I often wonder how other people spend their evenings.

[davywavy]

I've been quite quiet this week as I've been ever so busy, but seeing as it's Friday, it's not like I've done much in the way of actual work this morning. I know I ought to - I've got a drift of paperwork to the left of my computer which is threatening to take over my desk - but sometimes the siren lure of the internet calls to me too strongly to resist.
My subject of interest this morning has been beserk self-published books available on Amazon. The sort of stuff which no actual publisher in their right mind will ever look at, but which someone feels so strongly about they've put their own money into running off a few hundred copies. This has ranged from truly awful-looking novels to the really nutso end of the market.
The sort of stuff which, in fact, a few years ago I might have bought and spent an evening reading out in silly voices.

Anyway, my surfing eventually brought me to the delightfully sane self-published tome Birth Control is Sinful in the Christian Marriages and also Robbing God of Priesthood Children!! . The caps appears to be the author's own. Clearly this is a subject she feels strongly about.

Now, you know me. I'm not one to mock the afflicted unless they're fans of Gordon Brown, so I shall leave any comments about this book to your imagination. However, what did catch my eye was the list of "Customers who viewed this item also viewed" at the bottom of the page which, when I visited, included:
A horse-head mask,
A copy of a book called Hookers or cake,
A copy of How to disappear completely and never be found,
A set of six shot glasses, and
A computer cable.

It reads like the list of prizes on a spoof game show.

Anyway, seeing as it's Friday and a lot of you work in the public sector so you won't exactly be pushing yourselves this afternoon, here's a challenge. I want you come up with a good, convincing reason, why someone - anyone, in fact - might have bought all six of those items for use in some sort of combination.

Because frankly, I'm flummoxed.

Comments

[kathminchin.livejournal.com]

The reviews on the first page are awesome. How can you manage not to immediately rush off to purchase it?

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

Because the voices in my head have already told me everything in it anyway.

[kathminchin.livejournal.com]

Ahhh - suddenly everything about you is so clear ...

[crocodilewings.livejournal.com]

648 pages? Bloody hell.

This reminds me a little bit of the Lube Game, best played with at least four participants in a large supermarket. Each participant picks up a tube of lubricant, and must then collect the single most ludicrous, eye-watering object they can find on sale, within a pre-arranged budget, which might possibly work in conjunction with it.

All items must be paid for as separate, spaced transactions using the same cashier.

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

Pineapple. Has to be.

[crocodilewings.livejournal.com]

Don't get stuck in the fresh produce trap. There's a whole aisle of gardening implements and barbecue accessories.

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

Clearly you have thought about this more than I care to.

[crocodilewings.livejournal.com]

It's what marks the winner from the casual participant.

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

Second place is just first loser, except - possibly - in the field of rectal violation.

[robinbloke.livejournal.com]

And that's before you find the aisle with the electric whisk.

[robinbloke.livejournal.com]

Day one: Read hookers or cake, decide on hookers.
Day two: Use all six shot glasses to get drunk with a hooker and have horrible infected cheap sex.
Day three: Find vitals have flared up wildly, leave horse head mask in hookers bed to get money back, she doesn't pay
Day four: Use computer cable to throttle hooker
Day Five: Read "how to disappear" as news of murder hits the local news...

[davywavy.livejournal.com]

It just writes itself when you put it like that.

[medusa-nw.livejournal.com]

Use computer on computer table to plan robbery
Carry out robbery while wearing horse mask
Disappear to Mexico or somewhere else that gets used a lot in movies
Spend money on booze and hookers and cake
One of the hookers gets pregnant. You fall in love with her, turn your life around and become a born-again Christian with many, many children.

Easy. ;-)

[medusa-nw.livejournal.com]

Oh, I misread cable as table. Though that doesn't change the scenario at all...

[annwfyn.livejournal.com]

Step one: Read 'Birth Control is Sinful...' and see the light!
Step two: Run away to the mountains of Wales to form a new cult-like religion.
Step three: Realize that this cult isn't going far with just me in it, and get a computer, plus computer cable, to push said cult.
Step four: Realize my religion lacks pizzazz and get the horse's head for ritual purposes.
Step five: Realize I'm about to go out on stage, dressed as a horse, for religious purposes. Acquire shot glasses + vodka.
Step six: Start religion.
Step seven: Realize that said religion isn't paying the vodka bill. Acquire 'Hookers and Cake' to brainstorm for moneymaking options. Send cultists out on the streets.
Step eight: Fail at making money.
Step nine: Disappear.

[ddraiggwyrdd.livejournal.com]

A born again christian reads the book thinking it is helpful in his plan to be a priest.Misreading a section on divine intervention he thinks he needs to wear a Horse Head mask at his Evangelical induction.The induction does not go well, the incumbent of the district remarking "Holy Mary mother of God, this one takes the biscuit". The said student thinks this must be a proclamation and at once decides to find a way to fulfil the command. Knowing too little at the outset he mistakes the Virgin Mary for Mary Magdalene and thinks the book is the right source material to discover how to achieve the command. He returns to the Pastor with some inadequately thought out propositions, who promptly tells him if he's got any sense he'll disappear and never come back. Dutifully diligent he embarks on the necessary information gathering at Amazon once more.The book informs him he won't get more than six shots to do this properly so of course he makes sure hes got the glasses to put them in and while hes at it orders a new computer cable as his old one isn't long enough.

[(Anonymous)]

All the items have been bought by a man who has a novelty stage act in which he rides in on a pantomime horse, trick shoots 6 glasses out of the air, invites a volunteer to tie him up with computer cable, escapes, transforms his assistant into a Sachertorte, tears a large worthless book in two, and vanishes.

H

[commlal.livejournal.com]

I could roll my cat across my keyboard and get more sense from it. Insane!! Insane!! Although writing a stream of conciousness could be an amusing prospect.

[zenicurean.livejournal.com]

"And it was the best LAN party/booze-up/tent revival meeting ever."