On Her Majesty's Personal Services

[davywavy]

The great thing about Premium Bonds is that they're like the lottery with highly reduced risk; after you've bought them, you get entered into the draw every month at no extra cost and you can get your money back upon request. Over time, chances are you'll make a small but consistent loss. Premium Bonds return at an average of about 2.75%, meaning that against inflation you'll be losing a few percent of your money every year; by comparison, Lottery tickets return an average of 70% but you have to buy a new one every time you want to play meaning that over time your losses will be greater.

Both Premium Bonds and Lottery Ticket have jackpots - the lottery variable and Premium Bonds fixed at a million quid a month, plus lesser jackpots varying from £50 to £100,000, and one of my favourite things about the whole idea of the Premium Bonds is that they have an employeee whose job title is 'Agent Million'. It is Agent Million's job to go round to people's houses and tell them when they've won a big payout, which does strike me as a pretty good job.

Why am I thinking about this today? Because Premium Bonds are drawn at the start of the month and Agent Million traditionally arrives on winners doorsteps on the first Saturday of the month - i.e. tomorrow - and I get to thinking how nice it would be to be awoken in the morning by a beaming official with a fat cheque.
So that's the question of the day - you're awoken tomorrow by a rapping on your door, and answering it you are presented with a cheque for a million quid in your name.

What do you do?

Comments

[madwitch.livejournal.com]

Say thank you. It's only polite.
As to what do I do with a million quid? I am a girl, there would be shopping. And buying a flat, with a room specially for shoes and clothes, as the desire for shoes is strong in me.

That, or buy a secret possibly underground base.

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

You mean you'd have to think about it? "Shoes...underground base. Underground base...shoes. Hmmmn."

Wow, you're a girl all right.

[madwitch.livejournal.com]

Shoes and outfits are important. My future henchwomen will be dressed in Chanel.

I may just go for underground base with a special shoe room.

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

"Unless you give in to my demands, my moon-shoe cannon will fire a colossal Jimmy Choo at Paris. Mwa ha ha ha ha ha haaaaa!"

[madwitch.livejournal.com]

You have to play to your strengths when working towards world domination. That's where so many go wrong.

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

"When I said 'Throw him in the pit with the Crocs', that's notwhat I meant!"

[madwitch.livejournal.com]

Oh, I dunno. Being in a pit full of those vile tawdry pretend shoes sounds like torture to me.

[vulgarcriminal.livejournal.com]

iawtc

[madwitch.livejournal.com]

Of course you do. You have taste. :-)

[vulgarcriminal.livejournal.com]

With those shiny blue Christian Laboutin boots.

[madwitch.livejournal.com]

Oooh, quite possibly, that would work rather well.
I intend to have the most stylish henchpeople ever, how can the world take me seriously if they're wearing moon boots and Burberry?

[raggedyman.livejournal.com]

be very happy, clear debts and start looking at houses. Put about half the remainder into things for the house and then split the remaining remainder into toys (computer, car, airsoft) family, and friends. All the while remembering that a million is a lot but after you got the house it actually isn't that much plus you still need to keep the damn thing running!

[vulgarcriminal.livejournal.com]

1. Buy my flat and have workmen there from 8:00am until 8:00pm as revenge on my neighbors. I don't care what they do.

2. Hire a gardener to sort out our back garden as revenge on our downstairs neighbor. Build a big fance and a pagoda that blocks all light to his garden.

3. Cancel the visa processes, buy two plane tickets and GTFO of here. Buy a house. Spend 6 months in the US and 6 months in the UK, or whatever.

4. Put the rest of the money in several US bank accounts at 90,000 dollars each (US bank accounts are insured by the Feds for 100,000 dollars. I want to leave room for interest.) Potentially invest some, though with interest rates rising the profit is decent either way.

5. Travel the world!

[commlal.livejournal.com]

Depends on the time, go back to bed after thanking the nice man and making him a cup of tea (I am british you know) and sleep cuddling the lovely check :D

Would buy the house I'm in just now, pay off debits, do up Dad's house and take a nice hol in Japan with my family and friends. Also pay for my gran to have a nice cruse with mum to the states.

After a few months off I'd go back to work as an IT type rather than a bored pharmacist because I wouldnt need to worry about rent anymore and could survive on less.

[annwfyn.livejournal.com]

Call up Abbey National and ask them to take some money from me and pay off my mortgage.

Then call up RBS and pay off my overdraft and credit card.

Then I'd book a holiday somewhere nice. Right now I'm thinking about a luxury safari in Africa where I could feel like the last representative of the British Empire. Then I'd make myself invest the rest somewhere sensible, at least for the moment.

[vulgarcriminal.livejournal.com]

Can I come along as your hapless and mildly savage American?

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

Mildy? Mildly?? Who's been playing down your strengths, then?

[vulgarcriminal.livejournal.com]

It's anger management, sucking the savageness out of me. Someday I might be a real human.

[robinbloke.livejournal.com]

Pinch myself to make sure I'm not dreaming. Invite agent million in for a drink and then phone the mortgage company to say "Hey, I'd like to make a rather large advance payment."

NO MORE MORTGAGE! RAH!

Ah, dreams.

Then I can start searching the Interweb for A huge pulsating brain^tm of a computer.

[robinbloke.livejournal.com]

Anyhow; what would you do?

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

Get all the money in a big pile of five pound notes and then roll round in it naked.

I'm just so much more imaginative than everyone else who has answered the question.

[robinbloke.livejournal.com]

Shall we just call you Scrooge McWade?

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

He is one of my heroes, you know.

[robinbloke.livejournal.com]

If I said I was surprised, I'd be lying.
Actually, what I am surprised about is that you don't have an icon for him!

[elbly.livejournal.com]

Firstly I'd faint (I only have about 210 bonds and about 39:40 winners of a big pay out have the full allowance, the ones that don't have the full allowance normally have most of it - I know, I did some research when I was bored one week)

Secondly I'd offer Agent Million a cup of tea.

Thirdly I'd write my letter of resignation and start planning my own business.

Forthly I'd visit my bank and talk to them about the best return I could get for my money

Lastly, I'd go and have a really REALLY big steak dinner with champagne and have a chauffer drive me home. I've always wanted to do that :o)

[gnommi.livejournal.com]

These are all stirling plans, but there would still have to be flying monkeys in there somewhere for it to really work for me.

[karohemd.livejournal.com]

(provided I actually invested in Premium Bonds)
Ask the man for at least three forms of ID and his superior's phone number to check all is genuine, then thank him and offer him a dram of my finest whisky.

While starting to look at houses realise that a million isn't actually that much and while I could afford to buy a nice detached house with all mod cons outright, the remaining half mil isn't really enough to quit my job and just live off the interest for the rest of my life in luxury even if I invest it really well so my standard of living won't actually increase much but at least I won't have to work or pay rent.

Might just fuck off to Germany where I'd be able to get a better house for half the cost which will leave me with more money in the bank.

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

Agent Million is currently a 'her', apparently. If it's a man at your door, it's definitely a scam :)

[ukmonty.livejournal.com]

look for you hiding in the hedge with a camera......

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

Did you get my text?

[cleosilver.livejournal.com]

Ater putting it safely in the bank and waiting for it to clear, be boring and pay off my debts and Alex's debts. Stick some in a high interest account for Marcus (my son) so he has a college fund. Look into house buying and the cost of private schools

[vampyrefate.livejournal.com]

I went through almost exactly the same reasoning as you did as regards lottery tickets and Premium bonds.
I went for buying premium bonds as it lets me have a gamble each month, and I'm effectively just gambling a month's worth of interest.

Ok, I am discounting compound interest and inflation, but I think the sums stack provided you view it as a lotto alternative, and not a serious investment vehicle for making money.

Fools, it would appear, seldom differ.

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

It's a gamble on which I lose about 4% a year (at current rates of inflation), as opposed to 30% a week. Sounds like better odds to me.

[(Anonymous)]

Why, I'd give a large* sum of it to you, David

H

*interpretation may vary

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

My interpretation or yours?

[(Anonymous)]

Well, they may well vary from one another.

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

Best use mine, then. Just be on the safe side.

[gnommi.livejournal.com]

cosh agent million with a brick in a sock, roast and eat her then flee to a small uncharted island to launch my flying monkey attack on the world in general. (the monkeys are on strike at the moment, something to do with unpaid wages)

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

Now that's more like it - so many people are just so prosaic when it comes to investment.

[hiromasaki.livejournal.com]

Hrm... I guess it depends on whether I wanted to be responsible or not. (Can non-residents buy these bonds, by the way? There's no equivalent here in the States.)

Responsible:

1) Convert 1Mil Pounds into 2Mil USD.
2) Pre-pay taxes on 2Mil USD.
3) Pay off house, Credit Cards, Cars, School Loans.
4) Put 75% of remainder in retirement fund.
5) Rennovate basement into recording studio. Get good digital cameras. Start music & video (& music video) production service. Quit day job.

Irresponsible:

1) Sell House. Purchase larger house with cave underground.
2) Rennovate cave into secret lair. Purchase and overhaul vehicle.
3) Buy "Wonderful Toys".
4) Throw Jack Nicholson off top of church. Declare self to be "Batman".

Good news.

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

Premium Bond wins are tax free.

Re: Good news.

[hiromasaki.livejournal.com]

British Gov't Tax Free. But I somehow doubt that the ol' USofA would let me get away without giving them a cut.

Hrm... I'm going to look into getting me some of those bonds. At the very least, it's another place to stock away some money.

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

Really? I just assumed you'd waste it.

[fonnparr.livejournal.com]

I'd ask agent Million how she got my new address. I had some bonds bought for me decades ago but they have been lost in 6 of 7 house moves.