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Zen and the Art of Inebriate Maintenance
Zen and the art of Inebriate maintenance
Noting that![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
ukmonty has entitled his LJ "Zen and the art of inebriation", it became inevitable that I should write a short piece outlining the basic survival strategies for seeing through a dinner party in his company.
Imagine, if you will, that you and your nearest and dearest have been invited to a convivial evening of food and booze at the Monty household. By 8pm you've had a jolly good meal over a drink or two, and the plates have been cleared away. Your host has, by this time, necked about 2/3 of a bottle of red, and is just hitting his stride...
8pm: 2/3 Bottle red.
You're host is being expansive, leading off on his favourite topic; a monologue detailing the Battle of Waterloo. Gathering up the condiments jars, salt and pepper cellars, cruet, and so forth to line up as troop dispositions he begins: "Imagine this book," he cries (brandishing a hardcover of Huysmans "Against Nature"), "is the British Square, and this Pomegranite" waving the fruit before trundling it across the table against the book, "is Marshall Ney's fatal charge..."
You are advised to keep your wits about you and look very interested at this stage, as your host will be demonstrating the correct form for holding a sabre during a cavalry charge during his exposition and you don't want to get in the way or invite anger. Instead, he will demonstrate the cutting power of the sabre against any fruits or cheeses that still litter the table before outlining the actions of the 'Thin red line' at Balaclava with a line of snuff.
10pm: 2 bottles red.
Your host and your girlfriend have launched into a discussion of the relative merits of Legolas and Boromir as putative bed partners. Legolas or Boromir? Legolas and Boromir? A huge pile of naked elves covered in Marmalade? All these options and more will be considered. During this period you can distract yourself by reading through your hosts' extensive collection of antique Japanese erotica.
As an important note, when critiquing Antique oriental erotica the correct form is to comment knowledgeably on the exquisite use of rice-line writing and subtle and delicate colouring. Do not cry out "That fellow looks to be in considerable distress!" and "By God, look at the veins on that!"
12 midnight. 2.5 bottle red, 2 glasses port.
By now your host has reached glassy-eyed ranting mode. Correct military protocol for dining is his bugbear and you will receieve a stern lecture upon the rights and wrongs of standing before the monarch, smoking in the officers mess, and a comparitive description of Cavalry dress uniforms. Should you notice a faux pas upon your hosts part (such as passing the port to the right), he will not thank you and you are advised just not to mention it.
Your best bet is to nod and smile until this phase passes.
2am. 2.5 bottles red, 1 bottle port, 1/2 bottle Muscat, 1 Glengoyne.
The maudlin phase has set in. If the Mad Swede has not been mentioned yet, she will be now. You are advised to sink lower in your chair and sleep.
4am: 2.5 bottles red, 1.5 bottles port, 1/2 bottle Muscat, 3 Glengoyne, 1 Drambuie, 2 cans Tennents Export.
Awakening with a start, you discover that your host, faced with having drunk all the alcohol on the building saving the Ukranian Absinthe, has started on the antifreeze. You also note that your girlfriend is matching him slug for slug and seems to be doing better than him.
Noting that
ukmonty has entitled his LJ "Zen and the art of inebriation", it became inevitable that I should write a short piece outlining the basic survival strategies for seeing through a dinner party in his company.Imagine, if you will, that you and your nearest and dearest have been invited to a convivial evening of food and booze at the Monty household. By 8pm you've had a jolly good meal over a drink or two, and the plates have been cleared away. Your host has, by this time, necked about 2/3 of a bottle of red, and is just hitting his stride...
8pm: 2/3 Bottle red.
You're host is being expansive, leading off on his favourite topic; a monologue detailing the Battle of Waterloo. Gathering up the condiments jars, salt and pepper cellars, cruet, and so forth to line up as troop dispositions he begins: "Imagine this book," he cries (brandishing a hardcover of Huysmans "Against Nature"), "is the British Square, and this Pomegranite" waving the fruit before trundling it across the table against the book, "is Marshall Ney's fatal charge..."
You are advised to keep your wits about you and look very interested at this stage, as your host will be demonstrating the correct form for holding a sabre during a cavalry charge during his exposition and you don't want to get in the way or invite anger. Instead, he will demonstrate the cutting power of the sabre against any fruits or cheeses that still litter the table before outlining the actions of the 'Thin red line' at Balaclava with a line of snuff.
10pm: 2 bottles red.
Your host and your girlfriend have launched into a discussion of the relative merits of Legolas and Boromir as putative bed partners. Legolas or Boromir? Legolas and Boromir? A huge pile of naked elves covered in Marmalade? All these options and more will be considered. During this period you can distract yourself by reading through your hosts' extensive collection of antique Japanese erotica.
As an important note, when critiquing Antique oriental erotica the correct form is to comment knowledgeably on the exquisite use of rice-line writing and subtle and delicate colouring. Do not cry out "That fellow looks to be in considerable distress!" and "By God, look at the veins on that!"
12 midnight. 2.5 bottle red, 2 glasses port.
By now your host has reached glassy-eyed ranting mode. Correct military protocol for dining is his bugbear and you will receieve a stern lecture upon the rights and wrongs of standing before the monarch, smoking in the officers mess, and a comparitive description of Cavalry dress uniforms. Should you notice a faux pas upon your hosts part (such as passing the port to the right), he will not thank you and you are advised just not to mention it.
Your best bet is to nod and smile until this phase passes.
2am. 2.5 bottles red, 1 bottle port, 1/2 bottle Muscat, 1 Glengoyne.
The maudlin phase has set in. If the Mad Swede has not been mentioned yet, she will be now. You are advised to sink lower in your chair and sleep.
4am: 2.5 bottles red, 1.5 bottles port, 1/2 bottle Muscat, 3 Glengoyne, 1 Drambuie, 2 cans Tennents Export.
Awakening with a start, you discover that your host, faced with having drunk all the alcohol on the building saving the Ukranian Absinthe, has started on the antifreeze. You also note that your girlfriend is matching him slug for slug and seems to be doing better than him.
Self-incrimination
(Anonymous) 2003-08-04 08:25 am (UTC)(link)Anonymous for obvious reasons.
Re: Self-incrimination
Re: Self-incrimination
(Anonymous) 2003-08-04 09:12 am (UTC)(link)I managed to muck up the
Signed
The Anonymous & Ineffectual Monty Stalker
Re: Self-incrimination
Re: Self-incrimination
Re: Self-incrimination
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Incidentally, apologies for not turning up on Saturday (in case you put out at all). I am becoming incredibly unreliable in my old age.
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I would agree.
And Admiral Sir Sidney Smith managed to arrive at practically every pivotal point. I really want to know how he did it.
Re: I would agree.
Oh come on.....
A response
In a spirit of fair play and friendship I feel it only fitting that I take my god given right to reply as an Englishman and correct some of the more outlandish claims made my chum David.
One: Ney didn't die at Waterloo, so although the charge was misjudged and not at all beneficial to the French side at the battle, it was not as it were fatal vis a vis Ney.
Two: It wasn't Snuff.
Three: I would point out that a third party brought Boromir into the equation and conversation. Although I realise that you may have missed that part as you were cowering in the corner with your fingers in your ears singing loudly.. With your eyes shut.
Four: The Japanese erotica was bought with you! I even got a good price, as I was a friend of "Meester Wade".
Five: OK, hands up to the port passing. But in my defence it was an informal evening.
Six: I was not being maudlin, it was a warning from the Heart to good friends to avoid the Swedish Devils.
Seven: I take great offence to your last allegations. Tennants extra has never crossed the threshold to Chez Monty's with my for knowledge. The only can of that ilk was brought in by a young chap called Tully when visiting on his way back from the Notting Hill Carnival.. He went to St Paul's, which explains it really. As to the Ukraine Absinthe, a foul lie.
Re: Oh come on.....
btw - theres something happening for my birthday on sunday 24th in Peterbrough, you interested??
Re: Oh come on.....
Re: Oh come on.....
Why did you have to make me remember?
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Oh, and also, marmelade is for amateurs, Marmite on the other hand... ;-p
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