davywavy | In memoriam...

A few days ago,

ukmonty announced a competition on his LJ, for the writing of his obituary. This is off the back of my constant predictions of his impending demise, and he felt that he may as well get some entertainment out of it all and in the process he offered a prize.
What surprises me is that he hasn’t had any entries for this contest as yet; it isn’t every day that freebies are offered out, and even less often by a Southerner (Southerners, as we all know, are beaten into second place in parsimony only by the Scots). As an open handed and generous northern soul, I’m often shocked by the tight-fistedness of my southern cousins, and so I’m surprised that he hasn’t been inundated by entries - if for no other reason than a sense of wonder at the freebie on offer.

However, as there have been no other entries, this means that my entry - no matter how poor - can’t fail to win. Now, I’m not one to turn my nose up at a sure thing, and so I put my mind to thinking of a suitable obituary. Several ideas struck me.
I could just enter any old obituary (Monty is dead.) on the basis that the prize was mine anyway. But then my pride in a job well done got in the way and other ideas started to come.

How about if his death was announced in the small ads?
Monty dead. For sale, one humidor, slightly foxed (empty)

Or what might the cause of death have been?
”…after being subjected to noxious chemicals for more than thirty years, Monty’s liver gained sentience and murdered him itself. The newly sentient organ was pardoned on the grounds of intolerable cruelty by its former owner. Subsequent testing indicates that not only was Monty’s liver the largest organ is his body, it was also far the most intelligent…”

Or what about his achievements in life?
…the Piedmont Wine merchants have awarded him posthumous honours for services to the region…

Perhaps a medical report?
The Lancet, May 2005
Doctors Baffled by death of Monty
“…he lived such a healthy lifestyle”, said the Pathologist. “We expected him to see a century out…”

Gosh, so many possibilities. Heroism?
Monty lost his life single-handedly defending Threshers during an outbreak of rioting and looting…

Or what about in the newspaper?
Taxidermist Refuses "Tasteless" Commission

"I'm not doing it and that's final," said Mr Raymond Buggins, 56, yesterday, after having been asked to undertake an unusual piece of work for a private client. "People's pets, cats and dogs and things, that's a different matter. But this... well, it's outside the bounds of decency. And that's all I'm saying."

"Oh go on, please," urged a beseeching David Wade, 31. "I really need him as an NPC for my next game. Nobody will notice the difference, except there'll be more drink left for everyone else, and he'll still be a better role-player than most of the people there. Go on, look, I'll make it worth your while. Ten per cent over your usual rate, and, tell you what, I'll throw in this humidor as well."

Mr Buggins is reported to have told Mr Wade to "get stuffed."

Of course - after all this, the ideal answer struck me:
Jupiter Herald, May 23rd, 2112
Prison authorities today announced the death in custody of Alistair Brian Montgomery, who was serving a life sentence without possibility of parole for the brutal murder of David Wade over one hundred years ago. David, described as one of the finest minds of the early twenty-first century, was killed by Monty after in cold blood. Witnesses said “David just pushed it too far once too often. Not to mention publicly posting that his middle name was Brian.”
Alistair remained unrepentant until the day he died. “It served the Northern git right,” he is reported to have said on his deathbed. “I’d do it again tomorrow.”
However, civilisation must only be glad that David had travelled to the United States shortly before his death where his accent ensured he sired a considerable number of heirs to his genius, many of whom now form the kernel of the Galactic Government.