Things would have been so different with alcopops.

A friend of mine is a history teacher who has a fairly hands-on approach to learning about the past. For example, noting that for a long time it was common practise to drink 'small beer' for breakfast, he set about brewing his own and drinking it for breakfast himself to see what the effects would be.
He says that he's not sure about the quality of his teaching, but the days simply flew by.

This thing is, for a huge amount of human history, it wasn't safe to drink the water and as things like tea (and boiled water to make it) or the germ theory of disease weren't available the only liquid that could be safely drunk was anything with alcohol in it.
This leads to one inescapable conclusion: for the vast proportion of human history, everyone in the world was completely hammered pretty much all the time. When you think about it in that light, most of history suddenly makes a great deal more sense.

Great plastered moments in history

Centurion: But Julius! If we cross the Rubicon, then it means civil war with Rome!
Julius: Ah jus'...jus' wanna get me coat. Lef' me coat in Rome. Jus' let me back in to get me coat. Don' wan' no trouble. Jus' coat.


Sailor: Um...Chris? Aren't the Indies that way?
Columbus: Lissen. I know wha'...wha'... I'm goin that way. Good navigator, me. Good navi...That way. I can read a map. Good Navigator.


Cavalryman: Gosh. That's a lot of Indians, isn't it? Let's keep our heads down, eh?
Custer: C'mon yer fu...fu...fu...bastids! Yer all puffs! Puffs! I'll tek yer all! C'mon! Think yer hard do yer? C'mon!


Marshal Ney: Mon Empereur? If the attack upon Moscow is not a success, how shall we return the army to France safely?
Napoleon: Easy! We shall simply 'op upon ze beer scooter and be 'ome for morning, with a kebab, a traffic cone and a policewoman's helmet!