Prime Minister's Questions.

[davywavy]

What with Andy Coulson getting arrested and the spotlight falling on No.10's other media advisors, Dave Cameron must be in need of some new blood over there to give him decent advice on how to answer questions in order to avoid getting into hot water. Someone who can teach him to tell the absolute truth whilst avoiding actually saying anything.

So I've sent my CV.

But if I were the PM's media advisor right now, with PMQ's coming up tomorrow, what line would I be telling him to spin?

Call-me-Dave: Gods, Davy. It's PMQs tomorrow and Milliband is bucking the trend by having something - anything at all, actually - to attack me with. What do I do?
Davy: Is this the Andy Coulson/news International/ Rebekah brooks stuff?
Call-me-Dave: Yes. It's close to me, Davy. Worryingly close. I've started biting my fingernails again.
Davy: Did you know about it? The phone hacking stuff?
Call-me-Dave: Of course I did, but I can't admit that.
Davy: Who told you?
Call-me-Dave: Rebekah and Andy did, of course. Who else?
Davy: Not Steve Hilton or one of your other advisors?
Call-me-Dave: No, I got it from the horses mouth.
Davy: That's easy then. Don't deny having known about it, and don't tell anyone how or when you found out. Instead, tell everyone how shocked you were when you learned, and how disappointed you were that your closest advisors and friends didn't tell you this important information. Then move onto the enquiry and the innocent until proven guilty stuff. Easy.
Call-me-Dave: That's good, but what if Milliband keeps coming?
Davy: Don't worry too much about that. You're in luck because Gordon Brown has got involved in the debate with all the grace and decorum of an epileptic tuba. He's flailed around, made up a lot of crap and made a complete tit of himself; so all you have to do is equate Milliband's position with Brown's. Muddy the water between them and show their positions are the same.
Call-me-Dave: Gosh, yes. Brown is political poison to the Labour party and anyone he's linked to.
Davy: Quite so.
Call-me-Dave: So wheel out the old "Son of Brown" line?
Davy: Nah, that's old news; you've used it before. I'd recommend calling Brown Milliband's 'mentor'.
Call-me-Dave: Oh, good one.
Davy: So ask Milliband if he stands by his mentor in his inaccurate attacks on the Sun and the Sunday Times, for example. Either he stands by Brown and looks a tit, or he publicly disavows his position. Or - most likely - he doesn't answer the question, in which case hammer at it. That way he looks either a moron, disloyal or evasive, any of which undermines his position.
Call-me-Dave: Genius! I shall bounce into PMQs with a spring in my step.
Davy: Send the cheque to the usual place.

Comments

[raggedyman.livejournal.com]

Sorry to disappoint but (afaik) there is no PMQ tomorrow due to it being an exceptional session. Also (at least last time I checked) the speaker still hasn't okayed the session so it may not go ahead anyway (well, chances are small but still technically possible)

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

I didn't think there was, but I needed to a hook to frame the post with. I make up half the stuff on here, as well you know.

[raggedyman.livejournal.com]

you sadden me :-(

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

Ten years it's taken me to wrest that from you. Ten Years!

[ddraiggwyrdd.livejournal.com]

look at wednesday - theres a special scheduled just for the PM to squirm out of everything. Unless Rebekah has warned him that if there is any chance of her facing a prison sentence the photos of him, her and the plate of Mr Kipling French Fancies goes to the Guardian.

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

Remember back in '98 when Bernie Ecclestone paid Blair a million quid to get the law changed in his favour. Compared to that, this is nothing. Cameron isn't going anywhere.

[vampyrefate.livejournal.com]

Compared to that it might be nothing.
Blair in 98 was Mr Popularity. No one cared a hoot about Bernie.

Roll on to now, and we've had Iraq Wars, MPs Expenses etc. Cameron isn't popular and Everyone Hates Murdoch* (in between paying their Sky subs to watch the premier league). No wonder everyone is calling for his head.

All said, I agree with you though. Cameron's out at the election at the earliest.

* Not at all as funny as Everyone Hates Chris.

PS. Did you watch that dispatches about the national debt? It's right up your alley.

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

Nah, I don't own a television because the TV license is avoidable tax.
However, I'm very aware of the dtate of the debt which is why I'm such as fan of fixed assets - preferably ones which generate revenue.

I know this is livejournal but..

[(Anonymous)]

... would the PM really say "Gods"?? Usually in my experience the only people who do that are Born Again pagans, who still reflexively say "God," but then hurriedly stick an S on the end in the hope that the grown-ups will think they were actually calling on a pantheon such as Belenos, Toutatis etc, in defiance of their upbringing. Would Cameron do this? I think not

H

Re: I know this is livejournal but..

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

He was originally going to say 'cripes' but I thought that was too Borissey, so I must have been in plural mode when I was typing the alternative.

Move along, no pagan conspiracy here.

Re: I know this is livejournal but..

[riksowden.livejournal.com]

I actually do say "gods", despite not having a belief in any of 'em!

Re: I know this is livejournal but..

[(Anonymous)]

Eton?

[sherbetsaucers.livejournal.com]

You just gave all that advice for free.

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

You know what I like about you? You're observant. Observant Paul, that's what I've always called you. Observe, observe, observe, that's your forte.

[sherbetsaucers.livejournal.com]

Just saying that if he can get the milk for free...

[riksowden.livejournal.com]

...then don't have a cow, man?

[(Anonymous)]

Don't know about being his advisor, but if I were one of his MPs, I'd pass him a message during PMQs saying "For God's sake just go! Resign you useless muppet. David Davis would never have got us into this mess".