Those election night headlines in full

Libdems gain nothing in massive 0% swing
"This proves there is strong support for our policy of electoral reform amongst the British people", says party which came third with fewer seats than last time.

Thousands denied drinks as pubs unexpectedly close exactly when they say they will
"It's a disgrace", said a stupid man from Salford. "I got to the pub before last orders, but they refused to serve me when I went to the bar after closing time." When asked why he hadn't got off his fat arse and gone to the pub earlier, he replied "I was out voting heavily with my friends all day. I just popped into the pub on my way home from the polling station."

Huge oil discovery in the Falkland Islands
"If the Argentinians don't kick off a fight to win me the next election now I'll be bloody disappointed", says David Cameron.

Early humans "Definitely mated with Neanderthals"
"What's so bad about that?" asks Sarah Brown.

Hung parliament means Conservatives "Will work with the Ulster Unionists"
Ian Paisley to be next culture secretary.

"Vote Labour to keep the Tories out. Unless we do a deal with them, obviously."

Gordon Brown just indicated his willingness to form a coalition government with the Conservatives.

You really couldn't make this stuff up. It's ace.