra 2.5% Vat to pay our EU contributions?" or "'Scuse me mate, could you spare an extra 10% CGT for a new pair of aircraft carriers?". It'd be more honest.
But I digress.
Sometimes "'Scuse me mate" will be followed up with "Can you do me a favour?" to which my usual reply is "So long as it doesn't involve giving you money, yes", which never goes down particularly well. Or maybe you'll be asked "Can you lend me some money?", but asking what repayment terms they're offering never gets you very far either.
What I've always been vaguely interested in a socio-anthropological sort of way are the lines which are used to encourage you to part with your money. The usual ones are 'help with bus fare' or 'get into a hostel for the night' (see here), but I've heard some pretty entertaining ones. I was once asked for some money to help buy a new pair of cider, er, shoes (I gave him something), and there used to be a guy who sat at the bottom of the long stairs up to Oxford Road station in Manchester who told jokes ("I'm saving up to buy an escalator") and I'd give him some money every time he thought of a new one. The most recent trend is obviously a development from the war in Afghanistan, as beggars in London new seem - fairly often - to be asking for money to 'help an old soldier', which is about as good a reason as I can think of to hand over my hard-earned. The first time someone used this line on me I ended up having a good chat with him and bought him a pint and something to eat as he turned out to be a nice and apparently genuine bloke. The others...?
Anyway.
"'Scuse me, mate", he said to me, hopefully. "I was wondering if you could spare some change for an ex-soldier?"
"Of course I can", I said. He grinned at me. "What was your regiment and where were you based, soldier?"
His expression changed. "Well, **** you", he said. "I don't need this hassle".
And that's living in London for you.
I'd been sitting by the river vaguely contemplating the world and thinking that from some points of view London can be an attractive enough place in the reddish light of a late afternoon in Autumn, when up he wandered and came out with it.
Anyone who has lived in the city for any length of time will know that nobody, under any circumstances, ever says "'Scuse me mate" unless they're about to ask you for money. It's the ritualised opening to the conversation, or possibly it's a short prayer to the mendicant gods that the next person will be sucker enough to cough up. Whatever the reason it's become the standard opening to the conversation, and what it comes down to is that you're about to be asked to fork over free money in return for nothing.
I've long held a vague conviction that the chancellor of the exchequer should be obligated to preface any budgetary rise in taxation with the words "'Scuse me mate", so you'd have "'Scuse me mate, but have you got an extra 2.5% Vat to pay our EU contributions?" or "'Scuse me mate, could you spare an extra 10% CGT for a new pair of aircraft carriers?". It'd be more honest.
But I digress.
Sometimes "'Scuse me mate" will be followed up with "Can you do me a favour?" to which my usual reply is "So long as it doesn't involve giving you money, yes", which never goes down particularly well. Or maybe you'll be asked "Can you lend me some money?", but asking what repayment terms they're offering never gets you very far either.
What I've always been vaguely interested in a socio-anthropological sort of way are the lines which are used to encourage you to part with your money. The usual ones are 'help with bus fare' or 'get into a hostel for the night' (see here), but I've heard some pretty entertaining ones. I was once asked for some money to help buy a new pair of cider, er, shoes (I gave him something), and there used to be a guy who sat at the bottom of the long stairs up to Oxford Road station in Manchester who told jokes ("I'm saving up to buy an escalator") and I'd give him some money every time he thought of a new one. The most recent trend is obviously a development from the war in Afghanistan, as beggars in London new seem - fairly often - to be asking for money to 'help an old soldier', which is about as good a reason as I can think of to hand over my hard-earned. The first time someone used this line on me I ended up having a good chat with him and bought him a pint and something to eat as he turned out to be a nice and apparently genuine bloke. The others...?
Anyway.
"'Scuse me, mate", he said to me, hopefully. "I was wondering if you could spare some change for an ex-soldier?"
"Of course I can", I said. He grinned at me. "What was your regiment and where were you based, soldier?"
His expression changed. "Well, **** you", he said. "I don't need this hassle".
And that's living in London for you.
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no subject
Date: 2010-10-19 11:54 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-10-19 12:09 pm (UTC)My sister has a story about a woman with a small child asking her for money so she could buy the kid some food, so my sister offered the packed lunch which she'd made for work. The reply? "He won't like that, he only likes chips."
no subject
Date: 2010-10-19 02:13 pm (UTC)The most genial judge on Earth was on the Bench & asked (in all seriousness as far as I could see) what the loon's serial number was. That too was a secret only to be disclosed to officers of HM Forces.
"Oh that's alright then" said the judge; "my serial number is [xxxxxx] what's yours?"
D
no subject
Date: 2010-10-19 04:16 pm (UTC)Yep
Date: 2010-10-20 02:01 am (UTC)How all that connected together one day after the event was well past me. So I told him where the nearest Veterans Affairs office was.
He stared blankly.
*EDIT: Which I think would qualify as a breach of Uniform Military Code, going back to the 3rd Amendment.
no subject
Date: 2010-10-21 01:47 am (UTC)The conversation went along for a few minutes, seeming fairly innoucous, and then suddenly he went "Thing is, I've fallen on hard times. My wife was having an affair with another man, and I just snapped and killed her. I've only just got out of prison, and I'm completely broke. You couldn't lend me some cash could you. I'd pay you back".
Leaving aside, the fact that he'd chosen murder as his backstory for a moment, it was at this point, all the alarm bells started ringing, and I quickly went back over our conversation in my head. I realised that everything specific he'd said, he'd got from me earlier in the conversation (heck, it was early and I was still half-asleep). One thing I hadn't mentioned was the name of any of the teams I'd worked in, in our alleged shared workplace, so I asked him 'Just remind me, what team were you in?'. He started to try to bluff it, with replies 'oh come on, you remember', but I think realising the game was up, had a stab at "the B team?". Seriously, that was the best he could do.... the B team. At which point, I said 'Nice try mate' and went on my way.
However, it still amazes me the effort he went to to try to get me to part with a few quid. More than that though, if I was picking a story to try to get sympathy, I'm not sure I'd go for one that had me confessing to being a murderer, even for a crime of passion!
no subject
Date: 2010-10-21 10:43 am (UTC)I only know one other person with an IP address in that area, and I doubt it's them posting...
no subject
Date: 2010-10-21 06:08 pm (UTC)D
(nope)
no subject
Date: 2010-10-23 05:58 pm (UTC)