Now that's what I call David, vol. 5

[davywavy]

One of the things which caught my eye over the last few weeks was the capture of a 'colossal' squid in Antarctic waters south of Australia. I suppose it's to be expected that if you're going to catch something like that then it'd be near Oz, which has the highest proportion of utterly outrageous forms of life of any continent. What tickled me most about it wasn't the actual capture (despite my love of calamari fritters, I'm not sure even I could nosh my way through something that size) but the naming style used for squid, which is just based on size. Large squid, giant squid, colossal squid.
This got me thinking about how animals get their names. Some are easy - Hippopotamus, for example, is just 'water horse' (which always made me think of a merman Lone Ranger shouting "Hi Ho Muddy!" and lumbering away into the kelp on one) - but others seem completely random.
The Honey Badger is a good example. Not only is it not a badger, but it isn't any more partial to honey than many other animals. What it is partial to (and I'm not making this up) is hiding in a concealed burrow until disturbed by an unfortunate passer-by, upon which it rushes out and stages a frenzied attack upon their groin with razor-sharp teeth and claws. You'd think that there might be some kind of warning about this important characteristic in the name - such as 'Bollockshredder' - but that's what getting the Minister for Tourism to name the local fauna gets you.

Much more enjoyable is speculation that many animals were named by a particularly forthright Australian, as these transcripts from a meeting of the executive committee of the AAA (Australian Animals Association) indicates:

Dr. Bruce: G'day
Prof. Bruce: G'day
Dr. Bruce: So what's on the agenda, then?
Dr. Sheila: First up, we've got this little bugger.
Dr. Bruce:Strewth! What the hell is that?
Prof. Bruce: Well, it's dead slow and it's got three toes. Whaddya reckon?
Dr. Sheila:Three toed sloth?
Dr. Bruce:Bonzer! Jobs a good 'un.
Dr. Sheila:What's next?
Prof. Bruce:Squid, Bruce
Dr. Bruce:Do they need naming? I mean, tentacles, beak, suckers, big goggly eyes? A squid's a bleedin' squid, isn't it? It's not like they come in different shapes, is it?
Prof. Bruce:Nah, Bruce, but they come in different sizes.
Dr. Bruce:...
Dr. Sheila:Now don't come the raw prawn with me, Bruce.
Prof. Bruce:Seriously, guys.
Dr. Bruce:Seriously?
Prof. Bruce:Seriously.
Dr. Sheila:The sneaky buggers.
Prof. Bruce:Only just noticed by science. If you look carefully, this squid is larger than that one.
Dr. Sheila:So we'll call it a 'large squid', then, Bruce.
Dr. Bruce:The Sheila's got a good head on her shoulders, no mistake. Job done then. Who's for a barbie?
Prof. Bruce:Not so fast, Bruce. This bugger is bigger than the large squid.
Dr. Bruce:Isn't nature marvellous?
Dr. Sheila:So we call it a 'Giant squid'?
Dr. Bruce:Bonzer!
Prof. Bruce:And this one?
Dr. Bruce:Strewth, that's a whopper! That'll be a 'colossal squid' then?
Prof. Bruce:Well, that's that. That's todays batch of animals named.
Dr. Sheila:Hang on a tick - what if we find a bigger squid than that?
Dr. Bruce:What will people say if they see a bigger squid than the colossal one?
Prof. Bruce:They'll say 'Bugger me, sport, look at that squid.'
Dr. Sheila:That'll do. So we've got the squid, the large squid, the giant squid, the colossal squid, and the Bugger me look at that squid. That should do it.
Dr. Bruce:But what will people say if they see a squid bigger than the Bugger me look at that squid comin' at 'em?
Prof. Bruce:I reckon they'll say "AAAAaaaaaaaaaargh!", Bruce.
Dr. Sheila:Who's for a Fosters?

And that's the way science happens

Comments

[belak-krin.livejournal.com]

Aside from the fact that the bigger the Squid the more awesome it is, I've always wondered how you tell as small Collosall Squid from a big Giant Squid...

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

Simple: Ask an Australian.

I'm not Australian but...

[davegodfrey.livejournal.com]

The two are not closely related.

Colosal Squid (Mesonychoteuthis hamiltoni (http://tolweb.org/Mesonychoteuthis/19556) has large swivelling hooks on its arms and tentacles. Giant squid (Architeuthis dux (http://tolweb.org/Architeuthidae/19408)) has small teeth on its suckers, but no hooks.

Giant squid seem to be found all over. Colossal squid are found all around the Antarctic, but not much further north than the Falklands.

Re: I'm not Australian but...

[davegodfrey.livejournal.com]

I wouldn't want to eat either. They use ammonia for buoyancy.

[robinbloke.livejournal.com]

That's cheered up my otherwise hair-tearing morning; thanks ol' bean!

I postulated using the Unreal tournament scale for dumbness; I think you could for squids too...

MultiSquid
UltraSquid
MonsterSquid
Squidanating

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

Are there any games in which you get to play giant, battling squid? Other than Red Alert 2? If not I can see an awesome unlockable character for Street Fighter.

[medusa-nw.livejournal.com]

Squidzilla?

[twicedead.livejournal.com]

I'd like to agree with your reasoning there. Australia is home to the Big Desert, the Little Desert (still big, but smaller than the Big desert), the Sandy Desert and the We're Fucked Desert. But then you said they'd go for a Fosters. No one in Australia drinks Fosters unless they are in overseas and feeling weirdly nostalgic. Same with neighbours, we never watch it there but you can find yourself watching it twice a day once you get here.

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

I say, is me getting namechecked here thanks to you: http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/programmes/newsnight/8282959.stm ?