The bumper book of bad porn
Aug. 5th, 2002 01:56 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
davywavyA friend of mine writes pornography for a living under the name Penny Birch .She’s very popular, and has a large fanbase, and you can buy her books off Amazon and everything.
Now, I’ve not really been a huge fan of porn ever since I was 16 –17 when I did a stylistic analysis of the letter pages of one of my gentlemen’s magazines and discovered that the likelihood was that all the letters had been written by the same person (possibly Neil Gaiman, who apparently started his writing career with Paul Raymond Publications, something he keeps very quiet about these days). However, one of the great jobs that Penny gets to do is to act as reader for the unsolicited porn that her publishers get sent. And that’s what brings me on to bad porn. Gloriously bad porn, which occasionally I get to read or hear about.
I mean, what sort of person can write the line “He seized upon her nipple like a hungry squid seizing its prey”, and find it erotic?
There is the man who sends her publishers a single sheet of handwritten porn about once every few weeks – presumably it will one day be a book, but until then they’re going to have to wait until September to find out where he put his…
Then – and this is my personal favourite – there is the man who sends them manuscripts about a single man living on his own in a run-down bedsit. He has no job, no money, he’s fat and unattractive…but he’s got a huge cock , and that’s all that it really takes to make a real man and a success. This is written as a running internal monologue, and it is, predictably, unintentionally hilarious. What makes this even worse is that the guy sending this stuff also sends the publishers threatening letters, claiming they owe him huge royalties.
I have suggested that the publishers issue the very worst of the submissions they receive in a Christmas-present-timed tome – “The Bumper Book of Bad Porn”. That way, everyone can read how he “…shoved his pork sword into her steaming gash…”, and how “…her nipples hopped to tumescence at the sight of his…”, or my personal favourite “She was wearing one of her red dresses that showed off her breasts. She had five of them…” Breasts? Or dresses?
After reading this stuff, I’m often laughing too much to care.
Oh, and if you want to read good porn, read Pennys books. Recommending them is the least I can do.
Now, I’ve not really been a huge fan of porn ever since I was 16 –17 when I did a stylistic analysis of the letter pages of one of my gentlemen’s magazines and discovered that the likelihood was that all the letters had been written by the same person (possibly Neil Gaiman, who apparently started his writing career with Paul Raymond Publications, something he keeps very quiet about these days). However, one of the great jobs that Penny gets to do is to act as reader for the unsolicited porn that her publishers get sent. And that’s what brings me on to bad porn. Gloriously bad porn, which occasionally I get to read or hear about.
I mean, what sort of person can write the line “He seized upon her nipple like a hungry squid seizing its prey”, and find it erotic?
There is the man who sends her publishers a single sheet of handwritten porn about once every few weeks – presumably it will one day be a book, but until then they’re going to have to wait until September to find out where he put his…
Then – and this is my personal favourite – there is the man who sends them manuscripts about a single man living on his own in a run-down bedsit. He has no job, no money, he’s fat and unattractive…but he’s got a huge cock , and that’s all that it really takes to make a real man and a success. This is written as a running internal monologue, and it is, predictably, unintentionally hilarious. What makes this even worse is that the guy sending this stuff also sends the publishers threatening letters, claiming they owe him huge royalties.
I have suggested that the publishers issue the very worst of the submissions they receive in a Christmas-present-timed tome – “The Bumper Book of Bad Porn”. That way, everyone can read how he “…shoved his pork sword into her steaming gash…”, and how “…her nipples hopped to tumescence at the sight of his…”, or my personal favourite “She was wearing one of her red dresses that showed off her breasts. She had five of them…” Breasts? Or dresses?
After reading this stuff, I’m often laughing too much to care.
Oh, and if you want to read good porn, read Pennys books. Recommending them is the least I can do.
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So did Mystic Meg.
Date: 2002-08-05 06:02 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-08-05 06:11 am (UTC)Gave me a right giggle, that did.
no subject
Date: 2002-08-05 06:15 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-08-05 06:18 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-08-05 06:38 am (UTC)oh, what a wonderful job... :)
& you know, i'd buy the bumper book of bad porn...
no subject
Date: 2002-08-05 06:50 am (UTC)Porn...when it's good, it's OK
When it's bad, it's hilarious :)
Re:
Date: 2002-08-05 08:19 am (UTC)thank god so much porn is bad.
no subject
Date: 2002-08-05 08:22 am (UTC)