"There is nothing like a dame" (Roleplaying version)

Act 2, Scene 1: An idyllic seaside resort, out of season. The curtain opens on a large conference hall, where twenty or thirty GEEKS in goatees, faded black T shirts and XXXL jeans are discovered engaged in various gaming recreations – shaking twenty-sided dice, laying out Magic cards, hitting one another with rubber swords, etc.

[To the tune of “There is nothing like a Dame” from South Pacific]

Geek 1: We got sunlight on the sand
We got moonlight on the pier
Geek 2: We got coffee! We got doughnuts!
Geek 3: We got Pringles!
Geek 4: We got beer!
Geek 1: We got Traveller and Runequest
We got David running games!
Geek 2: What ain’t we got?
Geek Chorus: We ain’t got dames!

Geek 2: We got artefacts and relics
We got magic! We got gold!
Geek 3: We got unconvincing yarns
Of natural twenties that we rolled!
Geek 1: I got a plus 5 Vorpal Blade!
Geek 2: I got a fortieth level thief!
Geek 3: What do we need?
Geek Chorus: We need relief!

Geek 1: We got nothing to keep our best suits clean for
Geek 2: Or in some cases, observe the most basic fundamentals of personal hygiene for

Geek Chorus: There is nothin' like a dame,
Nothin' in the world,
There is nothin' like a dame
Who’ll come anywhere near a game!

Geek 3: We know what they’re meant to look like
From the cheats on Lara Croft
Geek 1: And I’ve got a life-size model
Geek 2: Though it’s started going soft
Geek 3: And we’ve often tried to fathom
Where the gamer chicks all go
Where are they all?
Geek Chorus: We sure don’t know!

Geek 1: We got nothing to start going to the gym for
Geek 2: Go on a diet, wear firm-control underwear, or make the slightest effort to appear marginally more slim for

Geek 2: We got a first edition DMG
By Gary Gygax, signed !
Geek 3: I got a dark elf realdoll
Which has stopped me going blind!
Geek 1: I got a new Star Fury!
Geek 2: I got a telepath!
Geek 3: What do we need?
Geek Chorus: We need a bath!


Geek Chorus: There is nothin' like a dame,
Nothin' in the world,
There is nothin' like a dame
Who’ll come anywhere near a game!