Shakespeare

When I was doing my English A-level, one subject which came up repeatedly was just how great Shakespeare is, all the words, meanings and phrases now in common parlance he invented, the way he spoke to the people and understood them, and so on. Eventually, my English teacher would get so carried away with this subject that he would drop to the floor in paroxysms of Shakespeare-love and have to be carried away for a cup of tea and a nice sit down until he stopped foaming.
Being a contrary little sod, this sort of thing put me off Shakespeare for years.

One thing that he suggested was that if Shakespeare were writing now he wouldn't be writing for the stage - instead with his mastery of plot and drama, plus that common touch, he'd be writing for the Soap Operas. Eastenders was mentioned. I wasn't convinced. The slack-jawed mooing and incest of Albert Square even then struck me as a little beneath the Bard of Avon.
However, what if there were something in this? Perhaps William would indeed be subsumed into popular culture? Would he be writing for the Soap Operas now?
Of course not - he'd be an editor for Big Brother.

William Shakespeare, Channel 4 television & Endemol present: Big Lear

Big Lear
Meantime we shall express our darker purpose.
Give me the map there. Know that we have divided
In three our house: and 'tis our fast intent
To confer it on the housemates.
Tell me, my three housemates,--
Since now we will evict us of one of thee,
Which of you shall we say doth love our sponsors most,
That we our largest bounty may extend
Where nature doth with merit challenge?
Goneril,
Our eldest-born, speak first.

Goneril
Sir, I love their products more than words can wield the matter;
Dearer than eye-sight, space, and liberty;
Beyond what can be valued, rich or rare;
No less than life, with grace, health, beauty, honour;
As much as child e'er loved, or father found;
A love that makes breath poor, and speech unable;
Beyond all manner of so much I love Virgin Media.

Big Lear
We make thee immune to eviction this night,
And until Thursday be this perpetual.
What says our second housemate, Regan? Speak.

Regan
Sir, I am made
Of the selfsame mettle as my housemate,
And prize me 12mb broadband. In my true heart
I find she names my very deed of love;
Only she comes too short: that I profess
Myself an enemy to all other media providers,
Which the most precious square of sense possesses.

Big Lear
To thee and thine hereditary ever
Remain this ample third of our fair house,
No less in space, validity, and pleasure
Than that conferr'd on Goneril. Now, our joy,
Although our last and least to whose young love
The vines of France and milk of Burgundy
Strive to be interest; what can you say to draw
A third more opulent than your sisters? Speak.

Jade Goody
Na-a-aaa-aaaa, Yer can see me kebab.

Big Lear
Go to, go to Jade? Mend your speech a little,
Lest it may result in eviction.

Jade Goody
I'm not racist or nuffinck, right, but I'm not staying in a house with that darky Othello.

Big Lear
Thou'rt racist, and our ratings are dropping
And for that offence immediately we do we evict thee hence:
I have an interest in our sponsorship cash,
Damaged thus by your foolishness and gash;
But I'll exict you with so strong a disclaim
That none might say 'twas to Channel 4's shame:
I will be deaf to pleading and excuses;
Nor tears nor prayers shall purchase out abuses,
Therefore use none: let Jade hence in haste.


Next on Big Lear: New housemate Cesario has a surprising secret! Tune in tomorrow!