Why don't I have a job in television yet?
Jun. 18th, 2004 10:54 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
davywavyI read an interesting statistic earlier – apparently the two most watched programmes on British Television of the last 25 years, in terms of audience share, were the Royal wedding of Lady Diana Spencer and Prince Charles, and an Episode of The A-Team broadcast in 1984.
Both of these were significant cultural landmarks but it struck me…what if both these televisual events had been combined into one? Surely by combining the two we would have been guaranteed the most watched television programme…Ever!
The scene: A garage just off London’s famous Pall Mall. Lady Diana Spencer has been kidnapped and hidden here by the goons of Mohammed al-Fayed. Also in the garage is a state coach, a rack of power tools, a bazooka, and a selection of machinery. The A-Team, hired by the Duke of Edinburgh to rescue Diana, have been captured by the goons and are thrust into the garage.
Face: “What we gonna do, Hannibal? Lady Di has to be at Westminster Abbey in an hour for the wedding, or Camilla Parker Bowles will steal the throne of England!”
Hannibal: “We’re going to do what we do best. B.A.? Murdoch? I’ve got an idea…”
After a short conversation, the A-Team go to work! A sequence of montage images follow, including BA using heavy power tools, Murdoch welding something onto the state coach, and Face trying on a footman’s outfit in a convenient mirror, and adjusting the wig before leaping onto the back of the coach. As music plays, Hannibal helps Diana into the coach.
Hannibal: “My Lady? Let’s get you to the church on time.”
Murdoch whips up the horses on the coach and they crash through the doors of the garage (the horses may be seen to be wearing welded steel face plates to allow them to do so) .and onto the Mall past crowds of cheering commoners.
Murdoch: “Hyar! Hyar!”
Diana waves. A second coach screeches round the corner behind them carrying al-Fayed’s goons firing AK47s. Face turns around and fires the bazooka, causing the second coach to flip over and spin around upside down, before the goons crawl out with ties askew and their faces blackened.
With only moments to spare, the state coach arrives at Westminster Abbey. The wedding march is playing…
********************************************************************
Final scene:
Queen (Graciously): “I hereby dub thee…Sir Howling Mad Murdoch.”
The camera pans about the stateroom. Face is sprawled upon the throne, a crown upon his head at a rakish angle. There is lipstick on his collar and Princess Diana is standing beside him looking sheepish and wearing the same colour lipstick. Murdoch is kneeling before the Queen as B.A. Stands to attention wearing a bearskin and a military tunic with heavy frogging.
B.A.: “Hey, Hannibal, I got myself a new uniform!”
Hannibal: “I love it when a plan comes together.”
Murdoch: “Hey, B.A.! I’m a Lord now! You’ve got to show me respect!”
B.A.: “You’re a crazy fool!”
Murdoch: “That’s Sir Crazy Fool to you, now!”
The episode ends with a freeze frame of B.A. pursuing Murdoch through Buckingham Palace brandishing a headsman’s axe, whilst the A-Team theme music plays to a stately orchestral arrangement.
I mean…why was this never made? The advertising revenues would have been immense. I reckon the viewing figures would have been approximately 40 million in this country alone.
Both of these were significant cultural landmarks but it struck me…what if both these televisual events had been combined into one? Surely by combining the two we would have been guaranteed the most watched television programme…Ever!
The scene: A garage just off London’s famous Pall Mall. Lady Diana Spencer has been kidnapped and hidden here by the goons of Mohammed al-Fayed. Also in the garage is a state coach, a rack of power tools, a bazooka, and a selection of machinery. The A-Team, hired by the Duke of Edinburgh to rescue Diana, have been captured by the goons and are thrust into the garage.
Face: “What we gonna do, Hannibal? Lady Di has to be at Westminster Abbey in an hour for the wedding, or Camilla Parker Bowles will steal the throne of England!”
Hannibal: “We’re going to do what we do best. B.A.? Murdoch? I’ve got an idea…”
After a short conversation, the A-Team go to work! A sequence of montage images follow, including BA using heavy power tools, Murdoch welding something onto the state coach, and Face trying on a footman’s outfit in a convenient mirror, and adjusting the wig before leaping onto the back of the coach. As music plays, Hannibal helps Diana into the coach.
Hannibal: “My Lady? Let’s get you to the church on time.”
Murdoch whips up the horses on the coach and they crash through the doors of the garage (the horses may be seen to be wearing welded steel face plates to allow them to do so) .and onto the Mall past crowds of cheering commoners.
Murdoch: “Hyar! Hyar!”
Diana waves. A second coach screeches round the corner behind them carrying al-Fayed’s goons firing AK47s. Face turns around and fires the bazooka, causing the second coach to flip over and spin around upside down, before the goons crawl out with ties askew and their faces blackened.
With only moments to spare, the state coach arrives at Westminster Abbey. The wedding march is playing…
********************************************************************
Final scene:
Queen (Graciously): “I hereby dub thee…Sir Howling Mad Murdoch.”
The camera pans about the stateroom. Face is sprawled upon the throne, a crown upon his head at a rakish angle. There is lipstick on his collar and Princess Diana is standing beside him looking sheepish and wearing the same colour lipstick. Murdoch is kneeling before the Queen as B.A. Stands to attention wearing a bearskin and a military tunic with heavy frogging.
B.A.: “Hey, Hannibal, I got myself a new uniform!”
Hannibal: “I love it when a plan comes together.”
Murdoch: “Hey, B.A.! I’m a Lord now! You’ve got to show me respect!”
B.A.: “You’re a crazy fool!”
Murdoch: “That’s Sir Crazy Fool to you, now!”
The episode ends with a freeze frame of B.A. pursuing Murdoch through Buckingham Palace brandishing a headsman’s axe, whilst the A-Team theme music plays to a stately orchestral arrangement.
I mean…why was this never made? The advertising revenues would have been immense. I reckon the viewing figures would have been approximately 40 million in this country alone.
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no subject
Date: 2004-06-18 03:21 pm (UTC)i like it :)
no subject
Date: 2004-06-18 03:23 pm (UTC)Did I ever tell you about the time I met Dwight Schultz?
no subject
Date: 2004-06-18 03:24 pm (UTC)No, you didn't...
no subject
Date: 2004-06-18 03:26 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-06-18 03:29 pm (UTC)You don't work in TV because...
Date: 2004-06-18 03:35 pm (UTC)Re: You don't work in TV because...
Date: 2004-06-18 03:40 pm (UTC)Re: You don't work in TV because...
Date: 2004-06-18 03:46 pm (UTC)If you want to do anything or cultural merit, you may have to give Al Yentob oral sex.
Re: You don't work in TV because...
Date: 2004-06-18 03:52 pm (UTC)Re: You don't work in TV because...
Date: 2004-06-18 04:14 pm (UTC)a) CS you will forever be barred from acting on the urge we all feel to slap that self-satisfied vacant-yet-condescending smirk off of her face and you'll have to act like you like laurence lewellyn-bowen.
b) A&D you will never be allowed to explain to them that they should overcome their inhibitions and accept they're more than just 'friends' and forever be barred from acting on the urge we all feel to slap that self-satisfied vacant-yet-condescending smirk off of their faces
of course, with option b) you might get to spend time around Cat Deeley, so it's not all bad ; )
Re: You don't work in TV because...
Date: 2004-06-18 04:26 pm (UTC)Re: You don't work in TV because...
Date: 2004-06-18 04:31 pm (UTC)a) CS you will forever be barred from acting on the urge we all feel to slap that self-satisfied vacant-yet-condescending smirk off of her face and you'll have to act like you like laurence lewellyn-bowen.
b) A&D you will never be allowed to explain to them that they should overcome their inhibitions and accept they're more than just 'friends' and forever be barred from acting on the urge we all feel to slap that self-satisfied vacant-yet-condescending smirk off of their faces
of course, with option b) you might get to spend time around Cat Deeley, so it's not all bad ; )