What's your story?

[davywavy]

Like films, some books fall into the 'so bad they're good' category, like, for example, the wonderfully titled Conrad's quest for rubber (also alternatively titled "Conrad's rubber adventures"), which is about as bad as time-travel adventures can be whilst having a title that I simply had to have on my bookshelf.
There's actually a special section on my bookshelf for truly terrible literature which I simply can't bring myself to throw away. Stuff like The Hard Corps and The Vampire Diaries.

Some time ago, I made the rather basic error of reading some Dean Koontz books. Entirely my own fault, I know, but I do have this tendency to just read anything which is presented to me which has led to me reading some really good stuff, and also some truly awful tosh. The thing about Koontz is that he's a natural storyteller. He has the skill (shared with people like Dan Brown) of setting a dramatic scene in such a way that you simply cannot stop reading; you desperately want to know what is going to happen next, and that's where the kicker come in because what happens next is always, always bollocks.
It's a remarkable talent. To create characters and situations which unfailingly grab the reader firmly and then to ensure a letdown is a skill in it's own right, and I read three or four of his books in a state of some wonderment at the fact that he could hook me and then disappoint me every single time - a bit like a girl I went out with back at university.
Think about this got me interested: who is your favourite bad author; someone whose work you go back to despite knowing that you'll just end up feeling let down and even slightly soiled by their work, but, like the burned fools finger, you just keep going back?

Comments

[vulgarcriminal.livejournal.com]

Koontz and Kellerman!

Koontz utterly lacks the ability to end his stories. It's bizarre.

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

Yes, I agree; he sets up this fascinating world and then everything just... peters out.
God, maybe he is the girl I went out with at university.

[gnommi.livejournal.com]

Guy N Smith!
"crabs... the size of beach donkeys... coming down the Blackwall tunnel... clickety click... clickety clack..."

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

Gosh, yes. I've read a couple of his (The Ghoul, Warhead), and they're pretty rubbish all told.

[gnommi.livejournal.com]

The Master is the best/worst (sadomasochistic boarding school shenanigans in the Highlands)
although Throwbacks is pretty damn awful (a virus transforms civil servants into Neanderthals, who are inflamed with lust at the sight of red nylon knickers)

but they are in the so bad they're good category

"he was going back for Pamela... crabs or no crabs..."

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

virus transforms civil servants into Neanderthals

How could anyone tell?

[morgan303.livejournal.com]

Ooh! I love him too!
Crabs is my favourite...there was a night I had friends round, and when we were all a little squiffy someone found Night of the Crabs on a bookshelf, and we spent an hysterical portion of the evening reading it aloud.

[(Anonymous)]

Is this because I bought that Matthew Reilly book in Help The Aged?

H

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

What makes you say that?

[madwitch.livejournal.com]

Heinlein.

Especially the World as Myth stuff.

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

I found Heinlein to be physically unreadable, especially The number of the beast, which is one of the few books I never finished.

[madwitch.livejournal.com]

I know what you mean. I like some of his books, I'm quite fond of Job, but many of them leave me with an urge to shred them at around the halfway point.

And then there are the ones I look at, think "I'm sure it wasn't that bad", read and then remember that yes, it really was that bloody bad.

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

I read a bit of Heinlein when I was young enough to have no quality control in my reading; it's the going back and trying again now which is difficult. Another candidate in this box: Anne McCaffery. Loved 'em when I was 11, utterly unreadable now.

[madwitch.livejournal.com]

I still read some McCaffery, though I internally mock her work a lot more than I used to. But she doesn't leave me feeling like I've just watched a 14yr old boys fantasy, which is what I get with Heinlein.

[ddraiggwyrdd.livejournal.com]

Gosh, as I was reading the posts here, Anne McCaffrey came to mind for exactly the same reason - but I still love the whole concept of Pern and STILl want a dragon of my own.

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

I'm not going to disagree with that...it's just that the books are so bad that I wonder what i ever really saw in them.

[mrmmarc.livejournal.com]

All of this is tosh.
There is only one true candidate for awful writer...

L. Ron Hubbard.

His books are SO shite, SO badly written, so mind bendingly awful, they make you wonder... this guy start a religion??!?!?!

I mean- if I wrote any one of his books... I would commit suicide as well!

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

Wow, you're only the second person I've ever met who may have read The Invader's plan.

I'm the first, obvoiusly.

[madwitch.livejournal.com]

I only didn't say him because I've never got further than the 10th page of any of his books.

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

Pah. Some of us have read Battlefield Earth cover to cover. And watched the film.
You crap-literature-fu is weak.

[madwitch.livejournal.com]

I watched 15 minutes of the film, and then my brain started threatening to leak out of my ears.

Also, I'm not sure we can really call Hubbard's work literature. That may be some kind of literature code violation.

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

You can borrow my copy of the film if you like. It's an undiscovered masterpiece.

[madwitch.livejournal.com]

One day, when I'm feeling brave...

[wyrdness.livejournal.com]

Robert Jordan, specifically his Wheel of Time series. I loved the setting and the world's history/ mythology was quite interesting, but I hated all of the characters whether they were meant to be antagonists or not and the books were usually about 600 pages of pure waffle with about 20 pages of actual plot bearing content. Actually half my enjoyment of the books was yelling at it whenever the main characters did something stupid and/ or annoying, which was pretty much all the time. Then the man died before finishing the damn thing, though he had plenty of time to write prequels and offshoots and a billion other things before then.

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

I did consider trying the Wheel of time, but after a lot of reviews saying pretty much what you do, I decided not to bother.

[wyrdness.livejournal.com]

I should have done that, but I was hit by disbelief that a series could be so popular as well as being as awful as it is.

Another one was whoever wrote Gor, the internet tells me that's "John Norman". I read the first one back when I was 15 and thought it wasn't too bad, even if it was a bit generic and old-fashioned. The rest just get progressively worse until all I remember from them is a main protagonist I think is a twat and naked women slaves that tend to end up chained to walls, beds, wagons, flying creatures, etc. but they're okay with it because they all acknowledge that secretly all women want to be chained-up submissive (sex) slaves. I have over 15 of those books (none bought by me) and have never finished any past the first, though I have read the first more than once.

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

I read twenty-odd of the Gor books when I was about 13 (back when the thought of naked female slaves was more of a preoccupation for me than it is now*). Books 3, 5, and 9 were the only ones readable when I went through them again when I was about 17 - I doubt I could read any of them now.

*This statement is a lie.

[wyrdness.livejournal.com]

Female! That was the word I was looking for. You'd think I'd remember details like that. I haven't touched any of them in years, but maybe I shall liberate some of them from my dad's house. If nothing else the especially bad bits might make good LJ fodder for people to mock.

I was going to say that I'd doubt that statement from a man who can receive on demand free internet boobs (just happened to read the Sinfest feed comments today). It's amazing really, you produce your own gold and get free boobs on demand, there are probably people waiting for your life to appear on ebay as I type.

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

Ah, but I'm crying inside. Really I am.

[janewilliams20.livejournal.com]

The first one isn't bad. But they get slower and s l o w e r and s....l....o....ww....eee...rr... until the last one out managed about 10 sec of plot, and that was a repeat from the previous book. Also, by then they were drowning in irrelevant near-identical extra "characters".

Do not wait for ANY of the plot points to be resolved. I did in fact read the lot, every single book, and as far as I remember, no resolutions ever happened. We just kept collecting more plot lines to keep track of.

[calligrafiti.livejournal.com]

Laurel K. Hamilton. She doesn't quite do the hook and dump you mentioned. Instead, she started out kind of good and has been getting progressively worse, book by book. Her lead character has long since past the point of believability (not to mention the point where I can care about her), but several of her secondary characters are still really nifty. I want to rescue them and find better books for them to inhabit.

[flywingedmonkey.livejournal.com]

YES, YES!!!

And she barely lets anyone die! And when they get saved by the title character they "belong" to her! The whole thing has turned into descriptions of sexy undead/furry men that Anita may/may not fuck! HOW many does she have now?

It started off with some cracking ideas too.

JmC
Don'tr even get me started on her Fairy books. I only read one. Brrrrr.

[calligrafiti.livejournal.com]

HOW many does she have now?

I'm not sure. Someone used to leave copies of the books in the lunch room at work, like diseased foundlings, and I'd drop them in my bag when no one was looking. I haven't been able to bring myself to pay money for the latest ones.

[annwfyn.livejournal.com]

Deaver - guy who does the Lincoln Rhyme books. I always feel slightly soiled, but insist on going back.

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

I've never even heard of him and intend to keep it that way.

[ddraiggwyrdd.livejournal.com]

I love T Rider Haggard but... I excuse him with the thought that at that time archaeology was the pastime of rich treasure hunters and your general bod knew nothing of what might have REALLY been constructed in "Olden Days".

[(Anonymous)]

I bought a Dean Koontz book in Oxfam at lunch time. You know you want it.

H

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

You're sick, woman, sick!
Which one is it?

[(Anonymous)]

Does it matter?

H

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

I'm hoping that it's one I've read before, so I can't avoid having to read it again.

[flywingedmonkey.livejournal.com]

Laurel K Hamillton's Anita Blake Novels. I honestly don't know why I keep going back.

JmC
The possibility of stupididty cannot be ruled out

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

You're the second person to mention those - I may have to read some.

[thefon.livejournal.com]

I have a stack of them (up to about book 12, anyway, when they not just hit bottom but kept going). You are welcome to them. They definitely fit your criteria.

[the-maenad.livejournal.com]

Mark Timlin. Cheesy tough-guy sarf Landan private eye series (briefly televised with Clive Owen. god help us, as the hero). As devoid of nourishment as a can of Pringles, but equally hard to put down until finished.

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

This is one question I have never had a satisfactory answer for: Why does Clive Owen keep getting work?

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

The first Koontz book I read was Sieze the night, which I really rather liked as brainless entertainment - I wasn't aware that brainless entertainment was the best that he was ever going to manage, and even then only rarely.

[fonnparr.livejournal.com]

I have to agree with you about Cussler. Every time I read a new book of his I am convinced I have read it before, but I still read them. Also he has an irritating way of finishing each and every chapter by telling you how the next one is going to play out.
"... little did he know this would be the last time he ever saw his daughter." aaaaaaaargh!

Pratchett, on the other hand, I still enjoy. Although I am usually a little dissapointed, I am ever hopefull of another 'Pyramids'.

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

I thought Pratchett had really hit his stride again with Night Watch and Going Postal being very good fun, and then I read Making Money and realised they had just been a temporary aberration in the downward trend of quality.