Underworld: Evolution (Edited)
Jan. 29th, 2006 10:36 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
davywavyI’d warn you of plot spoilers, were it possible to spoil the plot.
Several people on my friends list have written reviews of Underworld:Evolution which indicated that it is not complete cobblers and actually has some redeeming features. Influenced by that, I took some time off from vital Quake IV playing and went to the cinema this evening to see it.
To those people who said that U:E wasn’t a shocking waste of time and money, I have a question: how much are Sony pictures paying you, and how can I get on the payroll too?
It isn’t every day that a film manages to completely undermine it’s credibility before the credits have finished rolling, but UE manages it; in the opening Basil Exposition narration, we’re informed that two brothers, Marcus and William Corvinus became, respectively, the first vampire and the first werewolf when they were bitten by a bat and a wolf.
That alone was enough to make me raise a hand in confusion and say ‘Now just hang on a minute…”. After all, my brother and I have been bitten by animals (me by a rabbit and him by a dog), but as yet neither of us have exhibited any supernatural powers*. It begs the question – just exactly what was going on in the Corvinus household? And did the social services know? Did their parents not notice something was up when one son was bitten?
“Darling, Marcus has been bitten by a bat and started drinking people’s blood – what should we do?”
“Nothing to worry about, dear. Pop William in the wolf pen tonight as usual.”
“What about the radioactive wolves?”
“Don’t worry, they don’t bite.”
Or perhaps they just had a really bad day at the petting zoo.
Anyway, this bit on nonsense out of the way, we’re quickly into flashback-zone as a bunch of vampires fight some werewolves in that Hollywood version of the middle ages where everyone has great hair and teeth and they wear armour like the LOTR’s elves mated with Genghis Khan. Bill Nighy (the first film’s villain) makes a welcome but brief return, capturing the Lupine William Corvinus and imprisoning him and with that the flashback ends and we’re into the main feature – set immediately after the end of the first film. Kate Beckinsale and her immediately forgettable love-interest are on the run after killing the top vampire, whilst Marcus Corvinus (the new villain) is waking up from a lengthy vampire-nap and killing all the other vampires. Marcus, you see, wants to rescue his werewolf brother from imprisonment. Why? We’re not told and if you’re the sort of person who needs to ask why anyone would want to let a ravening, inhuman, immortal, indestructable, uncontrollable monster out of it's cage then you plainly aren’t the sort of person this film is aimed at.
Bill Nighy, it seems, kept a key to William’s prison. Like you would. I mean, if you’re going to lock up a monster for all eternity, you’d keep a key to the prison about the place, wouldn’t you? Just in case you got killed and a lunatic wanted to let it out.
Kate Beckinsale, as the only surviving vampire other than Marcus just happens to know the location of this prison. So the meat of the film ensues – a lengthy chase/fight sequence in which Kate fights off a succession of special effects whilst disproving what goth girls in nightclub toilets have been telling me for years: that’s it’s impossible to bend like that whilst you’re wearing a corset.
About two thirds of the way through, Derek Jacobi - Sir Derek Jacobi – shows up. He, it turns out, is Alexander Corvinus, the father of Marcus and William and he’s immortal too. He wasn’t bitten by anything, he’s just immortal. It turns out that immortality involves living on an old ship wearing LARP costumes and associating with the world’s only outrageously camp special forces soldiers,** so it’s unsurprising that he wants to die just as soon as the script and his contract will let him. Derek refuses to kill his sons despite being powerful enough to do so, and so he’s eventually knocked off by Marcus – and I’m betting the look of relief on his face wasn’t feigned. Kate Beckinsale drinks some of his blood to become an even more powerful vampire or something. This part was a bit unclear. Like much of the rest of the script. And the cutting in the fight scenes, of which there is a lot.
Finally, Marcus has the key to and the locations of William’s prison – it turns out to be in a ruined castle on an island in the middle of a lake. I don’t know about you, but if I wanted to imprison a ravening monster for ever I’d put it somewhere that nobody would be likely to go, but fortunately this is the sort of ruined castle with no tourists or gift shop.
The prison is behind a huge lowered stone block in a secret room – which has a hole in the roof. Considering the time and trouble that everyone went to over this damn key, you’d think that someone might have thought leaving a hole in the roof was a bit, you know, utterly fucking stupid. Fortunately, nobody except the audience notices this hole as the flying Vampire Marcus is locked in for a while and he doesn’t use it to escape.
Anyway, the film ends with a group of easily-interchangeable CGI characters fighting each other, gay Special Forces troops die by the dozen (I comforted myself with the thought of the two in the crashing helicopter sharing one last kiss as they plummeted to earth***), the villains die in ways that I’m sure untold thousands of 14-year-old White Wolf fans will think is real kewl, and Kate Beckinsale and immediately forgettable love interest live happily every after. The End. And not a moment too soon.
Oh, there’s a sex scene in this film in which Kate Beckinsale gets her kit off.
Do not get me started on the sex scene. It really, really isn’t worth it. Suffice to say that you’ll spend your time better closing your eyes, putting your fingers in your ears and whistling for the duration. Really. I like sex scenes. I’m single. Of course I like sex scenes. But this one…oh, dear.
*If I were to gain uncanny, rabbit-like powers I wouldn’t be complaining, believe me.
**I’m not kidding about the soldiers. Every last one of them sounds like Bruce Forsyth. I know that there’s pressure to let gays into the military, but this is really taking it too far.
***I almost said ‘as they go down’, there, but I thought that was beneath me.
Several people on my friends list have written reviews of Underworld:Evolution which indicated that it is not complete cobblers and actually has some redeeming features. Influenced by that, I took some time off from vital Quake IV playing and went to the cinema this evening to see it.
To those people who said that U:E wasn’t a shocking waste of time and money, I have a question: how much are Sony pictures paying you, and how can I get on the payroll too?
It isn’t every day that a film manages to completely undermine it’s credibility before the credits have finished rolling, but UE manages it; in the opening Basil Exposition narration, we’re informed that two brothers, Marcus and William Corvinus became, respectively, the first vampire and the first werewolf when they were bitten by a bat and a wolf.
That alone was enough to make me raise a hand in confusion and say ‘Now just hang on a minute…”. After all, my brother and I have been bitten by animals (me by a rabbit and him by a dog), but as yet neither of us have exhibited any supernatural powers*. It begs the question – just exactly what was going on in the Corvinus household? And did the social services know? Did their parents not notice something was up when one son was bitten?
“Darling, Marcus has been bitten by a bat and started drinking people’s blood – what should we do?”
“Nothing to worry about, dear. Pop William in the wolf pen tonight as usual.”
“What about the radioactive wolves?”
“Don’t worry, they don’t bite.”
Or perhaps they just had a really bad day at the petting zoo.
Anyway, this bit on nonsense out of the way, we’re quickly into flashback-zone as a bunch of vampires fight some werewolves in that Hollywood version of the middle ages where everyone has great hair and teeth and they wear armour like the LOTR’s elves mated with Genghis Khan. Bill Nighy (the first film’s villain) makes a welcome but brief return, capturing the Lupine William Corvinus and imprisoning him and with that the flashback ends and we’re into the main feature – set immediately after the end of the first film. Kate Beckinsale and her immediately forgettable love-interest are on the run after killing the top vampire, whilst Marcus Corvinus (the new villain) is waking up from a lengthy vampire-nap and killing all the other vampires. Marcus, you see, wants to rescue his werewolf brother from imprisonment. Why? We’re not told and if you’re the sort of person who needs to ask why anyone would want to let a ravening, inhuman, immortal, indestructable, uncontrollable monster out of it's cage then you plainly aren’t the sort of person this film is aimed at.
Bill Nighy, it seems, kept a key to William’s prison. Like you would. I mean, if you’re going to lock up a monster for all eternity, you’d keep a key to the prison about the place, wouldn’t you? Just in case you got killed and a lunatic wanted to let it out.
Kate Beckinsale, as the only surviving vampire other than Marcus just happens to know the location of this prison. So the meat of the film ensues – a lengthy chase/fight sequence in which Kate fights off a succession of special effects whilst disproving what goth girls in nightclub toilets have been telling me for years: that’s it’s impossible to bend like that whilst you’re wearing a corset.
About two thirds of the way through, Derek Jacobi - Sir Derek Jacobi – shows up. He, it turns out, is Alexander Corvinus, the father of Marcus and William and he’s immortal too. He wasn’t bitten by anything, he’s just immortal. It turns out that immortality involves living on an old ship wearing LARP costumes and associating with the world’s only outrageously camp special forces soldiers,** so it’s unsurprising that he wants to die just as soon as the script and his contract will let him. Derek refuses to kill his sons despite being powerful enough to do so, and so he’s eventually knocked off by Marcus – and I’m betting the look of relief on his face wasn’t feigned. Kate Beckinsale drinks some of his blood to become an even more powerful vampire or something. This part was a bit unclear. Like much of the rest of the script. And the cutting in the fight scenes, of which there is a lot.
Finally, Marcus has the key to and the locations of William’s prison – it turns out to be in a ruined castle on an island in the middle of a lake. I don’t know about you, but if I wanted to imprison a ravening monster for ever I’d put it somewhere that nobody would be likely to go, but fortunately this is the sort of ruined castle with no tourists or gift shop.
The prison is behind a huge lowered stone block in a secret room – which has a hole in the roof. Considering the time and trouble that everyone went to over this damn key, you’d think that someone might have thought leaving a hole in the roof was a bit, you know, utterly fucking stupid. Fortunately, nobody except the audience notices this hole as the flying Vampire Marcus is locked in for a while and he doesn’t use it to escape.
Anyway, the film ends with a group of easily-interchangeable CGI characters fighting each other, gay Special Forces troops die by the dozen (I comforted myself with the thought of the two in the crashing helicopter sharing one last kiss as they plummeted to earth***), the villains die in ways that I’m sure untold thousands of 14-year-old White Wolf fans will think is real kewl, and Kate Beckinsale and immediately forgettable love interest live happily every after. The End. And not a moment too soon.
Oh, there’s a sex scene in this film in which Kate Beckinsale gets her kit off.
Do not get me started on the sex scene. It really, really isn’t worth it. Suffice to say that you’ll spend your time better closing your eyes, putting your fingers in your ears and whistling for the duration. Really. I like sex scenes. I’m single. Of course I like sex scenes. But this one…oh, dear.
*If I were to gain uncanny, rabbit-like powers I wouldn’t be complaining, believe me.
**I’m not kidding about the soldiers. Every last one of them sounds like Bruce Forsyth. I know that there’s pressure to let gays into the military, but this is really taking it too far.
***I almost said ‘as they go down’, there, but I thought that was beneath me.
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no subject
As for bad sex scenes, I see your Vampire-Kate Beckingsale and raise you a Match Point-Scarlett Johansson for sexual poverty.
Shush Penfold
Date: 2006-01-29 11:02 pm (UTC)Re: Shush Penfold
Date: 2006-01-30 08:32 am (UTC)Re: Shush Penfold
Date: 2006-01-30 11:12 am (UTC)Re: Shush Penfold
Date: 2006-01-30 06:17 pm (UTC)Re: Shush Penfold
Date: 2006-01-30 09:33 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-01-29 11:24 pm (UTC)Ah, well. I really enjoyed it ;-)
no subject
Date: 2006-01-30 12:41 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-01-30 12:45 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-01-30 12:26 am (UTC)(Checks bank balance)
Yep, I really enjoyed the film and every should go and see it - twice!
(Checks bank balance again - begins to wonder when the Sony payment is arriving...)
hmmm, ok. I still enjoyed the film but will perfectly agree there were certain flaws in it, it certainly didn't merit an 18 certificate and it won't be to everyone's taste!
no subject
Date: 2006-01-30 08:36 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-01-30 02:13 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-01-30 08:31 am (UTC)Completely off topic.
Date: 2006-01-30 03:14 am (UTC)Re: Completely off topic.
Date: 2006-01-30 08:19 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-01-30 09:17 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-01-30 09:30 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-01-30 09:31 am (UTC)***BLINK****
Date: 2006-01-30 10:51 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-01-30 09:49 am (UTC)Kate Beckinsale's forgettable lover (Scott Speedman) is in fact her real life ex-lover and the father of her baby. The director of this abomination
*lawsuit flies through letterbox on WW stationery*
is in fact her new lover and fiancee.
Admittedly, it's no Carrie Fisher and Harrison Ford, or even Tony Curtis and Marylin Monroe, but I thought it might have added a certain piquancy to the film.
no subject
Date: 2006-01-30 09:57 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-01-30 01:52 pm (UTC)The one rule these films seem to have is: The more powerful the supernatural creature, the worse the facial jair.
no subject
Date: 2006-01-30 01:57 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-01-30 11:21 am (UTC)More evidence
Date: 2006-01-30 02:45 pm (UTC)I would rather.... jump into a pit of snarling pitbulls trained to slowly rip the throats out of 5'8", 11 stone, blonde haired, blue eyed American women named Tiffany than watch any part of that movie.
I fell asleep during the first one.
Re: More evidence
Date: 2006-01-30 02:48 pm (UTC)Poor, poor Derek Jacobi.
Still, he can point at laugh at Ben Kingsley as he was in both Bloodrayne and Thunderbirds.
Re: More evidence
Date: 2006-01-30 03:36 pm (UTC)Re: More evidence
Date: 2006-01-30 03:38 pm (UTC)Re: More evidence
Date: 2006-01-30 03:52 pm (UTC)Ah well. White space is good right?
Re: More evidence
Date: 2006-01-30 04:34 pm (UTC)