You invent me a thingummybob

[davywavy]

It was possibly the most famous challenge of the last hundred years. Some of the greatest minds of the 20th century spent literally years on it but failed every single time to find a solution, instead eventually descending into backbiting, petty recrimination and sotto voce swearing.

So, to open up the new year, I shall pose the challenge to you lot: How would you stop that pigeon? Would you nab him or grab him? Stab him, perhaps? Or maybe even jab him?

Prizes may be* awarded for the best solution.

^*Won't.

Comments

Nab him tag him grab him stab him!

[robinbloke.livejournal.com]

Dress Silly in a pigeon costume with a big bow in his hair feathers and a skirt, then have him hang around outside a cafe smoking long cigars and sipping coffee in gentle cherry lighting as the pigeon flies over; thus attracted at the chance of some hows your father with one of the exotic local ladies the pigeon will fly down to join Silly for coffee with the prospect of more.
After a half-hours coo-ing, six cigarettes and seven irish coffees the pair will part to the preprepared petite maison du pigeon where Clunk will lie in wait in the loft with a cinecamera as Silly dresses in Nazi uniform and whips the pigeon with the Communist flag as he is tied up against the bedposts, this film will be distributed to all and sundry unless our pigeon turns to our side.


Alternatively; a shotgun.

Re: Nab him tag him grab him stab him!

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

And to think I gave you medal!

The shotgun idea is elegant in it's simplicity, mind.

[wyrdness.livejournal.com]

A genetically engineered bird flu geared to kill all pigeons everywhere. When it inevitably mutates and starts killing off other random birds/ animals/ humans I shall say "Oops, I guess I learnt my lesson about tinkering with nature without any sort of training!" and promptly die.

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

You had me interested right up until the mutation/death of humanity part, whereupon I went back to designing a giant flying anvil.

[wyrdness.livejournal.com]

I'm more of an ideas person than a putting it in to practice person. Letting me hands-on design a new type of virus would just be asking for trouble. However, a giant flying anvil does have the sound of a classic pigeon extermination attempt in the making. Perhaps simple is better. :)

[mrmmarc.livejournal.com]

1- Locate pigeon via a team of small street urchins who see all and yet move silently through the streets the little rascals.
2- Upon locating pigeon, get wind speed, atmospheric conditions and air moisture in location and all locations within say 15 miles.
3- Work out possible routes pigeon may take within the next seven minutes, calculating places to stop, natural defences (urban locations are much better for pigeon).
4- Estimate exactly where you would imagine the pigeon to be.
5- Detonate a large thermonuclear device within 400 yards of this location.
6- Be a LONG way away.

Alternatively-
Tags: pigeon; Dave's bored at work; large thermonuclear device; clicky; Mutley was the dom

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

Firing thermoneclear devices based on estimates might not be the best idea, especially considering that an utterly unpredictably but comical set of coincidences would result in that thermonuclear device hitting my house, and not the pigeon.

I've been here before, you see.

[mrmmarc.livejournal.com]

Aha.
I see.

I sense your pain.

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

That strikes me as foolproof. Have a medal!

[nicnac.livejournal.com]

Place a bowl of pigeon food doctored with sleepy pills under the flight path of said pigeon, with a sign saying Pidjun fud heer (in pigeon English, naturally). Wait for pigeon to eat food. Capture pigeon when it keels over, dispatch it briskly, hang it for a couple of days, pluck it and griddle its breasts, serving them with fava beans and a nice chianti, sthhsthhsthhsthhsthh in a red wine jus.

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

Tangental, I admit, but I have to say that the first thing I thought upon seeing your icon was 'Gosh, Winnie the Pooh obviously has haemorrhoids'

[(Anonymous)]

Given the smile on Pooh's face I just assumed Kanga was under the table....

[madwitch.livejournal.com]

Tell Dr Who fangirls that pigeon is taking over as new Dr. Point fangirls at pigeon. Release fangirls.

Pigeon has no chance.

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

Poor pigeon.

[madwitch.livejournal.com]

Pigeon stopped.

[borusa.livejournal.com]

I won't tell you unless you promise me a medal.

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

ROBERT!! DO Something!

[belak-krin.livejournal.com]

Pigeon Hawks.

'nuf said.

[mrmmarc.livejournal.com]

Having failed in my first attempt (see above), I now present to you my newest plan...
1- Invent time machine.
2- Go back in time to the genesis of the pigeon.
3- Find the first breeding pair.
4- Inject them both with a mutated gene that will, many millions of generations later will lead to all pigeons dying at the same time- say 1pm Monday 5th January 2009.
5- Return to present day.
6- At 12.30 pm by a gloaty meal and sit watching the pigeons.

ta-da.

Alternate method:
dress up as a female pigeon (it looks exactly like the male version only it has a pink bow and big lips); lure him into your bedroom; sleep with him; kill him; cook him in a nice red wine sauce; appear on Jerry Springer about this.

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

But...but...but...which came first - the pigeon or the egg? The philosophical quandry this creates is too much for me!

[mrmmarc.livejournal.com]

the pigeon of course... or the egg... er... well aim for the first breeding pair of proto-pigeons, so that THEIR eggs will carry the... mutant... virus... er...


Drop an anvil on its head!!!!!

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

That's what I keep coming back to as well, alas.

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

And why do you have to sleep with the pigeon in your second plan? I mean, once you've got him inside surely you could just murder him, unless you're actively looking for some red-hot pigeon action?

[mrmmarc.livejournal.com]

er...

er....


LOOK! A red elephant!!! OVER THERE!!!!

(runs away while you are looking)

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

You pigeon-fiddling deviant.

[(Anonymous)]

Employ Brandenburger pigeons from our own Special Forces (Columbidae Section) to fly the same route carrying Disinformation for the Enemy. Our squadron will fly escort to the Enemy Pigeon being especially nice to Him (optionally, cake may be provded).
After a few weeks of this, the Pigeon's own side will have him shot and eaten as a Double Agent; enabling you, Squadron Leader, to cackle in a particularly malevolent manner.

D

[fonnparr.livejournal.com]

I notice that the pigeon in question is employed in mail delivery.

Simply enforce a minimum walking speed for all deliveries. A walking pigeon should be significantly easier to catch.

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

What is more likely is that the pigeons union would promptly go on strike, which would acheive our objectives by ensuring that no mail got deleiverd anyway.