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[BBC] The Musketeers.
The BBC has clearly lobbed money at The Musketeers It looks fantastic, has some great costumes (sponsored by World of Leather), locations, stunt work and fight choreography, and is clearly a post-Game of Thrones stab at the international market and DVD sales. It’s a shame, I found myself musing as I watched the episode last Sunday night, that some of the money which has been thrown at the project didn’t hit a decent scriptwriter on the way past. I don’t know if you bothered watching, but the plot largely revolved around the attitudes of 21st century Islington being plonked unconvincingly into the mouths of 17th century France and – you might not be surprised to learn – I found this really jarring.
As a result I got to thinking about plot structure, as it’s a fascination of mine, and what The Musketeers is actually doing. Obviously it only has a passing relationship with Dumas’ original and it was realising that which made the lightbulb come on over my head. It’s not The Three Musketeers at all, really. It’s just weekend evening television. It’s Robin of Sherwood.
Back in the 80’s Robin of Sherwood was where Saturday evening entertainment was at. Every week, Robin and his pals would have an adventure. There’d be a few fights, a damsel would be rescued, one of the characters would go on a personal journey, a moral lesson would be learned, and then the titles would roll. What it didn’t have was a great deal to do with the actual legends of Robin Hood beyond the names, and if you look at The Musketeers in that light suddenly it makes a great deal more sense. Mindless Saturday night period entertainment with some familiar names.
However, the problem remains the scripting. Even when you see what’s going on the stories remain weak, and the characters are really poorly defined. Only Aramis, as the lady-charming smooth-talker and Porthos as the good –natured, strong-and-short-tempered-but-not-overly-bright characters are really noticeable. Yes, d’Artagnan is the hot-headed youngster and Athos is supposed to be the level-headed planner, but it’s not like you’d notice much from the script.
It’s sad, because this sort of story about a group of four adventurers around whom the stories happen has a noble heritage and if you’re going to nick from one of the classics, you might as well make it obvious. Just think how much better The Musketeers might have been if they’d actually acknowledged the real inspiration?
In 1672 a crack Musketeer unit were sentenced to the Chateau d’If for crimes they didn’t commit. They promptly escaped to the Marseille underground where today, still wanted by the King, they survive as soldiers of fortune. And now, if you have a problem, and nobody else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire…The M-Team
TITLES
Scene: A lonely alley in the backstreets of Renaissance Marseille. An elderly Chinese man is sweeping the street. Enter CONSTANCE.
Constance (looking at a piece of paper): Oh dear, oh, dear. (She stands and waits, clearly agitated.
Chinese Man: Can I help, lady?
Constance: What? Oh, no, No thank you.
Chinese Man: You look worried. What’s on your mind?
Constance: Nothing. Oh, heck, what can it hurt. I was supposed to meet someone here,
Chinese Man: A gentleman?
Constance: Yes but not like that, you see-
Chinese Man: You’ve got some sort of problem?
Constance: Yes. You see, my father owns a livery stable in Toulon. Not much, but my family have worked for it for years. And then a few weeks ago another stable opened up right across the street. A big, flashy place with lots of brand-new horses. And then a few days later the owner and a group of thugs came over and told my dad he was working for them now, or he was out of business.
Chinese Man: And your dad objected?
Constance: Yes, and they beat him up. Ever since then I’ve been trying to run theplace myself but they just won’t let up. They’ve been stealing our tack and loosening the nails in the horseshoes. Sooner or later there’s going to be a heck of an accident.
Chinese man: What’s the name of this slimeball?
Constance: Richelieu. He runs the Cardinal Livery Company.
Chinese Man (pulling off his wig, revealing himself to be ATHOS). Well, lady, your problems are over. Because you just hired the M-Team.
Scene: D’ARTAGNAN and ARAMIS are talking. Enter ATHOS and CONSTANCE
Aramis: Well, hello! Athos, who have you brought to meet us?
Athos: Play nice, Aramis. The lady is a paying customer. The name’s Constance.
Aramis: Constance? That’s a beautiful name. And you have a problem? Well, perhaps we can discuss it over dinner? Some rough red wine and frogs legs? I’m Aramis, by the way.
Athos: And this is d’Artagnan
D’Artagnan: My lady! We shall not rest in our pursuit of justice for whatever has befall-
Aramis: Oh, not this again.
Enter PORTHOS, wearing huge amounts of gold jewellery
Athos: And this is our token black character, Mr. P.
Porthos: Is d’Artagnan making with his jibber-jabber again?
Athos: Later, Mr. P. We’ve got a job.
The team are suddenly all business.
Porthos: What’s the jazz, Hanni- Athos?
Athos: There’s this sleazeball, goes by the name of “Cardinal” Richelieu, thinks it's okay to bully other people out of business. I think he's in for a bit of surprise.
Aramis (To Constance): This is your business, miss?
Constance: Mine and my father's. It's a livery stables, up the coast in Toulon.
d'Artaganan: Up the coast?
Porthos: I ain't gettin' on no boat, Hann- Athos!
Athos: Now, Porthos, you want to help this lovely lady, don't you?
Porthos: I don't care! I ain't gettin' on no boat!
Aramis: Porthos, just drink this chartreuse and we'll talk about it.
Porthos drinks and passes out. Cut.
Scene: A second-rate livery stables in Toulon. The Musketeers are helping about the place as Constance and her elderly father look on.
Constance: You guys have been great helping us clean the place up. I don't know how to thank you.
Aramis: Well, if you want to say thank you a know this great little place in Brest where they do the best snails and garlic. Marcel, the chef has this-
Athos: Cool it, Aramis, looks like we've got company.
The Musketeers hide behind bales as RICHELIEU enters.
Richelieu: Now, what have we here?
Constance: I've told you you're not welcome here! Haven't you done enough?
Richelieu: And I've told you that you're out of business. Seems like your hearing isn't so good, doesn't it? Do you need another message?
Athos: Hey! Sleazeball! How about you pick on someone your own size!
Richelieu looks around, sees the Musketeers, and nods to himself.
Richelieu: Oh, okay, yeah. I see how this goes.
Athos: I'll tell you how this goes. You walk out of here and don't look back, pal, or you walk into a world of pain. There's no other options.
Richelieu (to Constance): Found yourself some tough guys, hey? Well, lady, don't forget - they won't be here all the time. And I'll know when they'away. You can count on that. (Turns and walks out, nodding to Athos) Be seeing you.
Aramis: I think we just made an enemy.
Athos (grinning and lighting a cigar): Why is it always bad guys end up as our enemies?
Cut.
Scene: Next day. The Musketeers are helping out at the stables when a beaten and bloodied young man staggers in and collapses.
Constance (running over): Pierre!
Porthos: What's happened? Look at this poor kid!
Pierre: I'm sorry, Constance... they took my horse...
Constance: Oh no!
d'Artagnan: Horse thieves! What knavish varletry!
Porthos: Take it easy, kid. Just tell us what happened.
Pierre: I was attacked by Richelieu's men on the Quai des Belges. They took my horse...
Constance: Pierre is our best rider. The horse was our best, too. Without them, we may as well close up shop right now.
Athos: Now hold on. We're going to get that horse back if it's the last thing we do.
Aramis: You mean...?
Athos: That's right, guys! Saddle up!
The Musketeers leap into their distinctive black-and-red barouche, whip up the horses and gallop away. As they do, enter Richelieu with a gang of goons.
Richelieu: So they've gone? Leaving the girl and her old pop alone? This is playing out just like I said.
Constance: Get out!
Richelieu: Oh, it's too late for that, lady. You should have taken my advice. (To goons) You know what to do boys!
The goons start smashing the place up before setting it alight. Cut.
Scene: Later: The Musketeers arrive back to find Constance and her father sitting outside the smoking ruins of their business.
Porthos: What happened?
Constance: It was-
Athos: Richelieu!
d'Artagnan: This is naught but the action of a base cur!
Aramis: We can't fix this, Athos
Athos (grinning) We're not going to.
Aramis: Oh, now, you aren't thinking...
Athos: I think the Musketeer livery company is going into business.
Porthos: Hot Heck! Athos has got a plan!
Aramis (Looking over the street to the Cardinal livery company) You are thinking...
Athos: C'mon guys!
The Musketeers walk over the road and into the Cardinal livery company offices, where they start taking everything. The tack, the hay, anything not nailed down. Enter Richelieu.
Richelieu: Can you not understand a clear message!
Athos: You don't get it, scuzzbucket. You're out of business, as of now. And these stables will make a great apology present to Constance and her father.
Richelieu: Like heck it will. Get them, guys!
The goons attack. A fight scene ensues. Characters are picked up and dunked in horse-troughs, one person is thrown over a mule, another has a bale dropped on him. Eventually the Musketeers lose, as the goons pull out wheel-lock pistols and level them at the team.
Richelieu: Lock them in the stable! We'll deal with them later!
The Musketeers are herded into the stables and locked in.
Aramis: This isn't good, Athos.
Athos (lighting a cigar and looking about) I don't know, Aramis. I things could be worse.
The camera pans around revealing horses and donkeys, large sacks marked "oats" and "ginger", a carriage, some drainpipes, a sack of potatoes, a pile of charcoal, etc.
Cue: Montage sequence! Shots of the Musketeers feed oats to the horses, Aramis looking pained as he lifts a donkey's tail whilst holding a bag of ginger, Porthos attaching pipes to the carriage, d'Artagnan working at a pestle and mortar, etc.
Cut.
Scene: Richelieu and his goons are talking in their offices.
Richeleiu: Now we're rid of that bunch of interfering bosybodies, I say we make sure Constance stays out of business...for good. (Goons chuckle)
Suddenly they are shocked by a frenzied braying coming from the stables. As they turn, a donkey, clearly in considerable distress, kicks the doors open from the inside. Galloping out come the Musketeers on the cart, firing potatoes out of the pipes mounted like cannon on the side. The goons are quickly overwhelmed, and Richelieu leaps onto his gig and gallops away, hotly pusued by the Musketeers. After a thrilling chase scene through teh streets of Toulon in which pistols and cannon are fired, groups of chickens scattered, nuns scared, etc, Richelieu drives his gig into a pile of boxes and flips it right over. He clambers from the wreckage with his tabard askew and face blackened just before it explodes.
d'Artagnan: Looks like he ran out of steam!
Porthos: What you talkin' about, foo'?
Athos: I told you, pal, that going up against the Musketeers wasn't a bright idea. Looks like you were a slow learner.
Richelieu: Drat you!
Aramis (arriving with Constance): Looks like you've got a business back, Constance. Now, about dinner...
The Musketeers all laugh.
Athos: J'adore quand un plan se réunit
Distantly, the galloping of horses and shouting can be heard.
Porthos: It's the King!
Athos: Time to get out of here guys!
The Musketeers dive into Porthos' barouche and crack the reins as... TITLES ROlL.
As a result I got to thinking about plot structure, as it’s a fascination of mine, and what The Musketeers is actually doing. Obviously it only has a passing relationship with Dumas’ original and it was realising that which made the lightbulb come on over my head. It’s not The Three Musketeers at all, really. It’s just weekend evening television. It’s Robin of Sherwood.
Back in the 80’s Robin of Sherwood was where Saturday evening entertainment was at. Every week, Robin and his pals would have an adventure. There’d be a few fights, a damsel would be rescued, one of the characters would go on a personal journey, a moral lesson would be learned, and then the titles would roll. What it didn’t have was a great deal to do with the actual legends of Robin Hood beyond the names, and if you look at The Musketeers in that light suddenly it makes a great deal more sense. Mindless Saturday night period entertainment with some familiar names.
However, the problem remains the scripting. Even when you see what’s going on the stories remain weak, and the characters are really poorly defined. Only Aramis, as the lady-charming smooth-talker and Porthos as the good –natured, strong-and-short-tempered-but-not-overly-bright characters are really noticeable. Yes, d’Artagnan is the hot-headed youngster and Athos is supposed to be the level-headed planner, but it’s not like you’d notice much from the script.
It’s sad, because this sort of story about a group of four adventurers around whom the stories happen has a noble heritage and if you’re going to nick from one of the classics, you might as well make it obvious. Just think how much better The Musketeers might have been if they’d actually acknowledged the real inspiration?
In 1672 a crack Musketeer unit were sentenced to the Chateau d’If for crimes they didn’t commit. They promptly escaped to the Marseille underground where today, still wanted by the King, they survive as soldiers of fortune. And now, if you have a problem, and nobody else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire…The M-Team
TITLES
Scene: A lonely alley in the backstreets of Renaissance Marseille. An elderly Chinese man is sweeping the street. Enter CONSTANCE.
Constance (looking at a piece of paper): Oh dear, oh, dear. (She stands and waits, clearly agitated.
Chinese Man: Can I help, lady?
Constance: What? Oh, no, No thank you.
Chinese Man: You look worried. What’s on your mind?
Constance: Nothing. Oh, heck, what can it hurt. I was supposed to meet someone here,
Chinese Man: A gentleman?
Constance: Yes but not like that, you see-
Chinese Man: You’ve got some sort of problem?
Constance: Yes. You see, my father owns a livery stable in Toulon. Not much, but my family have worked for it for years. And then a few weeks ago another stable opened up right across the street. A big, flashy place with lots of brand-new horses. And then a few days later the owner and a group of thugs came over and told my dad he was working for them now, or he was out of business.
Chinese Man: And your dad objected?
Constance: Yes, and they beat him up. Ever since then I’ve been trying to run theplace myself but they just won’t let up. They’ve been stealing our tack and loosening the nails in the horseshoes. Sooner or later there’s going to be a heck of an accident.
Chinese man: What’s the name of this slimeball?
Constance: Richelieu. He runs the Cardinal Livery Company.
Chinese Man (pulling off his wig, revealing himself to be ATHOS). Well, lady, your problems are over. Because you just hired the M-Team.
Scene: D’ARTAGNAN and ARAMIS are talking. Enter ATHOS and CONSTANCE
Aramis: Well, hello! Athos, who have you brought to meet us?
Athos: Play nice, Aramis. The lady is a paying customer. The name’s Constance.
Aramis: Constance? That’s a beautiful name. And you have a problem? Well, perhaps we can discuss it over dinner? Some rough red wine and frogs legs? I’m Aramis, by the way.
Athos: And this is d’Artagnan
D’Artagnan: My lady! We shall not rest in our pursuit of justice for whatever has befall-
Aramis: Oh, not this again.
Enter PORTHOS, wearing huge amounts of gold jewellery
Athos: And this is our token black character, Mr. P.
Porthos: Is d’Artagnan making with his jibber-jabber again?
Athos: Later, Mr. P. We’ve got a job.
The team are suddenly all business.
Porthos: What’s the jazz, Hanni- Athos?
Athos: There’s this sleazeball, goes by the name of “Cardinal” Richelieu, thinks it's okay to bully other people out of business. I think he's in for a bit of surprise.
Aramis (To Constance): This is your business, miss?
Constance: Mine and my father's. It's a livery stables, up the coast in Toulon.
d'Artaganan: Up the coast?
Porthos: I ain't gettin' on no boat, Hann- Athos!
Athos: Now, Porthos, you want to help this lovely lady, don't you?
Porthos: I don't care! I ain't gettin' on no boat!
Aramis: Porthos, just drink this chartreuse and we'll talk about it.
Porthos drinks and passes out. Cut.
Scene: A second-rate livery stables in Toulon. The Musketeers are helping about the place as Constance and her elderly father look on.
Constance: You guys have been great helping us clean the place up. I don't know how to thank you.
Aramis: Well, if you want to say thank you a know this great little place in Brest where they do the best snails and garlic. Marcel, the chef has this-
Athos: Cool it, Aramis, looks like we've got company.
The Musketeers hide behind bales as RICHELIEU enters.
Richelieu: Now, what have we here?
Constance: I've told you you're not welcome here! Haven't you done enough?
Richelieu: And I've told you that you're out of business. Seems like your hearing isn't so good, doesn't it? Do you need another message?
Athos: Hey! Sleazeball! How about you pick on someone your own size!
Richelieu looks around, sees the Musketeers, and nods to himself.
Richelieu: Oh, okay, yeah. I see how this goes.
Athos: I'll tell you how this goes. You walk out of here and don't look back, pal, or you walk into a world of pain. There's no other options.
Richelieu (to Constance): Found yourself some tough guys, hey? Well, lady, don't forget - they won't be here all the time. And I'll know when they'away. You can count on that. (Turns and walks out, nodding to Athos) Be seeing you.
Aramis: I think we just made an enemy.
Athos (grinning and lighting a cigar): Why is it always bad guys end up as our enemies?
Cut.
Scene: Next day. The Musketeers are helping out at the stables when a beaten and bloodied young man staggers in and collapses.
Constance (running over): Pierre!
Porthos: What's happened? Look at this poor kid!
Pierre: I'm sorry, Constance... they took my horse...
Constance: Oh no!
d'Artagnan: Horse thieves! What knavish varletry!
Porthos: Take it easy, kid. Just tell us what happened.
Pierre: I was attacked by Richelieu's men on the Quai des Belges. They took my horse...
Constance: Pierre is our best rider. The horse was our best, too. Without them, we may as well close up shop right now.
Athos: Now hold on. We're going to get that horse back if it's the last thing we do.
Aramis: You mean...?
Athos: That's right, guys! Saddle up!
The Musketeers leap into their distinctive black-and-red barouche, whip up the horses and gallop away. As they do, enter Richelieu with a gang of goons.
Richelieu: So they've gone? Leaving the girl and her old pop alone? This is playing out just like I said.
Constance: Get out!
Richelieu: Oh, it's too late for that, lady. You should have taken my advice. (To goons) You know what to do boys!
The goons start smashing the place up before setting it alight. Cut.
Scene: Later: The Musketeers arrive back to find Constance and her father sitting outside the smoking ruins of their business.
Porthos: What happened?
Constance: It was-
Athos: Richelieu!
d'Artagnan: This is naught but the action of a base cur!
Aramis: We can't fix this, Athos
Athos (grinning) We're not going to.
Aramis: Oh, now, you aren't thinking...
Athos: I think the Musketeer livery company is going into business.
Porthos: Hot Heck! Athos has got a plan!
Aramis (Looking over the street to the Cardinal livery company) You are thinking...
Athos: C'mon guys!
The Musketeers walk over the road and into the Cardinal livery company offices, where they start taking everything. The tack, the hay, anything not nailed down. Enter Richelieu.
Richelieu: Can you not understand a clear message!
Athos: You don't get it, scuzzbucket. You're out of business, as of now. And these stables will make a great apology present to Constance and her father.
Richelieu: Like heck it will. Get them, guys!
The goons attack. A fight scene ensues. Characters are picked up and dunked in horse-troughs, one person is thrown over a mule, another has a bale dropped on him. Eventually the Musketeers lose, as the goons pull out wheel-lock pistols and level them at the team.
Richelieu: Lock them in the stable! We'll deal with them later!
The Musketeers are herded into the stables and locked in.
Aramis: This isn't good, Athos.
Athos (lighting a cigar and looking about) I don't know, Aramis. I things could be worse.
The camera pans around revealing horses and donkeys, large sacks marked "oats" and "ginger", a carriage, some drainpipes, a sack of potatoes, a pile of charcoal, etc.
Cue: Montage sequence! Shots of the Musketeers feed oats to the horses, Aramis looking pained as he lifts a donkey's tail whilst holding a bag of ginger, Porthos attaching pipes to the carriage, d'Artagnan working at a pestle and mortar, etc.
Cut.
Scene: Richelieu and his goons are talking in their offices.
Richeleiu: Now we're rid of that bunch of interfering bosybodies, I say we make sure Constance stays out of business...for good. (Goons chuckle)
Suddenly they are shocked by a frenzied braying coming from the stables. As they turn, a donkey, clearly in considerable distress, kicks the doors open from the inside. Galloping out come the Musketeers on the cart, firing potatoes out of the pipes mounted like cannon on the side. The goons are quickly overwhelmed, and Richelieu leaps onto his gig and gallops away, hotly pusued by the Musketeers. After a thrilling chase scene through teh streets of Toulon in which pistols and cannon are fired, groups of chickens scattered, nuns scared, etc, Richelieu drives his gig into a pile of boxes and flips it right over. He clambers from the wreckage with his tabard askew and face blackened just before it explodes.
d'Artagnan: Looks like he ran out of steam!
Porthos: What you talkin' about, foo'?
Athos: I told you, pal, that going up against the Musketeers wasn't a bright idea. Looks like you were a slow learner.
Richelieu: Drat you!
Aramis (arriving with Constance): Looks like you've got a business back, Constance. Now, about dinner...
The Musketeers all laugh.
Athos: J'adore quand un plan se réunit
Distantly, the galloping of horses and shouting can be heard.
Porthos: It's the King!
Athos: Time to get out of here guys!
The Musketeers dive into Porthos' barouche and crack the reins as... TITLES ROlL.
no subject
(Anonymous) 2014-02-07 06:55 pm (UTC)(link)Robin
no subject
Ahem.
Excellent stuff.
I actually fail to see how any classic series couldn't be improved by modelling it on the A-Team.
The Flintstones?
Red Dwarf?
Black Adder?
Oh yes.
no subject
no subject
"I PITY THE FECK".
no subject
no subject
(Anonymous) 2014-02-08 02:24 pm (UTC)(link)no subject