You see before you a door into the imagination.

[davywavy]

I've recently been re-reading the Thursday Next books by Jasper fforde. If you haven't read them, I recommend them because, despite being based on a very old literary conceit, they're actually great fun, funny and well-written. They're based on the old idea of a fictional character being able to enter the 'real' world or a real person entering a fictional one, rather like The Purple Rose of Cairo, Last Action Hero or The Neverending Story.
In the first book, The Eyre Affair, a machine is invented which allows real people to enter worlds of fiction, resulting in varoius characters from Jane Eyre being murdered or kidnapped and held to ransom - as these events take place, the text of the book (and all copies of it) change for better or worse.

So that gives me an idea. As it's Friday and so a slow work day, today's question is; which work of fiction would you choose to jump into if you had the chance, and how would your presence improve it?
Here's a few of mine.

Wuthering Heights
"By Hells Teeth!", bellowed Heathcliffe. "If any man stood between me and my desires, I should tear out their heart and devour it before their eyes!" He seized up a chair in his fury and hurled it at the wall, denting the wainscotting. "I am the master of this house and all within it shall do my..."
There was a knock at the door. With a diabolic oath and a twisted leer, Heathcliffe strode over and hurled it open to reveal David standing outside.
"Damn your eyes, sir!" roared the master of the house. "What business have you upon my land? Speak quickly before it goes ill for you!"
"Are you Heathcliffe?" was the only reply.
"That I am, sir, whatever business it is of yours!"
"Well cop for this, then", replied David, and kicked him firmly in the plums. Heathcliffe collapsed with a soft whimper.
David looked at the recumbent literary fruitcake. "You had that coming", he commented. "I always reckoned you were all mouth and no trousers."
Looking away, his eye happened upon Cathy, sitting silently on the seat by the windown. "Come on, Cathy", said David. "Let's take you out and show you a good time." He looked her up and down and took in her strict crinolines and corsetry. "But first", he added, opening his bag and taking out a pair of hotpants, "why don't you slip into something a little more comfortable?"

Twilight.
"Edward! Oh, my Edward!" My voice was cracked with worry as I ran through the glass-walled rooms of the Cullen's beautiful house. Within me, my heart beat faster at the sight of spatters of red on the cream-coloured furnishings. What could had happened. If some tragedy had befalled my beloved it would be as if all my being, my purpose had been stripped from me.
I took the stairs three at a time, past the momentoes of eternity which the Cullens decorated their home. Each picture of Edward, each sign of him was a splinter of fear in my heart as I passed.
I reached the top of the stairs, and turned to my love's room. It was in there he had sworn to protect me, no matter what. That he would always watch over me, care for me. Seated on his bed was an unknown man, bending over Edwards recumbent body. As I watched, the man raised a mallet and finished knocking home a sharpened wooden stake. He turned, and looked at me.
"Lucky I got here when I did", he said. "Turns out this place was a nest of vampires. Still," he added, standing and brushing thick, gritty ash from his shirt. "I think I got them all. You should be safe, now."
Safe? The word burned itself into my mind. Yes, I was safe. I felt myself falling utterly, irretrievably in love.

1984
It was a bright cold day in April, and the clock was striking thirteen. David looked irritably up from his newspaper and glared at it. "Bloody thing", he muttered. "I knew I should have kept the receipt."

Your turn.

Comments

[robinbloke.livejournal.com]

Green eggs and ham

I will not eat them, I will not eat green eggs and ham.
I will not eat them, Sam-I-am.

The door it opened in it's frame
A long haired penguin, in he came
He speared the ham and scoffed the lot
Waved a hand and left like a shot

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

That's really rather good.

[robinbloke.livejournal.com]

Cheers :)

I salute you for finishing off Edward, he had it coming!

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

He's the walking dead! An abomination!

[robinbloke.livejournal.com]

Someone has this T-Shirt that says "Buffy stakes Edward. The end."

[gnommi.livejournal.com]

I like this concept

I... I may have issues with Fowles

[glummdead.livejournal.com]

It was almost on a whim that I took the route from the beach through the sparse woods and came upon the sign the way I did. It said "Salle D'Attente", The Waiting Room. I wondered what it meant, and resolved to ask Demetriades when I returned to the school. For a moment the stillness of the woods was broken by the sound of what I thought might be muted gun fire. There was a pause as though the earth held its breath, and then the dull whump of what could only be a ton of explosives shook the island to its roots. A column of smoke and flames shot out of the earth where the villa marked by the sign of the Waiting Room once stood. From out of the inferno, already stinking with the cloying smell of pine smoke and burning plastic, stepped a man in strange coverals with a rifle slung over one shoulder.

"I'd go back to London if I were you mate. Oh, and get your cock sorted out, you've got some kind of an infection. And don't let that Alison bird play games with your head, she really likes you but she's been messed around in the past. That's right, she's not really dead. Now fuck off before I lose my patience and put a couple of bullets through your head you ineffectual, poncy little turd."

Re: I... I may have issues with Fowles

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

The magus also yanked my chain pretty hard, and conversations in David Towers have often come back to ejoyable and amusing revenge plots upon Conchis.

Re: I... I may have issues with Fowles

[(Anonymous)]

Ooh, I like this one.

"All right," said Mitford, glancing nervously round the empty bar. He straightened his moustache with a self-conscious gesture. "What's this all about?"

"I understand you were in the Resistance," I said.

Mitford drew himself up. "That's right. Jolly well right. Paddy Leigh-Fermor, Billy Moss, knew them all. Damn good show."

"Still got any - " I lowered my voice - "contacts? Commandos, Greek andartes, sabotage experience, explosives, a small boat, you know, that sort of thing?"

"Might have, old girl, might have." He knocked back his gin. "Why do you ask?"

I leaned forward, knowing I was about to put to the man a proposal that he would find as irrestible as I found it myself.

"Conchis," I said, "has a yacht."

H

[(Anonymous)]

Henry didn't know how much time had passed before he realised his headache was gone. The apartment was quiet. Outside, the distant bells of Santa Maria Maggiore sounded their chimes across the rooftops of the Eternal City. Gingerly he opened his eyes and groped at the escritoire for his glasses. The next moment he was sitting bolt upright.

"Who are you?" he demanded.

The woman at the window turned. She was a stranger, too tall for an Italian though dressed in what appeared to be a brand new Max Mara coat. "Never you mind," she said, her accent suggesting she was British English, "and keep your voice down."

Hanry ignored this advice. "Where's Bunny?"

"I sent him out for an ice cream. I needed to get him out of the way while I burned your diary."

Henry's eye turned to the huge palazzo fireplace, where a little pile of ash lay smouldering. "You - you did what?" he spluttered.

"Burned your diary. Believe me, if Bunny had found it, you'd - well, you don't want to know."

Henry was outraged.

"You stupid woman! Do you realise what you've done? That was a valuable document. Anyhow, I took care to hide it from Bunny. I always do."

"I found it, didn't I?" retorted the woman. "There aren't that many places to hide anything in here. And, anyhow, if we're going to start calling people stupid, let me give you a piece of advice. Next time you commit a murder -" Henry opened his mouth to speak, but she went on, "don't write it all in your diary. Valuable document! Tchah! Cah! Yeah, to the carabinieri."

Henry sunk back on his bed, but the fight had gone out of him.

"It was in Latin," he muttered sulkily."

H

[http://users.livejournal.com/_grimtales_/]

Langdon strode around the room animatedly, expounding on the significance of what the Da Vinci code had revealed, Christ, with a child! The ramifications were enormous, no wonder the Priory of Sion and the Opus Dei had been fighting so bitterly over it.

He was in full, ranting flow when an insistent and very British cough interrupted him.

"You do understand, do you not Sir, the Da Vinci lived many centuries after the alleged time of Christ and so, even if he hid this information, there's absolutely no reason to think it's accurate. You are also aware, one would hope, that there's no historical evidence to support the idea that Jesus ever existed at all, let alone indulged in a bit of 'how's your father' with Mary Magdelene. Then there's the unfortunate fact that the Priory of Sion was completely made up as a scam. This combination of problems rather renders the whole thing pointless does it not?"

[(Anonymous)]

"But if we destroy the subtle knife," Lyra said in a trembling voice, "we shall never see one another again."

"I know," said Will. He raised anguished eyes to hers. "But we must. It's the only way we can save the universe."

They moved to embrace, when suddenly a sawing noise in the fabric of universe caused them to leap apart, startled.

"Don't worry, kids!" said Hilary, cheerfully stepping through an amateurishly hacked hole into their fictional dimension. "As you know, every quantum event creates a new universe in this book, right?" They nodded. "And if you decide to destroy the knife, that's a quantum event right there, yes?"

Will frowned. "Yeah, suppose so."

"Well, then what's the point? Even if you destroy the subtle knife, there must be about a billion other universes where you didn't destroy it! So why bother? Why should all those other Wills and Lyras have all the fun? Eh?"

They looked at one another again. "She's right, you know," said Lyra.

Hilary turned to leave with a cheery wave. "Knock yourselves out, kids."

H

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

Curiously, I was going to do exactly the same scene.

[http://users.livejournal.com/_grimtales_/]

I wasn't overly taken with those books TBH and thought much the same, but still, bears ARE better than lions.

[(Anonymous)]

It would've been better with badgers though.

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

As Bob Cratchit stepped out of the office and raised his collar against the snow, he looked up and was perpelexed to note a man rapelling down the wall from Scrooge's bedroom.
"Sir!" Remonstrated Cratchit. "What in the name of heaven do you think you are doing?"
The stranger landed and drew him aside with a companionable air. "Bob, Bob", he said. "You have nothing to worry about, for I am a friend to Mr. Scrooge and wish him only the best. I am no thief or burglar - you may search my pockets for stolen goods here and now if you wish to learn the truth of my words. I have done nothing but leave Mr Scrooge a small...Christmas present, as a token of my esteem."
Cratchit was mollified, but still suspicious. "A present?" He asked. "Of what sort?"
The stranger gave Bob a cheery wink. "Almost two whole grammes of Methamphetamine Sulphate", he said. "I think that whatever Mr. Scrooge may do later, we may be assured that he will not get a single wink of sleep."

[http://users.livejournal.com/_grimtales_/]

Galt expounded on his brilliant philosophy for the world and Dagny was astounded by the scope and integrity of his vision when suddenly there was a muffled cracking sound and Galt gave a little grunt and doubled over, blood flowering like the petals of some exotic flower on his shirt.

"Selfish berk." Said Grim, mouthing the words again for a second time and looking suspiciously out of the page towards the editor and silently mouthing the words 'bourgois fascist' in annoyance at the censorship before levelling his pistol at the other self-important upper-middle class cultists that filled the room. "Nobody move or I'll indulge my self-interest by shooting you between the eyes. Don't you know generations of American teenagers are going to consider Galt an important fictional hero and this kind of asinine selfishness to be a genuine political philosophy for years to come? Grow up, get out of here, jerks."

"Jerks?" He muttered again to himself and growled, stepping through the side of the book into the neighbouring volume by Richard Morgan, for a good swear.

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

Much obliged - and had the unintended effect of making the finished article funnier!

[hiromasaki.livejournal.com]

I so wish I could think of something to inject my two cents into, but everything that I can think of I either read too long ago to be able to remember a specific scene or my interference therein would just cause paradoxes. :P

[(Anonymous)]

1: In the beginning David created the heaven and the earth.
2: And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of David moved upon the face of the waters.
3: And David said, Let there be light: and there was light.
4: And David saw the light, that it was good: and David divided the light from the darkness.
5: And David called the light Day, and the darkness he called Night. And the evening and the morning were the first day.
6: And David said, Let there be a firmament in the midst of the waters, and let it divide the waters from the waters.
7: And David made the firmament, and divided the waters which were under the firmament from the waters which were above the firmament: and it was so.
8: And David called the firmament Heaven. And the evening and the morning were the second day.
9: And David said, Let the waters under the heaven be gathered together unto one place, and let the dry land appear: and it was so.
10: And David called the dry land Earth; and the gathering together of the waters called he Seas: and David saw that it was good.
11: And David said, Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit after his kind, whose seed is in itself, upon the earth: and it was so.
12: And the earth brought forth grass, and herb yielding seed after his kind, and the tree yielding fruit, whose seed was in itself, after his kind: and David saw that it was good.
13: And the evening and the morning were the third day.
14: And David said, Let there be lights in the firmament of the heaven to divide the day from the night; and let them be for signs, and for seasons, and for days, and years:
15: And let them be for lights in the firmament of the heaven to give light upon the earth: and it was so.
16: And David made two great lights; the greater light to rule the day, and the lesser light to rule the night: he made the stars also.
17: And David set them in the firmament of the heaven to give light upon the earth,
18: And to rule over the day and over the night, and to divide the light from the darkness: and David saw that it was good.
19: And the evening and the morning were the fourth day.
20: And David said, Let the waters bring forth abundantly the moving creature that hath life, and fowl that may fly above the earth in the open firmament of heaven.
21: And David created great whales, and every living creature that moveth, which the waters brought forth abundantly, after their kind, and every winged fowl after his kind: and David saw that it was good.
22: And David blessed them, saying, Be fruitful, and multiply, and fill the waters in the seas, and let fowl multiply in the earth.
23: And the evening and the morning were the fifth day.
24: And David said, Let the earth bring forth the living creature after his kind, cattle, and creeping thing, and beast of the earth after his kind: and it was so.
25: And David made the beast of the earth after his kind, and cattle after their kind, and every thing that creepeth upon the earth after his kind: and David saw that it was good.
26: And David said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth.
27: So David created man in his own image, in the image of David created he him; male and female created he them.
28: And David blessed them, and David said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth.
29: And David said, Behold, I have given you every herb bearing seed, which is upon the face of all the earth, and every tree, in the which is the fruit of a tree yielding seed; to you it shall be for meat.
30: And to every beast of the earth, and to every fowl of the air, and to every thing that creepeth upon the earth, wherein there is life, I have given every green herb for meat: and it was so.
31: And David saw every thing that he had made, and, behold, it was very good. And the evening and the morning were the sixth day.

[(Anonymous)]

I understand Rimmer did much the same thing in an episode of Red Dwarf.

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

Alas, only works of fiction are eligible.