No matter how bad life gets, you aren't on Jerry Springer.

[davywavy]

No matter how bad you think life is, you're not on Jerry Springer
You're not confessing your love for your sister's gay dog. Your wife is not secretly a prostitute who is leaving you for her pimp. Your husband does not need to tell you that he's dating your grandmother. Simply, your life is going pretty damn well.

Never, EVER, go on Jerry Springer
This isn't Montel or Oprah. Hell, it's not even Ricki. If you get a phone call from the Jerry Springer show inviting you on, hang up, burn the phone, and wash yourself with bleach. Whatever they need to tell you CAN'T be good.

If you DO decide to go on, bring a lawyer
Even if you don't think you've done anything wrong, bring a lawyer. Watch ratings go through the roof when you present the wife that just admitted that she's cheating on you and doesn't care about the kids with divorce papers on national TV.

When you get to the show, if they make you wait outside the studio in front of that camera, run away
If you're waiting outside, an ambush is waiting inside. Run far, run fast.

When you get out in front of the cameras, and your chair is on the other side of the stage from your loved one, leave it there.
Don't waste the energy moving your chair over to be next to them, no matter how wonderful you think that person is. Your chair is a half mile away for a reason. You're not going to like what you're going to hear. And you're just going to have to move it back.

If there's a third chair on stage, and you have no idea why, get ready to hit someone
That's the chair reserved for the animal-humping, cross-dressing, tri-sexual that your significant other is cheating on you with.

If there's a four chair on stage, and you KNOW why it's there, shut the hell up.
That's the chair reserved for the animal-humping, cross-dressing, tri-sexual that YOU'RE cheating with.

Throw the chair
Face it, the bouncers are too fast, and too many. You'll never get past them to that bitch/bastard on the other side of the stage. If you're really pissed, pick up your chair and throw it at him/her. No bouncer will be able to stop it. And it will hurt a LOT more than your screaming "sit down bitch". In court, claim temporary insanity. Hell, you were on Jerry.

When in doubt, no matter what the accusation, "Whatever. You don't know me" is a perfectly suitable answer
It may not get you out of anything, and you'll look like a complete idiot, but at least you won't hurt yourself trying to explain why being a prostitute is the best way to support your kids.

If you're the one that wants to go on the show to confess something ridiculous, kill yourself now
You think you feel like hell now? Going on TV to tell everyone that you're a player and cheat on everyone guarantees that you never get laid again. No one will sympathize with you when you admit to having sex with both your brother AND sister because they're the only ones who really love you. At the very least, do everyone a favor and get sterilized so you can never create more of YOU.

Steve, the bouncer, has the best job in the world
He's famous, he gets entertained on a regular basis, and all he has to do is hold a guy back by the fishnet stockings he's wearing so no one gets hurt. AND people chant his name.

Comments

[robinbloke.livejournal.com]

That show represents everything I hate about modern television; because like a rabbit watching an oncoming car it holds people watching it, even though they know it's painful.
Anything for those 15 seconds of soundbyte fame.

[raggedyman.livejournal.com]

couple of things:

1 - never underestimate the chance of going on live TV and what it does to peoples brains

2 - non of its fake, everyone who goes on (including the audience) signs a contract that states that if anything they say is not true (within the bounds of personal interpritation etc) they will be charged the full production costs of each show which is about £30,000

3 - Steve is indeed fantastic and has his own fanclub, he also works damn hard for his money and has been in hospital (ie at least 24 hours) repeatedly from injuries sustained on the show.

4 - The chair thing dosent work that good, Steve has stopped it a fair few times. The two I saw was once when he blocked and swereved it out of the way with his arms and once when he just stopped it with his head.

5 - They sometime do nice shows (families getting back together, suprise parties, awards for being fab) so dont always assume your invite is for the worst (anyone attending gets 5 possible titles for the show in advance). If you are on the show dont do what the chap on the Valantines special for married couples episode did, when his wife came onstage to tell everyone on life tv how nice and wonderful he was he got the first shot in and yelled 'Well fuck you bitch, I screwed your sister!'

Yes, I did used to watch Jerry. He is brilliant to watch in an ironic way and I was a student

[souldier-blue.livejournal.com]

I used to have a link to a really incisive article about The Jerry Springer Show. About how finally the American underclass have been given a voice, and that regardless of what we the viewers might think of the people on the show, they are real people with real problems, and it's a sad indictment of the American Education system. However, I can't find it, so here's a link (http://www.pacificnet.net/jue/idontknow/jerryspringer.html) I found earlier that pretty much says the same thing.

Final thought, middle America listens to Jerry, and Jerry is pretty much a good guy. He preaches tolerance of homosexuality, and basically asks people to be nice to each other.

Re:

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

We've had this conversation many a time, you & I :)

I don't disagree, but then again, I don't stop finding it funny, either :)

And it *is* a slamming indictment of the US education system.