[Political allegory] Gordon Brown, barman

[davywavy]

A man walks into a pub...

Man: Afternoon, squire. A pint of Stella, please.
Gordon Brown, barman: Your message is both clear and unequivocal, and I'd like to tell you that I am taking all necessary steps to ensure delivery of your pint of bitter at the earliest opportunity.
Man: Nah, mate, nah. Stella. Pint of Stella, please.
Gordon Brown, barman: I'm both listening an understanding your concerns. I know that you are facing difficult times and your pint of bitter is of the utmost importance to you, but I think that you should be reassured that your pint of bitter is of the utmost importnance to me as well.
Man: Nah. Stella. Lager. S-T-E-L-L-A. A pint thereof. And be quick about it, eh?
Gordon Brown, barman: I'm aware that the previous barman made promises to you about your pint. Promises which, ultimately, you were let down on. Now what I think you want is for me to get on with the important job of serving at this bar, and that is what I have the fullest intention of doing.
Man: Well, that's grand. Can I have my pint, then?
Gordon Brown, barman: Pint delivery is a long and complex process which involves decisions taken at the highest levels, and this can take some time. However, the processes are in place to ensure that the pint-deprived people in this bar recieve the best quality pint in the shortest possible time.
Man: Oh, for God's sake. Just. Give. Me. My. Pint.
Gordon Brown, barman: I think you'll agree that I am the best-placed person to ensure prompt and cost-effective allocation of pints and your pint, which I'm aware is an issue close to your heart, is the most important issue I am currently working on. I'm asking for your understanding and patience whilst I work to bring more effective pint-delivery processes online.
Man: Look, the pump is directly in front of you. Just pull the bastard, will you?
Gordon Brown, barman: Until your pint is prepared, I'm giving you this glass of Port and Lemon as an interim measure, on the house.
Man: You just took that off my wife!
Gordon Brown, barman: Until your pint of bitter is ready, I'm prepared to make the unprecedented step of redistributing Port and Lemon to the most needy members of society.
Man: Look, mate. I've been polite. I've asked nicely. I just want a pint of Stella, and I want you to stop taking my wife's drink off her every time she tries to take a sip.
Gordon Brown, barman: It is my job to provide pints of bitter to you, and that's what I'm striving to do if you will bear with me during the process. I am hearing your concerns about your difficulties and, once again, I'd like to offer you my sincere reassurance that I am working as hard as I can to pull your pint of bitter.
Man: Sod this, I'm off to the Thatchers Arms down the road.

Comments

[http://users.livejournal.com/_grimtales_/]

*Later, at the Thatcher's Arms*

Bloke: Pint of stella please.
Barlady: *Takes his child's milk bottle, steals his car, sells it off, has the bouncer beat him up for protesting about the theft and throws him out on the street*

[(Anonymous)]

Kid that age shouldn't have been driving a car anyhow.

H

[(Anonymous)]

I rather think you'll find the car was sold to some passing Germans, who crushed it.

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

Well, that wins the prize for non-sequitur of the day.

[(Anonymous)]

Well, a mor ehonest answer would have been:

Barwoman says "You haven't got enough money for lager, you workshy scrounger." but I just ran with what I was given.

[zenicurean.livejournal.com]

Is there a bar brawl over at Maggie's place? They could call it The Great Miner's Strike 1984-1985: A Noble, Moral Stand in Defence of the Working Man's Time-honoured Right to Do Useless Things for a Living on the Taxpayer's Money.

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

I refer you here: http://davywavy.livejournal.com/294496.html

[raggedyman.livejournal.com]

Sadly these days all the barman at the Thatchers Arms does is say how horrible the other barman is, and when you get your pint you find out that its just GB's Ale with a bit of blue dye thrown into it :-(

[hareb-sarap.livejournal.com]

Due to market forces both pubs serve pretty much the same drink, watered down Thatcherism with a small chaser of social conscience.

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

I think I made it pretty clear that the customer was after the same service from either source but was driven away from his local by the incompetance of the landlord.

Perhaps I was being too subtle. I'll make a note for next time.

[hareb-sarap.livejournal.com]

There's a difference between service and the content of the glass.

Besides, it's raining outside, the punter doesn't want to get wet. He'll put up with bad service, as long he gets the drink in the end.

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

The punter has been waiting for his pint for ten years and he's getting a bit shirty, I think. Fortunately, as he considers stepping outside, he discovers that it's bright sunshine there and the barman has been lying to him about weather conditions for the last decade.

[hareb-sarap.livejournal.com]

He'll be so pleased to find the summer jobber, who was standing around "advising" back during the '92 ERM barrel fiasco is now the manager of a revamped wine bar.

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

Someone with actual experience of bar work, rather than the former lecturer in landlording at the FE college? I think most people would be delighted.

[hareb-sarap.livejournal.com]

I think Brown's problem, or at least one of them, is that people rate bar staff by looks and banter, poor Brown is a bit lacking.

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

Quite so; people want their pint, promptly pulled, by a bit of eye candy.
Blair and Brown, between them, made a collossal pair of tits behind the bar which distracted people from the fact they hadn't had their pint. Eventually, though, the party ends.

[hareb-sarap.livejournal.com]

Apart from Cameron and Hauge, who look competent, the rest of the Tory front bench is really poor quality, unpresentable or both; just look at IDS, Osborne or Gove.

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

The thing which amuses me most about Osbourne is that after he & Cameron took over, it was a year - a full year before they let Osbourne out in public. Presumably that's how long his media training not to look like, well, Gordon Brown, took.

This is what I get for reading my own old jokes

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

The thing which has surprised me about the coalition is that Osbourne has turned out not to be utterly hopeless. i'm pleasantly surprised by him. Same goes for IDS.

Gove, yeah, hopeless, but two out of three ain't bad. It's a full 2 more than the last lot gave us.

[astartesyriaca.livejournal.com]

This is hysterical. Would you mind if I reposted this, will full credit and a link, of course?

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

Delighted as ever.

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

Is it obvious that I've lifted Brown's dialogue from his reported speeches?

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

I'm starting to wonder whether his scriptwriers are setting out to deliberately make him look like a tool. He has no social skills himself and so have to rely upon others to put words in his mouth, so to do so wouldn't be difficult.

[mrmmarc.livejournal.com]

I have been a life long Labour supporter.
I was in South Yorkshire- to be precise within spitting distance of Manvas main colliery (the one which started the miners Strike)- to say my views have been left of center is an understatement.

Therefore upon reading this i am forced to say...

gordon brown is an unmittigated penis. A useless Labour prime Minister- he is succeading in dpoint the one thing NO ONE thought possible... he is not only making the COnsevative Party look like they are going to win the next election- they are making them look good...
He is successfully making the bloated self-serving members of the SNP seem good! THAT really requires talent you know!

You missed the part where the guy grabs the barman and glasses him?

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

Don't give me that 'grew up dahn pit' line, young man. I grew up closer to Manvers than you! The law of associative one-upmanship makes me even more of a lefty than you.

[mrmmarc.livejournal.com]

Er... are you a life long socialist, who supported the miners strike, and who thinks Scargill was/is kinda still a God?

no.

You went to Wath Comp.
William's alumni.

:)

I mentioned it not in some way to make out I am more South Yorks than others or summit weird... only to show the extent of the corruption Brown has brought to my beloved Labour party- just illustrating how much hard work you have to put into beinga total penis in order for the likes of ME to think the party has sold its soul to a moron...

[(Anonymous)]

Er - as far as I remember, Arthur Scargill was one of the parents who came to Maltby Pony Club and would make a scene if his daughter didn't win the gymkhana. Oh yes, and once showed up in a gleaming new horsebox made by a company that had just landed a big contract with the NCB.

H

[mrmmarc.livejournal.com]

Nowt wrong with Pony Clubs...
Nowt wrong witha man 'aving aspirations for his daughter...


Mind you- MALTBY!
What the 'ell was he doin' in MALTBY!

There weird up there tha knows...

[(Anonymous)]

Well, put it this way, if the man's a god, he's one of the ones like Itzpapalotl who demands regular human sacrifices of his worshippers.

H

Eee, luxury

[(Anonymous)]

Marc, being in spitting distance of Manvers is no guarantee of being left wing. I used to have lunch at the pit canteen there & look at me.

H

Re: Eee, luxury

[mrmmarc.livejournal.com]

No- just used it as a way of pointing out how violently left wing I was/am... to show just how much of a penis Brown is...
i was a LIVE LONG Labour supporter- life long- die hard. Sorted.

Admittedly I began losing faith under Tony, but Brown is a twat!
:)

Re: Eee, luxury

[(Anonymous)]

Step away from the Monty Python sketch, step AWAY from the Monty Python sketch...you are only reinforcing the prejudices of us soft southern poofs.

D

Re: Eee, luxury

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

You're southern? You?

Allow me to introduce you and Marc. You both went to Pope Pius and he claims to remember playing D&D with you r& your brother many years ago.

Re: Eee, luxury

[(Anonymous)]

I was being "clever".....did I go to Pope Pius? it's possible I suppose, but then how did I come to meet you? Who are you?

D

Re: Eee, luxury

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

Did you not go to PP? I thought you went there and transferred for the VIth form.

It was a very long time ago, mind.

Re: Eee, luxury

[(Anonymous)]

Those pit lunches couldn't have been very nourishing; you're skinny as a rake.

Re: Eee, luxury

[(Anonymous)]

No, I used to have pie & chips, but afterwards we ad to walk twenty eight miles back up three-in-one hill through t'snow wiaat us shoes on.

H

[commlal.livejournal.com]

Jump over the bar, pull your own pint, stick two fingers up at the barman and walk off.

This nearly made me spit my redbull everywhere this morning.

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

Comments like that are why I keep an LJ.

[commlal.livejournal.com]

I aim to please :D

[belak-krin.livejournal.com]

They could always head on over to the Yellow Liberal, where they will be offered any drink they could possibly ask for and then find the barman's been sacked before they've had a chance to order.

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

I tried to think of a libdem joke and failed; I may steal that one for later use :)

[(Anonymous)]

The Lib-dems are more situational comedy than in-your-face gags.