[Politics] David writes to the Labour Party

[davywavy]

A while ago, before the recent local elections, there was a man standing at my nearby railway station canvassing and collecting for one of the myriad lefty splinter parties - something like the Revolutionary Workers Against Top Hat-Wearing Plutocrats Party, a cause which, obviously enough, isn't close to my heart. However, he waved a collecting tin at me and so I tossed a few coins in. This was obviously a rare expecience for him and he beamed at me. "Can we rely on your vote?", he asked.
Biting back a questions along the lines of "If you're a worker, why aren't you at work?" I politely replied that sadly, he couldn't.
"Who will you be voting for?"
"Umm...Conservative. Or Green. Or both if there's a transferrable vote system."
He looked surprised, and asked me why I was giving him money as I was plainly the very top-hatted plutocrat which he so despised.
"Well, I believe that strong opposition to any incumbent power is essential for healthy democracy and so I think it's a duty to materially support opposing ideologies to which I disagree. In the same way, I'd expect any Socialist who believed in Democracy to occasionally make small donations to the Conservative Party."
The expression on his face was worth a couple of quid of anyone's money.

I was reminded of this little exchange this morning, and resolved to do something about it. After all, in order for democracy to function and flourish, it is important to engage politically with not only those viewpoints with which one agrees, but also with those that one disagrees with. Long-term readers might recall I've occasionally written to the Conservatives on points of policy and it sturck me that I ought to write occasionally to the government, too. After recent difficulties, the government would be glad of any show of support, and so this morning I used the 'Contact us' function on their website to write to them.

Dear Sir/Madam.
In the light of the recent cabinet reshuffle, and the accusations of cronyism and sleaze which have followed it, I would like to formally tender my application for the post of Deputy Prime Minister. Having listened to the Today Programme this morning, on which it was outlined that the responsibilities of the John Prescott as DPM are now limited solely to chairing cabinet meetings and 'pushing through policy', I feel that I could admirably fill this post. I have considerable experience in chairing meetings at a senior business level which would stand me in good stead in this role.
Moreover, I am half Mr. Prescott's age and considerably fitter, and so would be able to fulfill his non-ministerial responsibilities of shagging, punching and pie-eating with greater energy than he is able.
As an incentive to encourage you to seriously consider my application for this role, I would not only be willing to accept half of Mr. Prescott's current salary of £133,997 (thus freeing up money to pay for nurses and policemen), but I would also make do with only one grace-and-favour house and one Jaguar. I would also solemnly undertake to have no more than one conjugal partner at any time, irrespective of how this may affect my social life.

I hope that the above application is of interest, and await your response.

Yours, etc.

I'll let you lot know what, if any, reply I get.

And so, a poll:
[Poll #725349]

Comments

[miss-s-b.livejournal.com]

* notes David's high opinion of his own shagging prowess *

* sniggers *

Any man with such a high opinion of his own talents is clearly delusional... :P

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

I defer to your superior knowledge of Mr Prescott's abilities betweeen the sheets.

[miss-s-b.livejournal.com]

* shrug *

Just because I think you're likely to be worse, doesn't mean I think he's any good.

[karohemd.livejournal.com]

*badaboom-dish*

[robinbloke.livejournal.com]

Actually; I'll give him this one. In a choice between Dave and Prescott, you'd choose Prescott? ;)

[miss-s-b.livejournal.com]

In a choice between Dave and Prescott, and assuming I HAD to choose one and wasn't allowed to choose a convenient shotgun to blow my own head off, I'd choose whichever one of the horrifying prospects would earn me the most money from selling my story to the tabloids.

[tooth-fairy.livejournal.com]

poor Dave

he's not that hideous you know

[miss-s-b.livejournal.com]

* shrug *

He's a man. A good 99% of them are pretty unattractive, and my idea of attractiveness is not what you'd call normal... But it's a fairly safe bet that he falls into the 99%, along with Prescott and many others.

Besides, does he really expect someone who's never shagged him to compare him favourably than someone ELSE she's never shagged? Fishing for compliments rarely ends in success if you're fishing in my waters.

[tooth-fairy.livejournal.com]

you're a hard woman :p

[miss-s-b.livejournal.com]

Aye, lass, I'm from Yorksher! :P

[tooth-fairy.livejournal.com]

Too be fair, he did only say he would be better because he was younger and fitter...that's likely to be true.

[ditzy-pole.livejournal.com]

So is he... does that mean he's allowed to reciprocate in the 'flattery'? :oP

[miss-s-b.livejournal.com]

Sure. One should never tease if one can't take teasing in return.

[puddingcat.livejournal.com]

Oh, dear lord (no, not you, David), I'm discovering previously untapped vats of willpower here.

Can I just claim that I've done (possibly exceeded, actually) my fair share of "chubby Yorkshireman" & leave it (hurriedly) at that?

[tooth-fairy.livejournal.com]

*snort*

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

Good heavens, you aren't one of Prescott's women as well, are you?

[puddingcat.livejournal.com]

In all honesty, I'd rather see your brother naked. And covered in cheese.

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

Wouldn't we all? Mmm-mm

[(Anonymous)]

I can do marmite, but cheese brings my excema out.

[puddingcat.livejournal.com]

Mmm, cheesy flaky bits.

[(Anonymous)]

He doesn't actually claim to a better lover than Prescott in his email, you note - just more energetic.

In strictly medical terms this doesn't seem improbable.

H

[robinbloke.livejournal.com]

Ah the tabloids; bastions of finance.

[tooth-fairy.livejournal.com]

He's got to be better than Prescott, I mean, how good can Prescott be?

*feels sick just thinking about it*

[robinbloke.livejournal.com]

Quality quality email, but you did forget to mention your ninja qualifications in respect to beating up journalists.

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

Damnit. I can't send another. I'll mention it if they ask for my CV.

[robinbloke.livejournal.com]

Ninja qualifications

"Have watched every chuck norris movie, can quote enter the dragon at will, master of all 8 forms of sushi eating and black belt in bonsai and origami."

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

I can recite the entire dialogue of Jean Claude Van Damme's Bloodsport. Including the song.

[robinbloke.livejournal.com]

I couldn't remember which of them you knew by rote! I need to see that with you sometime :)

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

You need godzuki as well.

[robinbloke.livejournal.com]

Or we organise a lads weekend of beer and violence films with paintball too :)

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

Rar!

[tooth-fairy.livejournal.com]

no more than one conjugal partner at any time

Considering you have no conjugal partners at the moment are you hoping that this will be a perk of the job? If so did you have anyone in mind?

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

Nobody in particular in mind, but I was planning to hold auditions.

[tooth-fairy.livejournal.com]

A bit like 'pop idol'?

That gives me an idea!

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

"Pop shot idol"

It's the new reality TV porn star show!

Re: That gives me an idea!

[tooth-fairy.livejournal.com]

I'm just a font of inspiration me

Re: That gives me an idea!

[jonnyargles.livejournal.com]

Fat bird; you're fired.

Er, in about six seconds' time.

[medusa-nw.livejournal.com]

I voted on all of those. Have you looked at John Prescott? I'm surprised he can get out of bed in the mornings!

Actually, now that I think about it, can I take back 'eating pies'?

[mrmmarc.livejournal.com]

So the question is...

Just how GOOD is prescott in bed?
I mean, can you imagine?

You should.
We all should.

Revulsion is good for the soul.

I feel dirty now.

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

I thought you felt dirty all the time, you little minx.

[gwaunquest.livejournal.com]

If they read your other LJ stuff they'll know you're a conservative infiltrator - so that should stand you in good stead to get the job. You're bound to do less harm than their own party members.