The Girls from Grantham

As the more politically aware members of my readership might be aware, the Conservative Party is currently in a state of some flux over leadership. With Michael Howard’s pre-announced resignation as leader, heads are poking out of the long grass – Liam Fox, David Davis, David Cameron and Ken Clarke have all suggested they might or will stand for the leadership and, frankly, the whole show looks like it will turn into the usual free-for-all meaning that the traditional ‘natural party of Government’ remains the ‘party of opposition’.

This is an unconscionable state of affairs to anyone with an interest in healthy parliamentary democracy. Whatever your politics, it has to be acknowledged that a strong, well led opposition – of whatever political stripe – is an essential for maintaining debate and reason within government and so, whilst some people out there might be pleased by the weakness of the current opposition, those of us who believe in such things as free speech and civil liberties are naturally worried by the degree of freedom that any unopposed government possesses.

Thankfully, I have come up with a solution. As you may know, I run my own company: a state of affairs which will inevitably result in my shortly becoming wealthy beyond the dreams of avarice and, in anticipation of this happy day, I have begun funding a project which will solve this country’s woes forever. After some small effort, I have obtained a sample of DNA from Margaret Thatcher and begun to clone her.

In a secret medical research facility just outside Grantham, literally thousands of Margaret Hilda Roberts’ in various stages of development are sprouting like beans in wet blotting paper like in that experiment we did at Junior School. Their development timed to reach maturity at ten- year intervals, I expect that we shall have sufficient Margaret Thatchers to provide this country with sterling leadership until the year 41289, by which time we should just about have paid off the budget deficit Gordon Brown has run up.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: “What will this cost the taxpayer?”
I’m delighted to be able to answer: not a penny. Not only do I intend for the cloning of Margaret Thatcher to be one of the greatest acts of charity and philanthropy ever performed by man, I also anticipate considerable demand from other countries who are simply crying out for a Maggie of their own. I’ve already been approached by representatives of Cuba, Zimbabwe, Kazakhstan, France and the United States of America who recognize that only a good dose of British common sense can sort out the awful messes which have been made of their countries.

It’s widely agreed that the greatest era of peace and prosperity the United Kingdom has ever experienced were the years 1979 – 90, and it’s never escaped me that those people who are most critical of the Thatcher administration are those who are either physically or mentally under the age of 25 and so do not really have any first hand memories of the time.
I hope that you, like me, are looking forward to seeing them repeated.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.
Otherwise, it’s more Tony Blair.*
The choice is yours.

REJOICE!


^{*Rumour has it that in an attempt to counterract the Thatcher-cloning procedure, Labour party officials have been attempting to code Tony Blair's personality into a computer to render him effectively immortal.
They've been having great success on a Commodore 64 with the code:
10 onerrorrun
20 Smarm
30 Lie
40 goto 20}