Now that's what I call Davy, Vol 2.
Jul. 20th, 2006 09:23 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
davywavyAs we all know, the internet appears to be crammed to the gills with Harry Potter slash fiction; that is, JK Rowling's fictional characters written into scenes in which they hop into bed with one another at the slightest provocation. The popularity of this activity cannot be denied, although I must confess that I cannot see the attraction of taking a bunch of imaginary 12-year-olds and pretending they’re 17 so as they can shag each other. After all, if you did that with a real 12 year old there’s a fair chance you’d be locked up for it, so there’s always something about the whole affair that leaves me feeling a bit…wrong.
However, that’s all by the by as I discove that attandance at Nimbus 2005 – the Harry Potter fan convention help in Salem, Mass. – was more than 70% female. Suddenly, previously undreamed of potential benefits of getting into the this whole Harry Potter malarkey become plain, and I reckon if I make my name as a slash writer now, it may be worth my while starting to save for a plane ticket for next year.
Rather than write an entire story, I thought I’d just give edited highlights of a few days in he average life of a Hogwarts student, set just post the events of “Order of the Phoenix”…
As Ron shifted miserably in the plumpest chair that the Griffindor common room contained, Harry looked up from the chessboard he was studying and frowned.
“I say, Ron, I wish you’d keep a bit quieter. I know extra lessons with Snape aren’t the best thing in the world, but there’s no reason to keep fidgeting. He only kept you for an extra half an hour”
Ron nodded miserably.
“I suppose it was intended for you own good. After all, Professor Snape did say he wanted you to stay back because you’ve got a little behind.”
At that moment the door burst open and Hermione tottered in wearing a dreamy expression and weaving somewhat uncertainly. Ron seized on the opportunity to change the subject.
“Hermione! Where have you been?”
Hermione snapped out of her reverie. “Oh, I’ve been in the forbidden forest. Firenze the Centaur asked me to…rub him down. I’ve been there all afternoon. He must have galloped me about for over an hour.”
Harry nodded. “They say it’s a great honour to be allowed to ride a Centaur” he said.
“It was” breathed Hermione, elbowing Ron off the comfy chair.
“Anyway,” said Harry. “I’m still sweaty from my Quidditch earlier. I’m off for a shower.” Standing, he left the common room, failing to notice the dark figure that slipped from the shadows by the fat lady and followed him…
****
Draco recoiled in disgust and fury.
“What do you mean you enjoyed it, Potter? My father used the Imperius curse on me so I’d do that to pay you back for what happened to him in the shower block at Azkaban!”
Harry leaned back against the taps. “Haven’t you heard, Malfoy? Your father’s sentence has been increased to life, and he’s sharing his cell with a half-giant called Bubba. I think we’ll be having a few more of these little meetings before you’re done. Now drink that engorgement potion and get going.”
With jerky steps, Draco approached Harry again, aghast at the horror of what he was doing…
****
In the shadows of a cell beneath Azkaban prison, a half-giant pointed a fat finger at the quivering figure on the bench. “You’re my puppy now!” It boomed…
****
The next day was bright and sunny as the class made their way down to the lake for their care of magical creatures lesson. Hagrid, all smiles as usual, greeted them with his usual cheer. “Today, class, we’re going to be studyin’ the giant squid. I calls him Mr. Tickle. Raised ‘im from a little squidling meself, I did. So come on, move forward! He’s perfectly safe! Nothing to be concerned about!”
Neville Longbottom stiffened as a tentacle shot out of the lake and up one trouser leg. Hagrid beamed again. “Taught ‘im to do that meself” he smiled. “Passed many a long winter evening with ‘im, in that way.”
Another tentacle shot out of the water and up Neville’s other leg and he was slowly lifted off the ground.
“Now then,” said Hagrid. “He’s got six more tentacles, so I need three more volunteers!”
As one the class edged backwards, except for Cho Chang who elbowed her way forward eagerly.
“I always said she was wrong for you,” hissed Hermione in Harry’s ear as Cho whipped off her skirt. Above them, Neville’s cries abruptly changed in pitch as a questing pseudopod found its goal.
****
The sun was shining many miles away over Privet Drive, and a tall thin figure all in black stormed up the driveway of Number 4 and rapped on the door. It was opened by Vernon Dursley who looked with undisguised surprise at the man in front of him.
“I’ll come straight to the point” snapped Professor Snape. That boy. Potter. He’s you’re responsibility and he’s….” Snape paused and looked at the man in front of him. “Vernon? Vernon Dursley?
“Snape!?”
“I haven’t seen you since that time in Ibiza in 1988!” Snape gasped and then paused. “You’ve grown a moustache, I see.”
Vernon Dursley nodded.
“So…” said Snape. “What are you doing with yourself?”
“I make power tools” said Vernon, meaningfully.
“Really? I’m in...stimulants” said Snape.
Vernon looked about quickly. “Petunia is out with Dudley” he said. “Perhaps you’d better come in.”
“Are you sure?”
“I’ve got a hammer I could show you?”
“Ballpeen?”
“If you like.”
The door closed behind them with a quiet click.
However, that’s all by the by as I discove that attandance at Nimbus 2005 – the Harry Potter fan convention help in Salem, Mass. – was more than 70% female. Suddenly, previously undreamed of potential benefits of getting into the this whole Harry Potter malarkey become plain, and I reckon if I make my name as a slash writer now, it may be worth my while starting to save for a plane ticket for next year.
Rather than write an entire story, I thought I’d just give edited highlights of a few days in he average life of a Hogwarts student, set just post the events of “Order of the Phoenix”…
As Ron shifted miserably in the plumpest chair that the Griffindor common room contained, Harry looked up from the chessboard he was studying and frowned.
“I say, Ron, I wish you’d keep a bit quieter. I know extra lessons with Snape aren’t the best thing in the world, but there’s no reason to keep fidgeting. He only kept you for an extra half an hour”
Ron nodded miserably.
“I suppose it was intended for you own good. After all, Professor Snape did say he wanted you to stay back because you’ve got a little behind.”
At that moment the door burst open and Hermione tottered in wearing a dreamy expression and weaving somewhat uncertainly. Ron seized on the opportunity to change the subject.
“Hermione! Where have you been?”
Hermione snapped out of her reverie. “Oh, I’ve been in the forbidden forest. Firenze the Centaur asked me to…rub him down. I’ve been there all afternoon. He must have galloped me about for over an hour.”
Harry nodded. “They say it’s a great honour to be allowed to ride a Centaur” he said.
“It was” breathed Hermione, elbowing Ron off the comfy chair.
“Anyway,” said Harry. “I’m still sweaty from my Quidditch earlier. I’m off for a shower.” Standing, he left the common room, failing to notice the dark figure that slipped from the shadows by the fat lady and followed him…
****
Draco recoiled in disgust and fury.
“What do you mean you enjoyed it, Potter? My father used the Imperius curse on me so I’d do that to pay you back for what happened to him in the shower block at Azkaban!”
Harry leaned back against the taps. “Haven’t you heard, Malfoy? Your father’s sentence has been increased to life, and he’s sharing his cell with a half-giant called Bubba. I think we’ll be having a few more of these little meetings before you’re done. Now drink that engorgement potion and get going.”
With jerky steps, Draco approached Harry again, aghast at the horror of what he was doing…
****
In the shadows of a cell beneath Azkaban prison, a half-giant pointed a fat finger at the quivering figure on the bench. “You’re my puppy now!” It boomed…
****
The next day was bright and sunny as the class made their way down to the lake for their care of magical creatures lesson. Hagrid, all smiles as usual, greeted them with his usual cheer. “Today, class, we’re going to be studyin’ the giant squid. I calls him Mr. Tickle. Raised ‘im from a little squidling meself, I did. So come on, move forward! He’s perfectly safe! Nothing to be concerned about!”
Neville Longbottom stiffened as a tentacle shot out of the lake and up one trouser leg. Hagrid beamed again. “Taught ‘im to do that meself” he smiled. “Passed many a long winter evening with ‘im, in that way.”
Another tentacle shot out of the water and up Neville’s other leg and he was slowly lifted off the ground.
“Now then,” said Hagrid. “He’s got six more tentacles, so I need three more volunteers!”
As one the class edged backwards, except for Cho Chang who elbowed her way forward eagerly.
“I always said she was wrong for you,” hissed Hermione in Harry’s ear as Cho whipped off her skirt. Above them, Neville’s cries abruptly changed in pitch as a questing pseudopod found its goal.
****
The sun was shining many miles away over Privet Drive, and a tall thin figure all in black stormed up the driveway of Number 4 and rapped on the door. It was opened by Vernon Dursley who looked with undisguised surprise at the man in front of him.
“I’ll come straight to the point” snapped Professor Snape. That boy. Potter. He’s you’re responsibility and he’s….” Snape paused and looked at the man in front of him. “Vernon? Vernon Dursley?
“Snape!?”
“I haven’t seen you since that time in Ibiza in 1988!” Snape gasped and then paused. “You’ve grown a moustache, I see.”
Vernon Dursley nodded.
“So…” said Snape. “What are you doing with yourself?”
“I make power tools” said Vernon, meaningfully.
“Really? I’m in...stimulants” said Snape.
Vernon looked about quickly. “Petunia is out with Dudley” he said. “Perhaps you’d better come in.”
“Are you sure?”
“I’ve got a hammer I could show you?”
“Ballpeen?”
“If you like.”
The door closed behind them with a quiet click.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2006-07-20 08:32 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-07-20 11:01 am (UTC)Still, I'm going to share this link with a lot of them. I'm still laughing. Snape and Dursley is a prime pairing.
no subject
Date: 2006-07-20 11:07 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-07-20 01:40 pm (UTC)1) A twist or a surprise.
2) A villain doing something that the heroes must be proactive to prevent.
3) A decent editor, spellchecker and grammar check applying to it before publication
A half out of three* ain't bad?
It may (or may not) interest you to know that a long time ago in a web forum far far away I used to roleplay McG, and most of what I did consisted of crashing teenage sexual fumblings. It was depressing.
* Snape killing DD could be counted as half a surprise, although given that she had refused to let Harry trust him all along, she could successfully claim dramatic foreshadowing.
Bets that Snape only killed DD on DD's express orders, and that was what all the nature of sacrifice yelling was about? Evens, I'd say.
no subject
Date: 2006-07-20 01:41 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-07-20 11:10 am (UTC)You were never IN the people who read/write slash category, so how can you be in the subcategory?
* headdesk *
I know you think you're saving other people a job by constantly doing yourself down, but REALLY... ;)
no subject
Date: 2006-07-20 12:46 pm (UTC)Anyway, none of that detracts from the fact that Dave's parody was spot on and very funny.
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Date: 2006-07-20 12:59 pm (UTC)I wasn't making ANY comment about general readership, nor about the people who may or may not have attended the con.
So, I ask again, how can anyone who doesn't fit into the category of intelligent slash readers and writers fit into the sub category of people who moved on after OotP?
no subject
Date: 2006-07-20 01:26 pm (UTC)H
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Date: 2006-07-20 01:31 pm (UTC)Still, davydearest seems to not draw a distinction between slash and het smut, so, since this is his journal...
* shrug *
no subject
Date: 2006-07-20 01:49 pm (UTC)you've lost me.
H
*though I'd call it literature, obviously
no subject
Date: 2006-07-20 01:57 pm (UTC)Smut = a subset of fanfic involving sexual relations
Slash = a subset of Smut, involving gay sexual relations
Het = another subset of Smut, involving purely heterosexual sexual relations.
I admit to only having skim-read the enormous fic you tried to link above (maybe the fact that you put the html in brackets is the reason it didn't work? I'm guessing, it's a perfectly valid url) and not having found the specific bit you refer to (although "The Governor of Azkaban was unusually urbane for a Dementor" made me cackle aloud), but it's either het smut or just general fanfic, depending on whether or not it involves actual pictorial shagging.
no subject
Date: 2006-07-20 02:01 pm (UTC)(Though the actual portrait-on-portrait action is set tastefully outside the frame. This is a family livejournal).
H
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Date: 2006-07-20 02:03 pm (UTC)In which case, it's not smut ;)
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Date: 2006-07-20 01:29 pm (UTC)Aw, diddums. The author whose property the canon is dared to continue the story the way she wanted to? How scandalous.
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Date: 2006-07-20 01:32 pm (UTC)Did I say I was upset by it? I thought it was funny. I'm an observer, not a participant.
no subject
Date: 2006-07-20 02:26 pm (UTC)I second that. I have seen some of the slash stories that has been created. It makes no sense to me why people would want to write about kids like this, or even the teachers with kids like this. I'm too canon and slash is too far out there to remotely be interesting. A waste of time as far as I can see. The only thing that comes to my mind is that these slash stories may be in fact written by children themselves. Their hormones are raging at this time and they might be trying to figure out how to let this out. Who knows, I'm probably wrong. *shrug*
I'm an adult woman. I don't see myself as unintellegent. I may admit I am no brain either. I still like the stories to find the clues. I like making my theories. I think of it as a hobby. When it gets to the point of being an obsession, I back off for a little while, then return. Still, I don't think I'm unintellegent.
I agree that OOTP was entirely too long. It's a hard book to get through. I told myself the last time I read it, that I probably won't pick that one up to read again from cover to cover. I had a hard time getting through the boring parts. Whiney Harry in the beginning was just ticking me off. That could have been left out. I really wanted to bend him over my knee (and don't read anything into that. I'm not a slash writer.) Then the issue about her words, she could have said a lot of the book in fewer words. Maybe then, we would not have gotten bored in parts.
The end was the only part that finally got me to sit up and enjoy the book. Fred and George leaving the way they did, Umbridge got her comuppance, then the fight at the ministry. People were upset that Sirius died. Well, that was a given. Although, I had thought it was going to be DD that kicked the bucket in OOTP. Maybe Sirius would die later on in the series. Well, I was wrong. Oh well. *shrug*
Book 6 made up for book 5, and I'm glad for it. I'm still holding out hope that Rowling will be able to successfully pull off a good ending to this whole thing.
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Date: 2006-07-20 09:13 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-07-20 10:01 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-07-20 09:22 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-07-20 09:49 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-07-20 10:15 am (UTC)I shouldn't be so amused but as someone who does read fanfic (to my shame) it has all the cliches of really bad slashfic...
I love parody. Sadly, in some circles, it wouldn't be seen as such. And your words are possibly too sophiscated for a teenage audience in places ;).
no subject
Date: 2006-07-20 10:18 am (UTC)Harry for his part, smiled. did his flies back up and said, "OK, the password THIS year is..."
Good stuff.
Laughed.
Then I realised I know you.
Cried.
no subject
Date: 2006-07-26 02:24 pm (UTC)I'll even buy you a (one) drink.
no subject
Date: 2006-07-20 11:08 am (UTC)That was a different take on things...........I shall never read of the potter again in the same light.
What did disturb me however was having to calm down certain males who shall not be named and there odd and distubing Hermione fixsations after the last movie.........the Actress was 14 for christs sake......~Dispairs at avrage male~
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Date: 2006-07-20 11:10 am (UTC)That's just hilarious.
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Date: 2006-07-20 11:20 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-07-20 12:04 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-07-20 12:06 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-07-20 12:16 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-07-20 12:17 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-07-20 12:27 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-07-20 12:27 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-07-20 12:30 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-07-20 12:31 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-07-20 01:51 pm (UTC)"In the shadows of a cell beneath Azkaban prison, a half-giant pointed a fat finger at the quivering figure on the bench. “You’re my puppy now!” It boomed…"
GAAAAHHH!! *obliviates self so as to wipe image from mind*
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Date: 2006-07-20 02:30 pm (UTC)Sorry... hides face. LOL
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Date: 2006-07-20 02:49 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-07-21 09:12 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-07-22 03:10 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-07-20 03:01 pm (UTC)