That's it, I'm going into the drugs trade.

Back when I was at university I was pretty much unique in my social circle in that I never experimented with drugs. There were two reason for it, really. Firstly, I saw how people on E or draw acted and decided that if that's what they'd make me into then I'd pass, thanks, and secondly I was dissuaded by the illegality. Not because I didn't want to do anything illegal, don't get me wrong. I gleefully do illegal things al the time, but the problem with narcotics are the commensurates of that illegality. For example, I know plenty of people who won't buy anything made by Nestle because their marketing policies in the third world are somewhat outrageous, but who have no problem with cocaine despite it being pretty much unarguable that FARC and the cartels who produce cocaine are almost certainly worse than Nestle. Personally I never saw much difference in sweatshops being used to make clothes and Fuerzas Armadas Revolucionarias de Colombia rounding Columbian peasants up at gunpoint to work as slaves in the coca plantations, but maybe I'm just an old liberal softy.

The global market in illegal narcotics is estimated to be the seond largest market in the world after the arms trade, and so given the whopping amounts of loot sloshing around out there I've always wondered how I can get my hands on some of that moolah without, you know, having to deal in actual drugs. It's one of those problems which sits in the back of my mind - how can I sell drugs and make huge profits without actually selling any drugs?

Anyway, over the weekend the solution hit me like a bus: Homeopathy.

If you sell homepathic remedies you can make any claims you like without your remedy having to contian a single molecule of what you put on the packaging, and so if you can have homepathic arnica or extract of willow bark then why not Homeopathic Heroin or Homeopathic Crystal Meth? The power of suggestion will do the rest - and it's all perfectly legal! I can see the Advertising now.

Homeopathic Acid:
Moonchild Crystalheart, Hippy, says: "Man, I've never had a trip like the one I did on Homeopthic Acid. In fact, I never had a trip at all".

Homeopathic Cocaine:
Dickie Bleasley, Advertising Account Manager, says: "When I've got to make a bit presentation for an FMCG Account, I sharpen up with Homeopathic Cocaine. Crushing the sugar pill and snorting it gives me an instant high!"

Homeopathic Speed:
Tracey Guttersnipe, 16, says "When me an' me mates are offaht on tahn to pull in Ritzys, 'omeopaffic speed keeps us dancin' rahnd our 'andbags no matter 'ow long it takes to cop off wiv someone."

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to make my fortune.