Uuuuuuuuuuulaaaaaa

[davywavy]

Reading popular pop-science science publication New Scientist yesterday, my eye alighted upon the news that they're running a competition to win a piece of Martian Rock. My immediate thought was that this is something young martians get at the seaside, but I was initially disappointed; it is in fact a tiny chunk (1cm³-ish) of meteorite which was expelled by Mars during some ancient cataclysm and spent a fair amount of time floating round the solar system before falling to Earth and as a result it is incredibly rare. Furthermore, a bit of investigation tells me that mars rock sells for in excess of US$100,000 a pound, making it one of the more valuable substances on Earth and so this is a surprisingly cool prize. Ancient alien rock which is worth a wad of loot? What's not to like?

Anyway, the competition is to come up with suggestions for the first words which should be spoken by the first person to set foot upon the planet Mars. Of course, for elegance's sake the first person on Mars should be Gene Hunt who would open mankind's residence by informing the Martians that they're all bastards and nicked, but thanks to the insanity of touchy-feely political correctness that's unlikely. In the event of us getting to Mars, it'll probably be something inane and workshopped like "We come in peace to this new frontier for all mankind"*, or something similarly wussified.

With a competition like this, I'm going to be going up against lots of people who are:
A) Cleverer than me,
b) More dedicated than me, and perhaps most importantly
c) Significantly geekier than me
and that means I haven't got a chance of winning. But why not have a go anyway? Here's a few initial thoughts:

"The chances of anything coming from Earth were a million to one, they said. But still, we came."
"Aiiieeee!!"
"*Sniff*. Good. There is air on this planet."
"I claim this Mars in the name of Grand Fenwick."
"What do you mean, 'Acid for blood'?"

Any more suggestions?

^{*And the shooting will start ten minutes later.}

Comments

[zenicurean.livejournal.com]

"Don't mind us, folks, we're just here to get the Rover back."

"Now let's see whose historical monuments get it!"

"My iPod was supposed to have X-Ray Dog tunes on it for this, this is Popcorn. Come on, who did this? Steve? Was it you, Steve?"

"Oh inhabitants of Mars, we hereby return Michael Jackson's earthly remains to you in a hermetically sealed plastic bubble, as a show of goodwill between our two great peoples."

"This planet now property of Starbucks Corporation."

"EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!"

"So... is Kuato around?"

"Okay, we'll step down at once, and then we all make the tricorder sound from the original series. One, two, three... WoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo."

[colliedlight.livejournal.com]

"Oh jesus where the hell is the bathroom"

"The color of these rocks totally bring out the flint in my eyes"

"The UFO nuts were right! Those are giant pyramids."

[zenicurean.livejournal.com]

"I declare these the Much Upper West Indies and claim them in the name of King Philip II of Spain."

"We come in peace. Fire at will."

"We come in peace. Aim for the head."

"Hear ye, abominable alien slimeballs: With the powers vested in me by God I hereby declare this New Old Dagenham Park."

"Knock knock! Have you heard the Good News?"

"Well, Malibu this certainly ain't. Let's all go home instead."

"Did someone here order a large pepperoni? I repeat, did someone here order a large pepperoni?"

"We knew this was coming. The space programmes, each straining in their own directions, had hitherto harmed us little; but a while back the piecing together of dissociated budgets opened up such terrifying vistas of debt, and of our fiscal position therein, that we could either go mad from the revelation, or flee from the deadly bills into the peace and safety of... well, this ugly heap of rock. Did anybody bring a telly?"

"Steve, I haven't got my helmet on, don't open the d--"

"FOR SCIENCE! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

[zenicurean.livejournal.com]

And since I can't help myself:

"Cydonia or nothing! Eat poorly-rendered green plasma, Ethereal scum!"

[belak-krin.livejournal.com]

"In your face America, there isn't really oil here!"

[sherbetsaucers.livejournal.com]

"IF we DO find Aliens, anyone who believes in biblical original sin is going to feel pretty stupid."

"TAG! You're it!"

"And now, as I step onto this virgin land I... *sniggers*... Virgin..."

"In your FACE Neil Armstrong!"

"Considering the woeful underinvestment in space exploration by the US and Europe, how come we're talking English?"

"Hhhhhhheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrre's Johnny!"

"That's the last time I expect Ryanair to get me to Madrid!"

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

That last one isn't bad, but the first one is Theologically flawed.

[sherbetsaucers.livejournal.com]

I was trying to get over how a fundamentalist Christian might respond to something that came from another planet as they would (possibly) not have gone through the fall of man and so might well be without sin. Not sure how it's theologically flawed, though possibly badly written, but what do you expect for nothing?

[(Anonymous)]

"Did you remember the crackers lad?"

H

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

Yes. Absolutely yes.

[fonnparr.livejournal.com]

"Did somebody order a large black obelisk full of stars?"