How the Messiah stole Christmas

Well, it's coming up to that time of year again. The lights are up on Oxford Street, the thundering hordes are rushing to buy presents, and we'll soon be hearing from every pagan and their dog that Christmas is actually a pagan festival that has been stolen.
The way it's told it sounds like two thousand years ago, Jesus, dressed in a domino mask and carrying a bag marked "swag", broke into every other religion and nicked their festivals before nipping away into the night whilst laughing like The Hooded Claw.
When you think about it, though, it's not really surprising that the early pagans queued up to convert. With Christianity in charge of the midwinter festival, the worst that you can expect is a touch of indigestion, James Bond films on the telly and a rather nasty knitted jumper off your aunt. When the druids were running the show the worst you could expect was ritual disembowelling to make sure the sun came up tomorrow.
Put like that, I think the druids had a pretty rough proposition, PR-wise.

The question is, if the pagans hadn't been foolish enough to leave their festivals visible on the back seat of their car when Jesus was walking past, would the midwinter festival still have been the jolly singsong it is now?
Of course it would:

On the twelfth day of Yuletide,
Odin sent to me
Twelve Einherjar feasting
Eleven vikings raiding
Ten Valkyrie Reaping
Nine annual sacrifices
Eight legged horses
Seven Aesir sons
Six swords of Wayland
Five andvaranaut*!
Four grazing stags
Three weaving norns
Two ravens
And a hanged god in the world tree.


And for the celts...

Lughdolph the silver-handed
Had a very shiney hand
And if you ever saw it,
You would have to "that's grand!"
All of the other Tuatha De
used to laugh and call him names
But they all knew deep down
That was just to hide their shame.
Then one foggy yuletide eve
Cuchulain came to say
"Lughdolph with your hand so bright
Won't you come and slay Fomors tonight?"
Then all the Tuatha De loved him
And they start to dance and sing:
Lughdolph the silver handed
Won't you come and be our king?


^{*That's the gold ring of the ring cycle, trivia fans.}