In nomine patris, and all that jazz

[davywavy]

Seeing as it's Friday, and everyone skives on Friday, I thought I'd convert to the Holy Church of Rome for the day. Not only that, but I've also joined the College of Cardinals, The Priory of Sion, the Jesuits, Opus Dei and The Inquisition.
Why have I done this, you ask? It's so I can bring spiritual succour to you lot.

That's right. For today only, I'm offering Father David's Discount Confessional. Confess to me your sins, and I shall give you a penance. Once you've confessed your sins, why not confess some other people's to me as well? I can guarantee that the sanctity of the confessional will be observed*.
Just think. If you're hit by a bus on the way home tonight, thanks to Father David's Discount Confessional, you'll be free of sin and guaranteed a place upstairs.

Right. Who's first?

^{*And I don't reckon anyone really reads my comments list, so you'll be fine. Don't worry.}

Comments

[robinbloke.livejournal.com]

Bless me father David, for I have sinned.
Quite a lot really.
I have never confessed. I have broken all but three of the commandments, two if I could be bothered to make a false idol - does that count?
I have been lewd in thought, word and deed as often as humanly possible. At my prior residence I have coverted my neighbours ass when she was bending over gardening and enjoyed every moment.
I have worshipped graven images of vodka bottles and revelled in their emptyness.
I have stolen hearts and minds.
I have made the air blue from my naughty words.
I have partied, drunk, worked and been lewd on the Sabbath and generally been an example of a degenerate.

Horah for me.

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

Faith, but you're as heinous a sinner as it's been my unhappy fate to meet!
As penance, you must wear a toothed band around your leg and murder Tom Hanks.

[tooth-fairy.livejournal.com]

I drank all the wine that I bought for my mum last night...I also ate my brothers soreen loaf.
It is likely that when I get home tonight I will eat all the chocolate in the fridge, non of it is mine.

Apart from in this confessional I will blame Anwen's toys for this.

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

Sweet Mary and Joseph! What sins!
You must say Avogadro's Number of Hail Marys to stand a hope of redemption.

[sea-cucumber.livejournal.com]

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. It has been just under five and a half months since my last confession; these are my sins:
I occasionally get tipsy in church.
I keep forgetting to type up the PCC minutes.
I drink more beer than I should, almost every day.
I covet my duvet far too much...

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

Whilst coveting thy neighbour's duvet is a sin, I'm not sure that coveting your own is banned. The book of Ecclesiates positively encourages people to get a bit tipsy (I usually ignore Proverbs), and so that means your only sin is tardiness in typing.

Hardly going to the fourth circle of Hell for that, now, are we?
Being a priest isn't so exciting that I get out much, you know. Go out and commit some exciting sins.

[breekom.livejournal.com]

Forgive me father, for I have sinned, blah blah blah (not sure about Catholic protocol - I had the misfortune of being raised a born-again Christian [do not fear, I am happily corrupt these days] and therefore was taught to believe that Catholicism is blatantly wrong. Jesus had short hair, don'tcha know)....

Anyway, I have lied to my work about going to physiotherapy on Fridays so I can enjoy a four day week, and I have no intention of revealing this lie, nor rectifying the wrong I do. Also, I found myself reading Heat magazine this week and I enjoyed it.

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

Saints preserve us! What a sinner ye are, to be sure. Why, to overcome sins of this magnitude, there can be no lesser penance than this: you must buy the first round when I next see you.
And may God have mercy upon ye!

[vulgarcriminal.livejournal.com]

Bless me Father for I have sinned. It's been 27 years since my last confession. This is due to my nearly pagan up-bringing as a Presbyterian.

1. I have had murderous thoughts about Diane Abbott and Hazel Blears
2. I have had lustful thoughts about Patrick Stewart and Piers Morgan

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

You had lustful thougts about Piers Morgan?
I think that is punishment enough for any other sins you may have committed.

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

By all the saints! I'm afraid there's no penance going to save you from that lot.
I hereby condemn you to an eternity of sharing a house with Richie and Robin. And let that be a lesson to you.

[nicnac.livejournal.com]

Forgive me father, for I have sinned most grieviously:

I have been entertaining lustful thoughts about people on my LJ friendslist.

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

Oh, and since when has that been a sin? Sounds dandy to me. Keep it up.

[vierkilau.livejournal.com]

Bless me father for I have sinned. I have doubted the word of a priest by poiniting out that Avaogadro's constant is 6 x10^23 not 24

[(Anonymous)]

Little does he know, Father, that none other than the Holy Pope in Rome has now declared Avogadro's Number to be 6 x 10^24 ... this one deserves excommunication if you ask me

H

[kcontheroad.livejournal.com]

Bless me, father, for I have sneezed.

I have . . . what have I done? Oh, that's right. I drove my car on Wednesday to an appointment even though I could have walked. Contributing to global warming is a sin, right?

Um, I've lusted in my heart. And in my bed room. And in my office. And, well, you get the idea.

What else? Well, let's just say I've been a naughty girl. Any chance for a spanking as I don't know the full Hail Mary?

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

A spanking? From Beelzebub, perhaps! With a red-hot poker. For all eternity.
You'd better repent pretty sharpish, you know!

[ukmonty.livejournal.com]

Ruight then you heathen left footer:

I think this comes under the domain of ommission. You see I know something about a friend who was very very naughty once or twice and has told me all about it, and he blushes terribly just at the thought of what I now lknow.

So is it a sin to not share the joy of this knowledge with the world?

I llok forward to your happy and sensible response

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

I think that we should just forget the past and move on. That's what the redemption and forgiveness are all about, isn't it? Letting go of what has past?

[gwaunquest.livejournal.com]

Well, thanks for the offer but I'm perfect. I never sin. Well I can't really because I'm a god and I decide what's sinful and what isn't. For instance I decided adultery is fine because we all need a little variety, but anyone who paints their house pink I strike down with a severe case of piles. Gambling and cheating is fine but beating me at any game isn't.Avarice, Envy, Sloath all have their place in the scheme of things but anyone found taking my last Earl Grey teabag will be struck dead.Cruel but fair.

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

Well, that sounds like not only taking the Lord's name in vain, but also the sin of pride there, young missy. The only penance that will get you out of this one is to send a cheque for £50 marked payable to 'cash' to:
David's Discount Confessional
St David's Church
Davidston
DA5 YW5

[mrmmarc.livejournal.com]

Bless me father for I have sinned...
It has been a VERY long time since my last confession (although if I remember right, it was done in a huge French cathedral 6 feet away from the official shirne of Joan of Arc so I think I got kudos points for cool places to confess)

I have sinned.
I have lied, cheated, stole, done perverse sexual acts (not just by myself), I have had lustful thoughts a lot... no a REAL lot.

More than that, I have voted LibDem for the last few years.

I have also played golf. Once. Just once. I didn't like it so I stopped, but I have never conf4essed my golfing experience before.

Mostly I drink/imbibe narcotics when I can (legal ones to be sure) and I take the lord's name in PAIN (which is like in vain only I punish myself automatically afterwards).

I have had lustful thoughts. DId I mention that one?
Well, I have them a lot.

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

done perverse sexual acts (not just by myself),
Well, I suppose that explains who stole old widow McGinty's stepladder as well, doesn't it, hmn?

Shocking. Shocking. Such sins! The only penance I can give you is to beat your genitals with a hammer until they are a bloody mush. Nothing else will suffice.

[rhythmaning.livejournal.com]

I am perfect. I have no sins. No lust. No pride. No life. No modesty.