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davywavyThere's a piece which does the rounds of the internet every so often which offers to explain economic/governmental forms with cattle - "Democracy - you have two cows. Your neighbours decide who gets the milk', that sort of thing.
You know it? Good. Here's some more.
Israeli Democracy: You have one cow. The Palestinians have the other, but God told you it was yours.
Palestinian Democracy: You have one cow. The Israelis have the other, but God told you it was yours.
NHS Economics: You have two cows. You fire your vet to hire a cow management expert.
Keynesian economics: You have two cows. You deregulate the cattle market so anyone can be involved in cow ownership, and then sell them into the market.
Twenty years later, the market owns forty cows, generating you eight cows a year in tax revenue. The Guardian tells you this is a bad thing.
Blairite Socialism: You own two cows. Without looking at them, the government tells you they have foot and mouth and shoots them. Six years later, you are still waiting to be compensated for the destruction of your perfectly healthy livestock
Swedish Socialism: You have two cows. The government takes one off you and sterilises it as unfit.
Indian Democracy: In Hindu India, the cows own you.
Brownite economics: You have two cows. The government takes one off you to give to someone else. In the six months it takes to complete the statutory Cow Ownership (Redistribution) forms, the cow dies. The population of cows halves and the government proudly claims to have reduced inequalities in cow ownership by 50%.
John Prescott: You have two cows. You have sex with one and eat the other. You resent the fact that the press calls you ‘two cows’.
EU Economics: You have no cows, but claim subsidies for ten. Nobody says anything as they’re all doing the same.
Thatcherite economics: You own a cow mine. When you point out that this produces no cows at enormous cost and shut it, people complain.
Jackie Chan: You have two cows. Falling foul of the Yakuza, you use them as nunchaku.
Zimbabwean Democracy: You have two cows. You kill and eat them, and then claim that the British are to blame for your lack of cattle.
North Korean Juche: You have no cows, but if the Americans don’t give you some soon you’ll nuke Seoul.
Local Authority Economics: You have two cows. You hire a Rainbow Ungulate Outreach Worker to build bridges between cows and sheep, build a bovine sports centre and talk to unelected spokesbulls about the needs of the bovine community. You pay someone £70kpa to change the bulbs in the cowshed even when they don’t do it. The cows are not expected to contribute in any way.
You know it? Good. Here's some more.
Israeli Democracy: You have one cow. The Palestinians have the other, but God told you it was yours.
Palestinian Democracy: You have one cow. The Israelis have the other, but God told you it was yours.
NHS Economics: You have two cows. You fire your vet to hire a cow management expert.
Keynesian economics: You have two cows. You deregulate the cattle market so anyone can be involved in cow ownership, and then sell them into the market.
Twenty years later, the market owns forty cows, generating you eight cows a year in tax revenue. The Guardian tells you this is a bad thing.
Blairite Socialism: You own two cows. Without looking at them, the government tells you they have foot and mouth and shoots them. Six years later, you are still waiting to be compensated for the destruction of your perfectly healthy livestock
Swedish Socialism: You have two cows. The government takes one off you and sterilises it as unfit.
Indian Democracy: In Hindu India, the cows own you.
Brownite economics: You have two cows. The government takes one off you to give to someone else. In the six months it takes to complete the statutory Cow Ownership (Redistribution) forms, the cow dies. The population of cows halves and the government proudly claims to have reduced inequalities in cow ownership by 50%.
John Prescott: You have two cows. You have sex with one and eat the other. You resent the fact that the press calls you ‘two cows’.
EU Economics: You have no cows, but claim subsidies for ten. Nobody says anything as they’re all doing the same.
Thatcherite economics: You own a cow mine. When you point out that this produces no cows at enormous cost and shut it, people complain.
Jackie Chan: You have two cows. Falling foul of the Yakuza, you use them as nunchaku.
Zimbabwean Democracy: You have two cows. You kill and eat them, and then claim that the British are to blame for your lack of cattle.
North Korean Juche: You have no cows, but if the Americans don’t give you some soon you’ll nuke Seoul.
Local Authority Economics: You have two cows. You hire a Rainbow Ungulate Outreach Worker to build bridges between cows and sheep, build a bovine sports centre and talk to unelected spokesbulls about the needs of the bovine community. You pay someone £70kpa to change the bulbs in the cowshed even when they don’t do it. The cows are not expected to contribute in any way.
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Correction:
Date: 2006-12-14 09:58 am (UTC)Re: Correction:
Date: 2006-12-14 10:01 am (UTC)Re: Correction:
Date: 2006-12-14 10:06 am (UTC)Re: Correction:
Date: 2006-12-14 10:07 am (UTC)Re: Correction:
Date: 2006-12-14 10:21 am (UTC)*smug mode*
no subject
Date: 2006-12-14 09:59 am (UTC)Twenty years later, the market owns forty cows, generating you eight cows a year in tax revenue. The Guardian tells you this is a bad thing.
Which of course, it is, because all the cattle are inbred, coming from a ridiculously small gene pool of two.
I still object to the words "Blair" and "socialism" being used together, as well.
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Date: 2006-12-14 10:00 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-12-14 10:04 am (UTC):P
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Date: 2006-12-14 10:14 am (UTC)Everyone else has one cow between them and eats and wears cowshit.
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Date: 2006-12-14 10:15 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-12-14 10:17 am (UTC)Ah well, stroll on the revolution :)
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Date: 2006-12-14 02:38 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-12-14 02:47 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-12-14 03:00 pm (UTC)Is this unnatural?
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Date: 2006-12-14 03:03 pm (UTC)Certainly I see wealth as aspirational, not as an excuse to put some PR onto class envy and bitter jealousy and rebrand them as 'justice'. Seeing rich people just makes me work harder.
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Date: 2006-12-14 04:42 pm (UTC)I shall have to rethink me entire world view to absorb this new wisdom. Thankyou, mighty David
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Date: 2006-12-14 04:44 pm (UTC)I intend to use this as my justification when I enslave humanity. As their labour has no worth, how can anyone object to me extracting it from them for nothing?
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Date: 2006-12-16 09:57 am (UTC)Seems to me many people's labour has negative worth, since, due to our bizarre tax & benefits system, they are better off (fiscally only, not spiritually) not working.
You can have them for your cotton plantations and soylent green reclaimation plant.
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Date: 2006-12-14 04:40 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-12-14 04:49 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-12-14 04:51 pm (UTC)The only part of the current education reform that worries me are the new Reg Vardy faith schools.
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Date: 2006-12-15 02:01 pm (UTC)I'm not impressed with the justification for not having language lessons any more. Seems to me the only time Blair wants the poor to go overseas is when they're wearing khaki, and they won't need to talk to them then. Apart from learning the arabic for 'get off George Bush's oil or I'll shoot you' anyway.
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Date: 2006-12-14 10:24 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-12-14 10:04 am (UTC)Israeli Democracy: You have one cow. The Palestinians have the other, but God told you it was yours.
Palestinian Democracy: You have one cow. The Israelis have the other, but God told you it was yours.
Yes.
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Date: 2006-12-14 10:05 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-12-14 10:12 am (UTC)I'm temporarily on their side (at least until I see the photo.)
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Date: 2006-12-14 10:13 am (UTC)That's like asking me to enjoy having diarrhoea. I just can't do it.
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Date: 2006-12-14 10:15 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-12-14 10:16 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-12-14 12:39 pm (UTC)A little long to be pithy, perhaps.
no subject
Date: 2006-12-14 10:10 am (UTC)*hits head against desk repeatedly, cries at the absolute ridiculous mess of it all*
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Date: 2006-12-14 10:24 am (UTC)H
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Date: 2006-12-14 02:13 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-12-14 05:50 pm (UTC)Palestinian Democracy: You have one cow. The Israelis have the other, but God told you it was yours.
Corollary:
Israel: the Americans give you the milk of 10 cows, and the munitions to kill all cows in at least a 340 mile radius (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/F-16_Fighting_Falcon).
Palestine: the Iranians give you the milk of 3 cows if you blow yourself up first. Hamas does so for free. Meanwhile the PA taks all the milk which you can't sell past the Israeli walls anyway.