Young love

[davywavy]

Something I had sent to me recently was A Guy's Guide To Not Getting It On (somewhat rude in parts and probably not work safe). I don't know why it was sent to me. Perhaps someone was trying to make a point or something. Who can say?
Reading it and the comments below it, it does somewhat beggar belief that men can be so astoundingly crass when trying to make a good enough impression that girls might see taking their clothes off as a good idea. I mean, I know us men can be - I certainly am - but having so many examples in close proximity just makes me cringe for my gender. Then again, knowing that so many men are witless and crass pleases me because that means there's just that much less competition in the market.

Having these guides of things not to say when trying to make that essential first impression is useful as it allows us to learn from the crippling, embarrassing mistakes of others. So, in a moment of gender equality and fairness, might I suggest:

Things for girls not to say on a first date:
1) "How much do you earn?"
2) "I'm an Aquarius, which means I'm a bit psychic".
3) "My parents didn't love me enough when I was little" (or any variation thereupon).
4) Anything about cats, especially:
i) Indicating that you own more than one cat,
ii) Suggesting that you like cats more than you do people,
iii) Suggesting that you think cats are in some way mystical or magical.
5) "I usually attract nutters and bastards, but you seem different"

So, question of the day: What's the worst thing anyone has ever said to you on a first date/whilst trying to chat you up. And what's the worst thing they could say?*

^{*Apart from "Hallo, I'm David", obviously.}

Comments

[madwitch.livejournal.com]

It was in Paris. A waiter had decided that Karo spoke more French than me, so was chatting me up through her. Seeing as her French is as rubbish as mine, this was amusing. But then...then he gave me his killer line, in his badly broken Engish.

"I'm single, you're single, I'm vegetarian, you're vegetarian, we could be dead tomorrow"

Never have I run so fast.

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

So what you're saying is that the slightest suggestion that I might be a serial killer is a no-no in the loving stakes? *makes notes*.

[madwitch.livejournal.com]

Especially when this line is then followed by "just come upstairs with me for 5 minutes. Your friend can wait here."

I made Road Runner look slow.

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

Could you not at least have got a family recommendation to see if it would be worthwhile?

[(Anonymous)]

The blind date Isa once set me up with (just before she left to travel round the world) who told me he had "cured" the college lesbian by giving her a good seeing to ... and "cured" the woman who'd been raped & had hang-ups about men by giving her a good seeing to ... and "cured" the woman who was due to get married & was worried about being a virgin on her wedding night by ... well, you get the idea.

H

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

I think that under the circumstances you'd've been justified in requesting their phone numbers so you could check.

[gnommi.livejournal.com]

"we could try for sex but I have a really small penis so I'm not sure it would work"

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

Note to self: Honesty is not an attractive quality. Thanks!

[annwfyn.livejournal.com]

Not to me, but a friend of mine once did have a guy say, in all seriousness, that in case she was worried about pregnancy/birth control, he did have a very low sperm count and so was a good choice for casual sex.

Strangely, she declined his gracious offer.

[gnommi.livejournal.com]

i have also heard this line

[calligrafiti.livejournal.com]

Off my comment that the restaurant he'd chosen was very good, "I like taking girls to really nice restaurants, because then they kinda have to put out."

My response: shove two twenties in his shirt pocket and leave.

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

There's a fine line between truthfulness and foolish honesty, and that's just...

I worry about others of my gender, I really do.

[gnommi.livejournal.com]

i applaud your restraint!

[manywaters.livejournal.com]

"I haven't seen a civilian chick in six months that wasn't a whore."

Okay, fair enough, that's the hazards of the military, but when a minute later he mentions, "I hear you about overwork. I haven't gotten any in about four months, so basically unless you're into vomit or something else really kinky, I'm all good for getting a hotel room and not sleeping." EWWW.

Honorable mention to the time I was wearing a chinese dress as a LARP costume and my drunken husband tried to get me to put out for a fistful of baht (Thai currency) and a pack of Marlboros. I laughed at the time, but still smacked him upside the head.

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

But I have to congratulate your husbands style. That's the sort of thing I do - head-smacking is all part of the fun :)

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

I thought the national sports of Italy were bottom and handbag pinching, sometimes practised at the same time?

[flywingedmonkey.livejournal.com]

When I went speed dating 1) and 2) got said more than once... In fact one lass when I enquired what me being Aries and her being Gemini 'meant' (hey she was hot) she told me she didn't' know and would have to consult with her astronomer...

The girl I went off with at the end however responded to my question (and the very first thing I said to her): "Ninjas or robots?" with "Dude! Ninjas!"

JmC
Yes, I went speed dating

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

I'd like to go speed-dating just because it'd make an ace post, but, alas, I am forbidden from doing so.

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

I'm reminded that the correct reply when someone asks how much you earn is to look slightly baffled and say "Nothing. I make a small loss every year for tax purposes."

[karohemd.livejournal.com]

From overheardinnewyork:
Pretty girl: So are the fries here good?
Foreign cashier: Yes, de fries here--they are like your eyes. They are very beautiful. You will not forget de taste.
Pretty girl: Oh, thank you...
Foreign cashier: Yes, you eat de fries, I eat your eyes. Yes!

--Burger Joint, The Village

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

Tasty, tasty eyes.