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Gilbert and Sullivan’s ‘The Thing’
Exterior: Antarctica. A dog runs across the snow, pursued by a helicopter. As we watch, the dog runs to US Outpost 31, where it encounters the research team. The Norwegian occupants of the Helicopter shout warnings (in Norwegian) and shoot at the dog.
Dog (singing to research team and base crew, to the tune of ‘A wand’ring minstrel, I’)
A wand’ring monster, I
A thing of cells proactive.
Your planet is attractive
Mankind is a warm place to hide
My body it is wrong
Through many shapes it ranges
And as my purpose changes
I shift my supple form!
I shift my supple form!
Are you my future shape?
You will be mine, tomorrow
I’ll be you, synthetic.
I’ll be your aesthetic
Duplicate, genetic
There’s no escape,
Tomorrow, tomorrow.
****
Interior: The dog pads through the station, looking through doors until it finds NORRIS sitting alone in a room and pauses to sing before moving to attack.
Dog (Singing, sotto voce, to the tune of ‘With cat-like tread’)
With dog-like tread
Upon my prey I steal
And when he’s dead,
I’ll be the one who’s real.
His long johns torn
I’ll put them in the bin
I’ll be re-born
And hide within his skin
(Ta-ran ta-ra, ta-ran ta-ra)
NORRIS sings
So stealthily our canine slinks
While MacReady plays his chess and drinks
Come hound, who walks our station
You innocent Alsatian
That’s not an affectation
As through our base you wend
I hope you’ll be our friend!
(Ta-ran ta-ra, ta-ran ta-ra)
The dog takes over the singing.
With dog-like tread
Upon my prey I steal
And when he’s dead,
I’ll be the one who’s real.
****
Interior, later: MACREADY covers the crew with his flamethrower as he tests their blood, one at a time, with a hot wire. As he tests PALMERS’s, it responds and PALMER immediately begins to transform, bursting into song as he does so (to the tune of ‘I am the very model of a modern major-general’).
I am the very model of a polymorphic alien
With shapes which range from recognisable to rank pnigalion
I want to take up residence in your bodies mammalian
But failing that I’ll settle for configurations avian
I’m very well constructed your abilities to simulate
Your speech patterns and actions I will quickly learn to emulate
When under threat my body then will twist and change with shapes innate
I’ll try and leave my cells in you as they’ll cause you all to mutate
The monster attacks WINDOWS, infecting him. MACREADY clicks at his flamethrower and finally ignites it, burning the creature and its victim. At which point GARRY Takes up the refrain.
As leader of this mission you will very rarely hear me swear
As I make the hard decisions in regards to crew and hardware
But I am not prepared to deal with creatures come from who knows where
So when you find the time if you’d untie me from this fucking chair?
****
Exterior, later still: Outpost 31 is in flames, and MACREADY staggers from the blazing wreckage. He encounters CHILDS, and the two of them look at each other, warily. MACREADY takes a swig from a bottle of whisky and offers it to CHILDS, who drinks from it. The two look at each other in mutual understanding of what this means, and CHILDS starts to sing (to the tune of ‘For he is an Englishman’).
He is American!
For in drinking down the liquor
He showed (and that’s the kicker),
That he is American!
For he might have been Mercurian,
From Mars, Moon or Venusian,
Or perhaps a Jovian!
Or perhaps a Jovian!
But in spite of all temptation,
To become an evil alien,
He remains American!
He remains American!
A CHORUS of alien forms burst from the ice, included a hugely distorted dog, a tentacled monstrosity and a two-headed abomination. They join in the singing as the credits roll.
For in spite of all temptations
To succumb to evil aliens
He remains American!
CURTAIN
Dog (singing to research team and base crew, to the tune of ‘A wand’ring minstrel, I’)
A wand’ring monster, I
A thing of cells proactive.
Your planet is attractive
Mankind is a warm place to hide
My body it is wrong
Through many shapes it ranges
And as my purpose changes
I shift my supple form!
I shift my supple form!
Are you my future shape?
You will be mine, tomorrow
I’ll be you, synthetic.
I’ll be your aesthetic
Duplicate, genetic
There’s no escape,
Tomorrow, tomorrow.
****
Interior: The dog pads through the station, looking through doors until it finds NORRIS sitting alone in a room and pauses to sing before moving to attack.
Dog (Singing, sotto voce, to the tune of ‘With cat-like tread’)
With dog-like tread
Upon my prey I steal
And when he’s dead,
I’ll be the one who’s real.
His long johns torn
I’ll put them in the bin
I’ll be re-born
And hide within his skin
(Ta-ran ta-ra, ta-ran ta-ra)
NORRIS sings
So stealthily our canine slinks
While MacReady plays his chess and drinks
Come hound, who walks our station
You innocent Alsatian
That’s not an affectation
As through our base you wend
I hope you’ll be our friend!
(Ta-ran ta-ra, ta-ran ta-ra)
The dog takes over the singing.
With dog-like tread
Upon my prey I steal
And when he’s dead,
I’ll be the one who’s real.
****
Interior, later: MACREADY covers the crew with his flamethrower as he tests their blood, one at a time, with a hot wire. As he tests PALMERS’s, it responds and PALMER immediately begins to transform, bursting into song as he does so (to the tune of ‘I am the very model of a modern major-general’).
I am the very model of a polymorphic alien
With shapes which range from recognisable to rank pnigalion
I want to take up residence in your bodies mammalian
But failing that I’ll settle for configurations avian
I’m very well constructed your abilities to simulate
Your speech patterns and actions I will quickly learn to emulate
When under threat my body then will twist and change with shapes innate
I’ll try and leave my cells in you as they’ll cause you all to mutate
The monster attacks WINDOWS, infecting him. MACREADY clicks at his flamethrower and finally ignites it, burning the creature and its victim. At which point GARRY Takes up the refrain.
As leader of this mission you will very rarely hear me swear
As I make the hard decisions in regards to crew and hardware
But I am not prepared to deal with creatures come from who knows where
So when you find the time if you’d untie me from this fucking chair?
****
Exterior, later still: Outpost 31 is in flames, and MACREADY staggers from the blazing wreckage. He encounters CHILDS, and the two of them look at each other, warily. MACREADY takes a swig from a bottle of whisky and offers it to CHILDS, who drinks from it. The two look at each other in mutual understanding of what this means, and CHILDS starts to sing (to the tune of ‘For he is an Englishman’).
He is American!
For in drinking down the liquor
He showed (and that’s the kicker),
That he is American!
For he might have been Mercurian,
From Mars, Moon or Venusian,
Or perhaps a Jovian!
Or perhaps a Jovian!
But in spite of all temptation,
To become an evil alien,
He remains American!
He remains American!
A CHORUS of alien forms burst from the ice, included a hugely distorted dog, a tentacled monstrosity and a two-headed abomination. They join in the singing as the credits roll.
For in spite of all temptations
To succumb to evil aliens
He remains American!
CURTAIN
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