David and Jenny break up. The way it was.
Jun. 1st, 2004 11:40 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
davywavyBeing an accurate dramatisation of that fateful moment when we went our separate ways.
Just in case any of you think I'm being insenstive posting this, I'd like to stress that it was her idea, and she thought it bloody funny.
A customer enters a pet shop.
Mr. Wade: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.
(The owner does not respond.)
Mr. Wade: 'Ello, Miss?
Owner: What do you mean "miss"?
Mr. Wade: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!
Owner: We're closin' for lunch.
Mr. Wade: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this girlfriend what I purchased not three and an ‘alf years ago from this very boutique.
Owner: Oh yes, the, uh, the Jenny Allcock...What's...uh...What's wrong with her?
Mr. Wade: I'll tell you what's wrong with her, my lad. She’s depressed, that's what's wrong with her!
Owner: No, no, she's uh...she's resting.
Mr. Wade: Look, matey, I know a depressed girlfriend when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
Owner: No no she's not depressed, she's, she's restin'! Remarkable bird, the Jenny Allcock, in'it, eh? Beautiful hooters!
Mr. Wade: The hooters don't enter into it. She’s bleedin’ depressed!.
Owner: Nononono, no, no! She's resting!
Mr. Wade: All right then, if she's restin', I'll wake her up! (Shouting at the cage) 'Ello, Jenny! I've got a lovely bar of chocolate for you if you show...
(Owner hits the cage)
Owner: There, she moved!
Mr. Wade: No, she didn't, that was you hitting the cage!
Owner: I never!!
Mr. Wade: Yes, you did!
Owner: I never, never did anything...
Mr. Wade: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) 'ELLO Jenny!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!
(Takes girlfriend out of the cage and thumps its head on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)
Mr. Wade: Now that's what I call a depressed girlfriend.
Owner: No, no.....No, she's stunned!
Mr. Wade: STUNNED?!?
Owner: Yeah! You stunned her, just as she was wakin' up! Jenny’s stun easily, major.
Mr. Wade: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That girlfriend is definitely depressed, and when I purchased ‘er not 'three and an ‘alf years ago, you assured me that ‘er total lack of movement was due to ‘er bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged shop.
Owner: Well, she's...she's, ah...probably pining for shoes.
Mr. Wade: PININ' for Shoes?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that? Look, why did she fall flat on her back the moment I got 'er home?
Owner: The Jenny prefers keepin' on it's back! Remarkable bird, innit, squire? Lovely hooters!
Mr. Wade: Look, I took the liberty of examining that girlfriend when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been smiling in the first place was that the grin had been NAILED there.
(pause)
Owner: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that girlfriend down, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent 'em apart with its norks, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!
Mr. Wade: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this bird wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! She's bleedin' depressed!
Owner: No no! She's pining!
Mr. Wade: She's not pinin'! She's depressed! This Jenny is not ‘appy! She has ceased to laugh! She's sighed and gone to meet ‘er therapist! She's a stiff! Bereft of cheer, she smiles no more! If you hadn't nailed ‘er smile on she'd be glowerin’ fit to bust! ‘Er metabolic processes are nigh 'istory! She's off the laughin’ gas! She's kicked the optimism, she's knocked off ‘er merry ways, run down the shutters and joined the bleedin' support group!! THIS IS AN EX-GIRLFRIEND!!
(Pause)
Owner: Well, I'd better replace it, then. (He takes a quick peek behind the counter) Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of girlfriends.
Mr. Wade: I see. I see, I get the picture.
Owner: I've got a Monty.
(Pause)
Mr. Wade: Pray, does it talk coherently?
Owner: ...not really.
Mr. Wade: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?
Owner: N-no, I guess not. (Gets ashamed, looks at his feet)
Mr. Wade: Well.
(pause)
Owner: (quietly) D'you.... d'you want to come back to my place?
Mr. Wade: (looks around) Yeah, all right, sure.
Just in case any of you think I'm being insenstive posting this, I'd like to stress that it was her idea, and she thought it bloody funny.
A customer enters a pet shop.
Mr. Wade: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.
(The owner does not respond.)
Mr. Wade: 'Ello, Miss?
Owner: What do you mean "miss"?
Mr. Wade: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!
Owner: We're closin' for lunch.
Mr. Wade: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this girlfriend what I purchased not three and an ‘alf years ago from this very boutique.
Owner: Oh yes, the, uh, the Jenny Allcock...What's...uh...What's wrong with her?
Mr. Wade: I'll tell you what's wrong with her, my lad. She’s depressed, that's what's wrong with her!
Owner: No, no, she's uh...she's resting.
Mr. Wade: Look, matey, I know a depressed girlfriend when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
Owner: No no she's not depressed, she's, she's restin'! Remarkable bird, the Jenny Allcock, in'it, eh? Beautiful hooters!
Mr. Wade: The hooters don't enter into it. She’s bleedin’ depressed!.
Owner: Nononono, no, no! She's resting!
Mr. Wade: All right then, if she's restin', I'll wake her up! (Shouting at the cage) 'Ello, Jenny! I've got a lovely bar of chocolate for you if you show...
(Owner hits the cage)
Owner: There, she moved!
Mr. Wade: No, she didn't, that was you hitting the cage!
Owner: I never!!
Mr. Wade: Yes, you did!
Owner: I never, never did anything...
Mr. Wade: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) 'ELLO Jenny!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!
(Takes girlfriend out of the cage and thumps its head on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)
Mr. Wade: Now that's what I call a depressed girlfriend.
Owner: No, no.....No, she's stunned!
Mr. Wade: STUNNED?!?
Owner: Yeah! You stunned her, just as she was wakin' up! Jenny’s stun easily, major.
Mr. Wade: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That girlfriend is definitely depressed, and when I purchased ‘er not 'three and an ‘alf years ago, you assured me that ‘er total lack of movement was due to ‘er bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged shop.
Owner: Well, she's...she's, ah...probably pining for shoes.
Mr. Wade: PININ' for Shoes?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that? Look, why did she fall flat on her back the moment I got 'er home?
Owner: The Jenny prefers keepin' on it's back! Remarkable bird, innit, squire? Lovely hooters!
Mr. Wade: Look, I took the liberty of examining that girlfriend when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been smiling in the first place was that the grin had been NAILED there.
(pause)
Owner: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that girlfriend down, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent 'em apart with its norks, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!
Mr. Wade: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this bird wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! She's bleedin' depressed!
Owner: No no! She's pining!
Mr. Wade: She's not pinin'! She's depressed! This Jenny is not ‘appy! She has ceased to laugh! She's sighed and gone to meet ‘er therapist! She's a stiff! Bereft of cheer, she smiles no more! If you hadn't nailed ‘er smile on she'd be glowerin’ fit to bust! ‘Er metabolic processes are nigh 'istory! She's off the laughin’ gas! She's kicked the optimism, she's knocked off ‘er merry ways, run down the shutters and joined the bleedin' support group!! THIS IS AN EX-GIRLFRIEND!!
(Pause)
Owner: Well, I'd better replace it, then. (He takes a quick peek behind the counter) Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of girlfriends.
Mr. Wade: I see. I see, I get the picture.
Owner: I've got a Monty.
(Pause)
Mr. Wade: Pray, does it talk coherently?
Owner: ...not really.
Mr. Wade: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?
Owner: N-no, I guess not. (Gets ashamed, looks at his feet)
Mr. Wade: Well.
(pause)
Owner: (quietly) D'you.... d'you want to come back to my place?
Mr. Wade: (looks around) Yeah, all right, sure.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2004-06-01 03:51 am (UTC)Owner: ...not really.
*Cough, choke, spills drink*
no subject
Date: 2004-06-01 05:19 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-06-01 05:47 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-06-01 04:27 am (UTC)Only you...
no subject
Date: 2004-06-01 05:19 am (UTC)"The best to both of you BTW" slured Monty incoherently
no subject
Date: 2004-06-01 05:57 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-06-01 06:05 am (UTC)Wishing the best to the both of ye'.
no subject
Date: 2004-06-01 06:05 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-06-01 09:22 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-06-01 10:33 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-06-01 11:02 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-06-01 11:13 am (UTC)Sorry to hear...