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Superman Returns again.
Sep. 27th, 2006 09:18 amThere's being talk in the movie press about Superman Returns and whether there will be a sequel, as it hasn't done as well as the studios expected.
The big problem that any sequel will have to tackle is that the delightful tow-headed moppet who trundles around behind Lois Lane is in fact The Son of Superman. The is a problem for two reasons:
a) That Superman got an eighteen year old knocked up and then left town for five years. As behaviour of a paragon of truth and justice, this seems, to say the least, out of character. Whilst this sort of thing is fine in a Stevenage nightclub, and there is an established literary precedent for Supes and Lois getting together, I think that anyone with any sensitivity for the character of Superman feels that there's something wrong with him going wham bam thank you ma'am and then getting the hell out of Dodge to avoid alimony payments.
b) That any dramatic tension in scenes featuring Lois is lost. When your kid can catch bullets, shoot laser beams from his eyes and fly faster than light, being threatened by Tommy-gun wielding goons suddenly seems somewhat less of a challenge.
Now how will the sequel deal with these problems? I have a potential solution, which would not only re-establish Superman's character but also introduce yet more soap-opera style interpersonal drama which Hollywood seems to love so much.
The scene:
General Zod (Played by Terence Stamp, who's still got it): Kneel before Zod!
Superman (Heroic): Never!
Zod: Your girlfriend did...
Superman: What?!
Zod: You didn't think that kid was yours, did you? You can't get a girl pregnant by holding hands, you idiot!
Superman But mom always told me that mummies and daddies hold hands in a very special way and...
Zod: Ha! Imbecile! Girls always fancy the bad guy more. I met her in a bar in the Bowery. She was smashed out of her skull and you'd just left town. Show her a few superpowers and she's anybody's! Fly her around, a bit of the old heat vision and she was like putty in my hands.
Superman: Nooooo!
Zod: And she was dirty. She loved it.
Lex Luther: You've got him on the ropes, Zoddy baby.
Zod: Stop calling me that!
And there you have it. Superpowered child explained, Superman's character redeemed, and a less shit film all round.
I swear, I should be in Hollywood.
The big problem that any sequel will have to tackle is that the delightful tow-headed moppet who trundles around behind Lois Lane is in fact The Son of Superman. The is a problem for two reasons:
a) That Superman got an eighteen year old knocked up and then left town for five years. As behaviour of a paragon of truth and justice, this seems, to say the least, out of character. Whilst this sort of thing is fine in a Stevenage nightclub, and there is an established literary precedent for Supes and Lois getting together, I think that anyone with any sensitivity for the character of Superman feels that there's something wrong with him going wham bam thank you ma'am and then getting the hell out of Dodge to avoid alimony payments.
b) That any dramatic tension in scenes featuring Lois is lost. When your kid can catch bullets, shoot laser beams from his eyes and fly faster than light, being threatened by Tommy-gun wielding goons suddenly seems somewhat less of a challenge.
Now how will the sequel deal with these problems? I have a potential solution, which would not only re-establish Superman's character but also introduce yet more soap-opera style interpersonal drama which Hollywood seems to love so much.
The scene:
General Zod (Played by Terence Stamp, who's still got it): Kneel before Zod!
Superman (Heroic): Never!
Zod: Your girlfriend did...
Superman: What?!
Zod: You didn't think that kid was yours, did you? You can't get a girl pregnant by holding hands, you idiot!
Superman But mom always told me that mummies and daddies hold hands in a very special way and...
Zod: Ha! Imbecile! Girls always fancy the bad guy more. I met her in a bar in the Bowery. She was smashed out of her skull and you'd just left town. Show her a few superpowers and she's anybody's! Fly her around, a bit of the old heat vision and she was like putty in my hands.
Superman: Nooooo!
Zod: And she was dirty. She loved it.
Lex Luther: You've got him on the ropes, Zoddy baby.
Zod: Stop calling me that!
And there you have it. Superpowered child explained, Superman's character redeemed, and a less shit film all round.
I swear, I should be in Hollywood.
