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Ten ways to annoy your boss
Sep. 5th, 2005 10:08 amInspired by ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
flywingedmonkey's ongoing tales of his attempts to get fired, I was thinking today about some of the crap I've pulled in previous jobs. I've said in the past that I'd hate to be my boss - I'm good enough at my job that I'm not going to get fired for anything short of punching another staff member, so I've always taken this as carte blanche to arse around at work.
Of course, now I'm my boss I find that I arse around a lot less because, for the first time in my life, I really am getting paid on results.
However, I present a selection of ways to wind up your boss, all of which I have, at one time or another, done.
1) Call your boss, male or female, 'petal' in a strong Yorkshire accent at all times.
2) Make a Beavis & Butthead poster with a speech ballon reading "Uh-hu-hu-hu. This job sucks". Hang it over your desk.
3) Return your Christmas bonus cheque to the Manging Director with a stern note explaining that it isn't enough. Ask if they're trying to insult you or if they're just taking the piss.
4)Stop shaving for two months. This works best if you are male.
5) After quitting for a better job, during your exit interview do not speak to your boss at all. Instead just stare at him without blinking, holding eye contact until he can only look at his feet and mumble.
6) If you have your own office, ensure that when your boss pops his head round the door you are lying spreadeagled on the floor staring at the ceiling. When he asks what you're doing, reply 'Thinking'.
7) If your boss asks why you never come along to any of his 'team' sessions in the pub after work, explain to him that he has to pay you to hang out with him during the day and if he wants to hang out with you in the evening it will cost him time-and-a-half.
8) During a boozy lunch with your female boss, accuse her of fancying you. When she denies it, ask her if that is the case then why do her pupils expand every time she looks at you?
9) When your boss tells you that there is "no 'I' in team", reply that "there's no U, either, but if he looks carefully he'll find 'me.'"
10) Two months before quitting your job to go travelling, go to the stationary cupbaord and get a 100 sheet lined pad of paper. Then, whenever you have a spare five minutes, use that time constructively by writing "All work and no play makes david a dull boy all work and no play makes david a dull boy all work and no play...' over and over again in the pad. Eventually, you will have filled the pad cover to cover.
At your exit interview when you quit, tell your boss you have left your pad with all your client notes on your desk.
Leave the building quickly.
And finally, the best way to annoy your boss.
When your boss refuses to pay you owed bonuses and lies to you about it, quit your job and set up in direct competition. Steal a lot of business from him.
This will really hack him off.
flywingedmonkey's ongoing tales of his attempts to get fired, I was thinking today about some of the crap I've pulled in previous jobs. I've said in the past that I'd hate to be my boss - I'm good enough at my job that I'm not going to get fired for anything short of punching another staff member, so I've always taken this as carte blanche to arse around at work.Of course, now I'm my boss I find that I arse around a lot less because, for the first time in my life, I really am getting paid on results.
However, I present a selection of ways to wind up your boss, all of which I have, at one time or another, done.
1) Call your boss, male or female, 'petal' in a strong Yorkshire accent at all times.
2) Make a Beavis & Butthead poster with a speech ballon reading "Uh-hu-hu-hu. This job sucks". Hang it over your desk.
3) Return your Christmas bonus cheque to the Manging Director with a stern note explaining that it isn't enough. Ask if they're trying to insult you or if they're just taking the piss.
4)Stop shaving for two months. This works best if you are male.
5) After quitting for a better job, during your exit interview do not speak to your boss at all. Instead just stare at him without blinking, holding eye contact until he can only look at his feet and mumble.
6) If you have your own office, ensure that when your boss pops his head round the door you are lying spreadeagled on the floor staring at the ceiling. When he asks what you're doing, reply 'Thinking'.
7) If your boss asks why you never come along to any of his 'team' sessions in the pub after work, explain to him that he has to pay you to hang out with him during the day and if he wants to hang out with you in the evening it will cost him time-and-a-half.
8) During a boozy lunch with your female boss, accuse her of fancying you. When she denies it, ask her if that is the case then why do her pupils expand every time she looks at you?
9) When your boss tells you that there is "no 'I' in team", reply that "there's no U, either, but if he looks carefully he'll find 'me.'"
10) Two months before quitting your job to go travelling, go to the stationary cupbaord and get a 100 sheet lined pad of paper. Then, whenever you have a spare five minutes, use that time constructively by writing "All work and no play makes david a dull boy all work and no play makes david a dull boy all work and no play...' over and over again in the pad. Eventually, you will have filled the pad cover to cover.
At your exit interview when you quit, tell your boss you have left your pad with all your client notes on your desk.
Leave the building quickly.
And finally, the best way to annoy your boss.
When your boss refuses to pay you owed bonuses and lies to you about it, quit your job and set up in direct competition. Steal a lot of business from him.
This will really hack him off.
